


When Your Lover Breaks

by sandymg



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: J-Squared, M/M, Supernatural_and_J2_Big_Bang_2010
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-14
Updated: 2011-10-14
Packaged: 2017-10-24 14:34:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 75,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/264593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandymg/pseuds/sandymg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared Padalecki is filming the next-to-last episode of the fourth season of Supernatural. Jensen Ackles is his co-star, best friend, and as of this weekend, newfound lover. Jared’s life could not be better. Until a serious set accident shatters Jared's and Jensen's world. Jensen has lost himself and Jared is holding on to a memory. Can Jared love his partner enough to start from square one?</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Your Lover Breaks

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Заново создать любовь](https://archiveofourown.org/works/328552) by [sea_star](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sea_star/pseuds/sea_star), [Маленькая сосна (Small_pine)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Small_pine/pseuds/%D0%9C%D0%B0%D0%BB%D0%B5%D0%BD%D1%8C%D0%BA%D0%B0%D1%8F%20%D1%81%D0%BE%D1%81%D0%BD%D0%B0)



> Disclaimer: This is fiction. No harm intended. No profit made.  
> Author's Note: The accident described in this story never happened. May nothing like it ever happen. Also, Jensen and Jared are gay and bi in this story, respectively. So all of it is AU aside from professions, and, therefore, the boys have no female significant others.
> 
> [ **Spanish Translation of When Your Lover Breaks**](http://z13.invisionfree.com/Supernatural_Foro/index.php?showtopic=4356) by Alfer
> 
> [ **Russian Translation of When Your Lover Breaks**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/328552/chapters/530075) by small_pine and sea_star

**Chapter 1**

Jared Padalecki was in a good mood. Scratch that. Jared was in a fantastic mood. Stupendous. _I_ _'_ _m_ _in_ _love_ _…_ _I_ _'_ _m_ _in_ _love_ _…_ _I_ _'_ _m_ _in_ _love_ _…_ over-the-freakin'-moon good mood.

"Dude, are you singing show tunes?"

 _Caught_.

He shut up.

But couldn't stop himself from finishing the song silently _…_ _with_ _a_ _wonderful_ _guy_ _…_. Turning off the shower he dried off fast and dressed even quicker. Jensen was waiting.

In Jared's house.

Where he spent the weekend.

In Jared's bed.

Mornings just didn't get any better than this.

Smiling, he let himself ponder the long and winding road that got them to this point. What was with all the song metaphors? Guess they just fit. Jared would like to think that maybe it was inevitable. Meant to be from the moment he extended his hand to greet the man slotted to play his brother and a click went off in his brain. Except he really didn't believe in fate. Nope. You made your life. Built it day by day, minute by minute and if you looked back and it wasn't what you wanted … well, that's what change was invented for.

Jared liked change. It didn't scare him. Funny really, how he ended up with what could only be referred to as steady work in his profession.

Now Jensen and change … well, Jen didn't care for it that much.

Not that Jensen didn't like trying something new. He had a thrill-seeker streak a mile long. Wanted to jump out of airplanes, for chrissake – not that Jared had any intention of allowing that to happen. So no, Jen wasn't scared in that way. But change – not exactly the same thing. And shaking the status quo of their relationship pushed his lover's comfort zone further than Jared imagined it would ever go.

 _Lover_.

God, that sounded good. Even if it was only two days old.

"Jay, c'mon man. You're gorgeous enough. Quit staring at yourself already. You barely have time to eat something before Clif gets here."

Breakfast. Can't miss that. Most important meal of the day. Well, not counting lunch and dinner. And snacks.

He gave himself one last glance in the mirror before heading out. It was hokey, but he really felt like he was glowing. God, he was turning into such a sap. Which only served to make his smile even brighter.

"So, you think I'm gorgeous?" Which, of course, was funny because, well, have you seen Jensen?

As expected, Jensen didn't answer. His head tilted down and the faintest of color dusted his cheeks. Jared thought his own glow must have morphed into incandescence by now – thought moon beams must be shooting out of his skin. He looked his lover over. Speaking of gorgeous. And adorable. And sexy. Jared's jeans suddenly felt a size too small.

To distract himself because there wasn't time to do anything about it now _later_ he made a show of raiding the cupboards.

"We need more cereal."

Jensen laughed. "Yeah well, you gotta get out of bed in order to go grocery shopping."

Jared turned back to him, quip ready, but then their eyes met. Damn, he had it bad. He walked closer but didn't touch.

"Waited a long time to get you in bed."

Jensen's eyes stayed on him before blinking, "Yeah."

Jared stepped closer again only this time he did touch, laying his palm against Jensen's freshly shaven cheek.

Jensen turned into his palm, eyes down, voice low. "Worth the wait?"

Jared let out a whoop, because really how could you not laugh at a question like that? It didn't even deserve an answer given that he'd come so hard and so often this past weekend as to almost render him incapacitated. But this was Jensen. Who was so incredibly clueless sometimes about how wonderful he was, that it boggled the mind.

He leaned in to kiss him because it seemed to be a language Jensen understood. Certainly all the ways in plain English that Jared had tried to explain how amazing Jensen was had not registered. That's okay though. Cause Jared planned on repeating it until it did.

Warm lips met his in eager response, parting quickly to allow Jared's tongue entry. _God_. Coffee and the last of the Special K and _Jensen_. Almost forty-eight consecutive hours of this and it still wasn't enough, could never be enough.

Jensen's tongue was fucking into his mouth in slow, hot bursts, tangling with his in a sensuous no-loser duel. Pillow lips melding into his.

"God, you taste good." Jesus, but his mouth was _made_ _for_ _kissing,_ _made_ _for_ _sucking_.

His lover pulled away.

"Jen …?" That's when Jared realized he'd spoken aloud. All of it. But he hadn't said … hadn't meant. _Cocksucker_ _mouth_. In a rare _precious_ moment of openness Jensen had admitted hearing that before. And not in any way that was good. As a teenager starting out in the business, more times than Jared figured Jensen had allowed himself to share.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean … Jen, don't. You know I never …"

"Yeah. It's fine."

A horn outside made them both start.

Jensen turned toward the sound. "Clif's here."

Jared stared at Jensen a moment longer, swallowing hard. His hand reached out and grabbed Jensen's arm. Thinking ceased the moment he absorbed Jensen's shuttered look. "I love you."

 _Whoa_. Did Jared really just say that out loud? Mistake. Too soon. Jen would bolt.

Except he didn't.

Jensen looked directly at him and something like a smile entered those incredible eyes and while he didn't say it back there was this tiny, almost imperceptible nod.

But Jared had seen it.

Good mood returning like a gale, Jared whooped again because it was what he did and never in the history of Mondays had he had one as good as this.

Even if it was only five in the morning.

– – –

"Gummi worms? Really? At six in the morning?"

Jared couldn't turn because Shannon would balk but he instinctively threw his voice a little to the left to reply. "You want one?"

Jared didn't have to look to see Jensen's look of disgust. He broke into laughter which got him a scolding from Shannon anyway. It was a necessary evil to sit in this makeup chair for an hour, sometimes longer every morning to transform his amazingly goofy look into Sam's amazingly broody one.

The transformation in the other chair, however, seemed even more fascinating to Jared. Jensen aged when he became Dean. Not that they used any makeup to achieve this. But they covered those freckles that Jared had previously merely adored but after this weekend had come to worship. They stiffened Jensen's incredibly soft hair until it stood in perfectly tussled spikes. None of that created Dean though.

Nope. Dean came from somewhere else altogether. A place that Jared as an actor could look upon with a touch of awe because Jensen was one fantastic actor and working with him had been an education, a pleasure, a privilege. He knew his own performances benefited from Jensen's presence, his dedication and commitment to the show, to Dean. To Sam.

To Jared.

"Quit wriggling," Shannon scolded again.

He heard Jensen's snort from the other seat. It would be so easy to make him crazy. One small remark about Jensen having a stick up his butt. But Jared refrained. It would be too much for Jensen and the embarrassment too obvious. It was one thing to make Jensen blush in private, another in public. Nope. That heated, quasi-shy, red-faced look that retreated yet begged at the same time was his and his alone. Been a long time since he felt this possessive about anyone.

Come to think of it, he'd never been this possessive. It was odd and new and scary. And kinda wonderful.

Jeannie announced that Jensen was done. He was always done first. Shannon had to spend an extra half hour on Sam's hair alone. Had a mind of its own and never wanted to bow to the good-hair gods. Today, though, it was more than just his hair. Sam needed to look like a strung out addict at the end of his rope.

He caught Jen's eye in the mirror. No more freckles. Jared missed them already.

Jensen turned to leave. "Good luck, Shannon."

"Luck?"

"Making his ugly mug uglier."

Jared laughed despite Shannon's disapproval. "Admit it Ackles, I'm the man of your dreams."

He caught the slightest of chuckles behind him. "Nightmares, you mean." And then a gummi bear pinged Jared in the back of the head causing him to jump and Shannon to stomp and Jared to burst out laughing. Again.

– – –

Alone with Shannon's soft hands applying makeup Jared shut his eyes and let himself drift.

They were shooting 4.21. Huge episode penned by Sera and penultimate one for the season. The split between Sam and Dean was going to explode in this episode. And Sam would make the decision to go with Ruby over his brother. Jensen and he were pretty good at leaving Dean and Sam behind at day's end but some days … it was harder. Jared was pleased with the direction this season had taken although he certainly understood some of the fans' less than enthusiastic reaction to the rift between the brothers. But he'd gotten to play some fantastic moments for Sam – culminating in the series of shots taking place in Bobby's panic room.

He was stoked about this. Already he'd filmed with Christopher who'd reprised his role as Alastair to creepy perfection. And today he'd get to work with Colin and Samantha again. And Jensen as Hallucination Dean. He knew Jen would nail that. They'd been running some lines and Jensen disappeared into that dark place that practically frightened Jared. On film he knew it would leave their fans chilled.

Jared felt bad for Sam. He knew that Sam thought he was doing the right thing even though all his decisions would ultimately be wrong. He'd read the script for the final episode and knew that Sam was about to free Lucifer. Wasn't really his fault. Angels were lying to both Sam and Dean. Jared allowed himself an inner smile, he was defending Sam like a damn fangirl.

He thought again to the episode they were filming. The DeanGirls would go out of their minds after this one. Poor Jensen. They both loved the fans, wouldn't be working without them and they knew this. But Jensen had a harder time. It wasn't easy being that pretty.

Pretty and _his_.

Wow.

The difference between wanting and having really did a number on Jared's sense of entitlement.

Then again they'd taken sexual frustration to new heights. Lived apart. Lived together as roomies. Hovering ever closer and never touching. Started as a one-in-a-million connection. A cosmic dice roll that paid off each time they were together. It showed in their work, as their characters didn't just seem like brothers, they _were_ brothers. When Sam said he'd do anything for Dean, well, it wasn't only Sam.

He couldn't say exactly when the friendship altered to something more, something else. But he knew exactly when he'd realized it. Jared had known Jensen was gay for years. He'd accepted this, same as he'd accepted everything else about Jensen. It was what it was and nothing _Jensen_ was bad. Jared shared back with Jensen that he'd fooled around with both women and men but that he'd only had relationships with women. He thought that eventually he'd get married, have kids. The conversation had come up once. No need to talk about it again after that.

They were the only leads on an hour long show and that meant they worked together an exceptional amount. At the start, Jared worried that they'd get on each other's nerves. Well, that Jared would get on Jensen's nerves. But that didn't happen. Jensen was fun, and funny, and they had Texas in common and hanging out arguing over the Spurs and the Mavs and hours playing Xbox and watching movies and doing absolutely nothing because they were too tired to move. And it was all as easy as breathing.

Until the day Jared _saw_ Jensen.

Not that he hadn't seen him before because, after all, they were together practically 24/7 and so he saw Jensen all the time. But one day, the table read of the season two finale two-parter, to be exact, Jensen was reading Kripke's words, just reading, not performing, not yet. Sam was dead. Not much for Jared to say. The room was uncharacteristically quiet because, well, Jensen's voice was mesmerizing. The words were aching, sad, a broken man who couldn't live with the loss in front of him. Couldn't live without Sam. Jared had looked up from the page and stared at Jensen and suddenly a million details seemed to splinter at once.

Jensen's arms, his hands, those lips, the curve of his jaw, his damn perfect profile.

And then Jen paused and looked up, turning his head like he _knew_. He hadn't looked at Eric or Kim or Bob or Serge or Phil or Sera. Those amazing eyes slammed into Jared and literally stole his breath. Jared had to bite his lip to keep from getting up and touching him, more … grabbing him. Desire ripped through his body like a bullet through flesh.

Needless to say he didn't get up. Didn't grab him. Didn't say anything. Looked back at the script and wriggled in his seat and thought. Okay. Where'd that come from?

At first he figured it was a fluke. The emotions fueled by Dean's words would melt ice and Jensen was exceptionally hot by any standard and so Jared had noticed. No big deal.

The filming was intense, the storyline charged. Sam was dying in Dean's arms. Dean was breaking like never before. Jared just didn't expect to feel so concerned for Jensen about having to play all this like he did. But they were best friends and it was natural to care.

During the wrap party Jared had gotten drunk, which was not exactly a one-time experience. Jensen was drinking, too, although maybe not quite as much. Hard to tell. And at first it was normal, joking, bitching, teasing, snarking. What they did. Who they were.

But then Jared stumbled.

And Jensen moved to stop his fall.

And Jared felt slammed again.

Only this time he saw something flicker in Jen's eyes as well.

But Jared wasn't sure and he was still with Sandy and he thought Jensen was dating someone, although whomever it was Jen kept pretty quiet about. Some dude. And thinking back on this now Jared wondered if there even had been anyone. If perhaps Jensen hadn't made it up to make those moments disappear.

This weekend, after the initial carnal explosion, when they finally came up for air they'd talked some. Jen admitted that the attraction was there for a while.

Jared had practically snorted. "Two years man, I'd call that a while." Jensen had looked sheepish at this, so Jared pushed, "What?"

"Mighta been longer."

"What mighta been longer?" But then Jared got it and didn't let Jensen answer, just started kissing him all over again. Maybe it was longer. Maybe it was from that first ever glance over Eric's head. Hell, maybe it was always and maybe it didn't matter. What mattered was now. What mattered was forever because he wasn't planning on letting this go.

"You're good to go sweetie." Shannon swatted him out of the chair. He couldn't smile. Might as well start becoming Sam now. With a Sam half-nod he went to work.

– – –

First up was the scene with Colin, his younger alter ego. He liked the kid a lot. The young actor was professional and eager and a huge fan of the show. He and Jensen had spent some time with both Colin and Ridge, who'd played young Dean last year. He approached the panic room set, which was huge. They rigged it to be able to film 360 and he walked carefully over to where Colin and Bob were waiting.

They rehearsed a couple of times but Colin was ready to play, knew his lines, his marks, a real pro. Jared was Sam now, perpetual scowl in place. He twitched more than usual to simulate the demon blood withdrawal symptoms, Shannon spritzed his forehead to simulate sweat. Slight touchup and _action_.

Young Sam was asking Sam why he blew it, let normal go, gave up all his goals? Why he'd stomped on all of the kid's dreams? Tough questions. It wasn't hard to play the confusion, the regret coupled with the tired resignation. Because if Sam was anything, he was so tired. So used.

"We were never gonna be normal. We were never gonna get away. Grow up." The words were harsh yet underpinned with pain. And Sam's descent was just beginning.

"Cut."

They needed to fit Colin with the special yellow contacts to turn him into Sam's inner demon. They would make the young actor blind and so Jared rose and helped him into position for his final, devastating line to Sam.

"Maybe you're right. Maybe there's no escape. After all, how can you run from what's inside you?"

Jared watched in awe as the young man in front of him transformed from sweet kid into evil incarnate. It wasn't hard to draw up Sam's fear, the kid was scaring the shit out of him.

They finished Colin's coverage and then started on Jared.

– – –

The day continued smoothly, everyone bringing their A-game to this riveting episode. Jared's pride in the work continued to grow as he dug deeper into Sam's skin. But despite feeling good about his performance, it hurt to be this confused, this fucked up, locked in this space. The demon blood as drug metaphor worked for Jared. But he played it with an extra layer. Because the blood didn't get Sam high per se, it made him powerful. And all those adages about power, they existed for good reason. He filled himself with the words of his television mother.

_Yes, our family is cursed. But you — you have the power to turn it into a gift. You can use it against them. … Dean can never know how strong you are, because Dean is weak. Look at what he's done to you. Locking you in here? He's terrified. He's in over his head. You have to go on without him. You have what it takes. You have to kill Lilith._

This was what would make the final fight scene with Dean possible. Sam's love for Dean had lost all perspective. He would go through Dean to achieve the goal because that's all Sam had. He'd lost all else, he'd narrowed his entire life to one thing – destroy the thing that had killed Dean. And destroyed Sam.

"Jensen, good to see you."

Jensen approached and kissed the Winchesters' mother's cheek. "You, too. You done here?"

"Yep. I think I screwed up your little brother's head enough for one day." Samantha laughed.

Jensen looked over to Jared who still sat on the cot in the center of the room. They were setting up to film the scene where Sam has a conversation with Dean, only it turns out Dean is only in Sam's head.

"See ya big boy," Samantha called out.

Jared stood and forced Sam away. Usually it wasn't hard. Jensen was the one who sometimes found it tough to shake off Dean. Jared typically broke character and that was that. But something about spending hours on this set, even though it was open and not shut off like it would appear on screen, the claustrophobic feeling seeped in anyway.

He plastered a smile on his face and kissed Samantha goodbye and started walking without saying another word.

Jensen caught up with him after a few yards.

"Hey."

Jared stopped, faced Jensen. "Hey."

He caught Jen's concerned stare. "You okay?"

Jared ran a hand through his hair. A habit he shared with Sam. He looked down at his clothes and wished he could change, really put Sam away. But there wasn't time. They needed to be back in less than an hour. He looked at Jen and silently conveyed, please follow me, before heading toward his trailer.

Inside he grabbed a bottled water and tossed one to Jensen who'd plopped himself down in a chair.

"You know, I woke up in the best mood of my life this morning."

Jensen looked up at him, mouth turning up into a half-hearted smile. "Sam sapping your good mood away?"

Jared met Jensen's eyes. "He does that sometimes."

"Yeah, Dean can be a mood killer, too."

Jared stepped closer and kneeled in front of Jensen's chair. Jensen opened his legs and rested his chin on top of Jared's head. Closing his eyes and wrapping his long arms loosely around Jensen's back, Jared let Sam melt away. Jen's hands started a slow massage on his shoulders. Felt so good. He wanted a kiss but they had to get back and he didn't trust himself. The effect Jensen had on him wasn't going to be contained in one kiss.

He wanted to say I love you again. Thought it, as he felt the warmth of Jen's hands gently kneading his shoulder. Only, saying it and not being able to follow it up with touching would leave him aching too much. Later, when they were alone. In his house. In his bed. Their bed.

Reluctantly he pulled back. "We have to head back."

Jensen nodded.

"Jay?"

"Mmm?"

"You gonna be okay for this scene?"

Jared met Jensen's eyes. The scene where Dean calls Sam a monster? The one that whorls Sam off the deep end? Yeah. As ready as he was going to get.

– – –

Chains held Jared to the small cot. They weren't secured tight enough to hurt but that claustrophobic feeling was back in spades. This scene with Hallucination Dean took place after Sam's bounced around the walls by the demon blood, hence the chains. But they didn't film that part yet. That was going to follow once they got the rigs all set up. First, Dean had to rip out what was left of Sam's heart.

Bob called action and Sam popped up on the cot yanking at his restraints. Dean was there.

"We had to. The demon blood was flinging you all over the room. Tell me something, Sam. Why did you do this to yourself?"

Frustration flowed through him, so tired, so angry, so spent. "You know why."

The exchange continued and Dean didn't get it. Dean never got it.

They filmed it straight through although when edited it will play differently. There were multiple takes because they needed coverage that showed Sam was alone in this room, so that the audience realized that Dean wasn't really there – that this was all in Sam's head. How much self loathing forced Sam to tell himself these things?

"I know why you really drink that blood, Sam."

Jared let the frustration grow, which at this point wasn't that hard. "Just leave me alone."

"Makes you feel strong. Invincible. A big bad wolf in a world of little pigs."

And there it was. The truth. Laid bare by the one person Sam loved most, the one he failed the most, over and over. And in his helpless rage at Dean's death, Sam had reached out for control, for power. From the thing he hated the most – the demon blood. Even knowing what it would make him.

"Because you're a monster."

Sam's worst fear – the word that defined his every nightmare since the day he discovered they were real. "Shut up! Just—shut. The hell. Up."

"And I tried so hard to pretend that we were brothers. That you weren't one of the filthy things that we hunt. But we're not even the same species. You're _nothing_ to me."

Jensen's voice deepened to gravel and his eyes were cold, empty … Jared shuddered at the last words. It was Dean to Sam and it hurt like a knife and Jensen kept that icy, contemptuous gaze locked on him and the rational, professional part of Jared knew this wasn't real. They were acting. It was make believe. Jensen would never say anything like that to him …

"Don't say that to me. _Don't_ _you_ _say_ _that_ _to_ _me_."

"Cut and print. Nice job guys."

Jared pulled at the damn chains hard and their PA, Sarah, ran over to free him. Jensen stood ramrod still, breathing hard. Jared looked up but all he saw was Dean. And really, Jared was tired of Dean. He wanted his Jen back, like yesterday.

"Jensen."

He watched his partner blink, run a hand over his face – something Jensen and Dean shared. When the hand disappeared warmth was returning to Jensen's eyes.

There was some time while they set up for Jared to be flung all over the panic room so they headed together to craft services. Jensen was next scheduled to film his scenes with Jim in the interior set for Bobby's house. Phil was directing that while Bob finished up with Jared in the panic room. The schedule was aggressive but what else was new?

Jensen grabbed an apple, tossed one at Jared. Taking a bite, Jared also grabbed a couple of cookies.

"You were good, Jay."

Jared turned to Jensen at this and swallowed down the apple. "You were scary."

Jen chuckled. "That was the idea."

"Sera outdid herself."

"Yeah. It's a great script. You ready for our knock down fight?"

Jared put on a harsh face. "Bring it on." He took a bite of the cookie. " 'S tomorrow, right?"

"Yep. Bright and early. They want to have time to set up my mirror crash."

"Todd's not doing that?"

"Nah. No need. I can do it."

Jared nodded and bit into his apple again. He caught Jensen staring with a smile. "What?"

"You've got cookie crumbs all over your face, apple's making it stick."

Jared leaned in so others couldn't hear. "Wish you could lick it off me."

Jensen blushed slightly and Jared laughed. It was too easy. And Jensen was too adorable and his urge to kiss him was making Jared feel giddy again.

"What?"

Jared smiled. "Nothing. I'm happy."

"You're always happy."

Jared twisted his face in a Sam-like way. "Not always."

Jen's eyebrows rose.

Jared conceded. "Okay, so usually. Beats being someone like Sam all day long. Mr. Gloom-is-Me."

"I hear you. If I really had Dean's problems I think I'd kill myself."

"Yeah, but Misha'd just bring you back."

They both laughed this time and Jared took in the gleam in Jensen's eyes and the way they kept trailing back to him, dancing over his face and gave in to the urge to touch with a quick squeeze to his lover's shoulder.

Sarah appeared holding a clip-boarded call sheet and Jared went back to work.

– – –

After four years, Jared had done enough 'ratchet off the walls' stunts that he'd told their stunt coordinator, Lou, he could do the bounce off the wall of the panic room with no problem. He'd really only be hitting the big crash mat, anyway; the composite team would put the wall in the shot in post-production. Once he was laced in the hard vest he put his 'stunt shirt' over it, and Lou hooked the wires to the plastic through the three slits in the back of his shirt.

He'd gone through the practice motions of hitting the pad square with his back and then rotating 360 degrees to the left, keeping his arms high enough to not tangle in the wire. The rotation was a fun twist – truth be told, Jared loved the rush of flying when the ratchet was released.

"Ready, Jared?"

He nodded, wiped the grin of anticipation from his face and settled into the strung-out expression of Sam blowing through the D.T.s. He rested lightly on the balls of his feet, ready for the tug.

"Action!"

Wham! He hit the pad and ricocheted to the left but his feet weren't high enough to make the full turn.

"Cut!"

Another try but he still wasn't pulled back with enough lift to make the revolution.

Lou, Bob, and Ed, who was releasing the cable, conferred for a few minutes, and then Lou came over to Jared. "We're gonna put an extra seven pounds of pull on it, that should take care of getting you clear of the ground. You doin' okay, or do you want Mike to do it?"

"No, man, I'm fine." Jared grinned. Hell, compared to being chained to a cot while Jensen wrote him _wrote_ _Sam_ out of his life, yeah, this was playtime.

"Okay, everyone ready? Action!" Bob called again.

It happened too fast for Jared to fully register – the cable yanked him up again, but before his shoulders hit the pad there was a crack and suddenly he was flying at the wrong angle, no longer tethered by the three-point harness. He flew at a forty-five degree angle to the ground and had no control over the smash as his back hit the edge of the crash mat just below the protection of the safety vest.

"Unh!" The uncontrollable recoil dumped him flat on his chest. It was just like being in a comic book, as shooting stars floated all around. It took several minutes for the hollering of the crew to penetrate the roaring in his ears. He started to move.

A hand pressed his shoulder down. "Lay still, Jared, we're getting the medic!"

"Uh, I'm, uh, okay …"

"You probably are, but don't move anyway, okay?" Bob Singer was kneeling by his head. "What the fuck happened, Lou?"

Dimly, Jared knew that tone of Bob's voice meant heads were gonna roll. 'Course his own head was doing that quite nicely on its own … The safety vest had twisted around on his chest and the hard edges were cutting into his ribs. Then Fran, the paramedic on set, was leaning over him, pressing gently in different spots and asking where it hurt. "Ow!" His lower back stabbed hot and tight as he shifted his arms back and out.

"Easy. Don't move too much yet. I'm going to ice it and get you to the hospital. I'll call for an ambulance."

"No ambulance. Not necessary. I don't need-" But then he made the mistake of trying to move again and the pain literally stole his breath rendering him mute. He heard a ringing and swallowed a wave of nausea fearing for a moment he might black out.

Something cold was pressing into his back and it soothed and he felt himself starting to clear.

"You're going to have a heckuva bruise."

"Yeah." He took a deep breath and rolled to his side over Fran's protests. It hurt but was easing up already. He sat leaning against the mat for a few minutes more, until taking a deep breath didn't cause him to flinch.

Bob came back over. "Are you sure you don't want me to call an ambulance?"

Finding his balance he held onto Fran's arm and managed to stand. "No. I can walk. Fran can take me. Just a bump."

Bob's brow furrowed but he didn't say anything further. Lou approached immediately apologizing. Jared held out his hand. "It's fine. Not your fault. Things happen."

Jared turned back to Bob, hated how fragile his voice sounded but … "Where's Jensen?"

"Still shooting his scenes with Jim. Schedule's so damn tight … Want … want me to get him?"

 _God,_ _yes._ _Fuck,_ _it_ _hurt_ _and_ … "No. Don't bother him. Let him wrap. Don't tell him anything. Let him finish. Okay?"

Bob nodded and said nothing as Fran steered him to a car for a ride to the ER.

Leaving, Jared had a stab of guilt because he knew if the situation were reversed he'd be pissed if Jensen didn't tell him if he'd been in an accident. But he knew that although he was sore he was essentially fine and this accident would cost the production time as it was and it was better for Jensen to be able to finish in peace.

**Chapter 2**

Jensen wasn't pissed.

Jensen was fucking livid.

"Bob, how the hell did this happen? How could you allow this? Why didn't somebody tell me earlier? How is he? Where is he now?"

"Slow down. Jared's fine. Fran's driving him home, X-rays were clean. But he'll need to take it easy for a day so we'll have to postpone the fight scene and work around it."

Jensen inhaled and tried really hard to calm his temper before he told Bob just what he thought of his schedule.

And hours had passed. Why the hell had nobody told him about this earlier?

Perhaps realizing Jensen's anger was on a short tether, Bob quickly tackled some of the other answers. "Lou's doing an investigation. They don't know yet what happened. He's trying to determine if it was something with the vest or with the cable, from the extra pressure they put on it. We'll know more later. And before you yell at me some more, I wanted to go get you but Jared said no, said to let you finish. Given that we're about to lose a day I can't say I'm not glad he made that call."

 _Son_ _of_ _a_ _bitch_. Jensen curbed his inner Dean and again tried to still the urge to hit someone. "I … excuse me." He turned and took a few steps away from Bob and pulled out his cell, dialing quickly.

"Jen?"

 _Thank_ _god_. "Jay, where are you? Are you okay?"

" 'M good. Drugged up. Fran just pulled up to the house. Are you … coming home?"

"Yeah. Soon as I change." Now that he knew Jared was okay the anger returned like lightening. "Asshole. Why did you tell Bob not to tell me?"

"Wasn't so bad and you were working."

"Fuck the work. You were hurt … I saw the broken rig … it could've gone bad."

"But it didn't."

Jensen could feel eyes on him as his body shuddered. Dammit. He had to get out of here. Stop being so public. He hated this kind of attention.

"Come home." Jared's voice held a little whine at the end.

"Yeah. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"You heading out?" Bob asked.

Jensen nodded. He took a last look at the broken harness and fought the chill racing up his spine. His eyes hardened. "Find out what the fuck happened and make sure it never happens again."

Bob looked him in eye and nodded.

– – –

The ride home was interminable. He didn't know if he'd kiss Jared or slug him when he saw him. He decided both sounded good. Idiot. He should have let him know right away. First the broken wrist a couple of years ago and now this. This accident was no joke, Jared could have gotten seriously injured, he could have broken his neck, he could have …

"He'll be okay. Fran said they gave him some good painkillers." Clif must have sensed Jensen's nerves. He wondered if the inner twitching he felt was manifesting outwardly and he was making the seat tremble.

"Great. Loopy Jared."

"How can you tell the difference?" Clif joked.

Jensen forced himself to laugh. He guessed it was a little funny. When Jared had broken his wrist, they'd given him Vicodin for the first day or so and he'd been pretty out of it. Slept mostly. They'd just moved in together then. As friends. As it was before this weekend, when his orderly world combusted.

Up until three days ago it had been about suppressing want.

What's weird was that Jensen had gotten accustomed to the wanting. It became the natural order of things. He wanted lots of things he couldn't have. Wouldn't mind world peace. Could do with James Cameron giving him a call. Heck, it would be nice if _Supernatural_ moved its filming to Los Angeles and he could see what it felt like to work somewhere other than Vancouver. And he wanted Jared Padalecki. He'd wanted him for a long, long time.

And he wasn't stupid. He'd known for a good chunk of that long time that Jared wouldn't push him away. But Jensen had been hesitant to make the move. At first, of course, it was out of the question because he had no idea Jared was even into guys. And even when that particular obstacle seemed to disappear there was Sandy. By the time Jared and Sandy split Jensen had a pretty good idea that he might be part of the reason and that he was pretty much excuse-less for not doing something about this ridiculous, endless crush, that would not die.

But he'd done nothing.

They finished filming and gone on hiatus and he'd worked on other projects and he and Jared spoke on the phone and texted, but out of sight always made it easier. Then they returned to start filming their third season and things were easy like usual and it felt normal and unpressured. Sure, moments popped up that tested his resolve. Jared had absolutely no sense of personal space and sometimes, when Jensen was absorbed in a bear hug that revealed every one of Jared's rippling muscles, he thought about it again. _Wanted_. But he'd tamped it back down, kept the lid tight and convinced himself that breaking the status quo was a bad idea. After all, what they had, their friendship, was so good, and taking that other step could mess up everything. So he did nothing.

Until this weekend.

When his heart inexplicably took over and Jensen had jumped off the proverbial cliff. And what a fall that had been. Because the difference between imagining what having Jared would be like and actually having him was like the difference between dreaming and being awake. Thinking about those large hands on him made him instantly hard and he blushed furiously and squirmed in the seat hoping Clif wasn't noticing anything and god could this drive take any longer?

"You okay Jensen? Tough day today, eh?"

Jensen shifted again and tried to answer. "Yeah." Oh god. Did his voice just come out like a squeak? "Accidents on the set always makes everyone nuts."

"You got a stunt of your own coming up, right?"

For a minute he couldn't think what Clif was talking about and then he remembered the big drag out they still had to film. How was he going to throw Jared around the room now that he'd hurt his back? Except, Sam wins that fight. But still … he needed to speak with Bob.

Finally they pulled in front of their house. It took all of Jensen's efforts to not run inside.

"Jay?"

He found Jared on the couch, propped up, surrounded by his dogs. Jensen walked over and gently moved Harley and Sadie aside so he could sit next to him. Sadie went willingly, Harley gave him a plaintive little growl. Jensen absently petted Sadie, mumbling, "How's my girl?" before turning to Jared.

Jared smiled sloppily and dropped his head on Jensen's shoulder. "Hey baby."

 _Baby?_ Jared really was out of it. Jensen smiled, lifting Jared's head back up so he could see him better.

"How are you? Does it hurt?"

Jared shook his head. "Gave me these pills."

"I can see that. So no pain?"

"Nope. Feel pretty good."

"Wanna talk about it?"

Jared gave a little groan, really more of a moan. Whatever it was, it was sexy as hell. "Would rather cuddle." He plopped his head down on Jensen again.

Heart quickening Jensen put his arm around Jay's shoulder and pulled him closer. Jared really did make loving him exceptionally easy. "Pizza?"

There was another squeaky little moan in response. Jensen reached for the phone to place the order and then located the remote between the cushions. The television hadn't even been on.

"Whatcha been doing, Jay? Just sitting here?"

A soft kiss reached Jensen's neck making him shiver. "Been waiting for you. Missed you."

He returned the kiss to the top of Jay's head. "Missed you, too. And I was worried. I saw the harness. It was in fucking pieces, Christ, Jay, you could have been hurt."

Jared shifted slightly and glassy hazel eyes met his. "I'm not that easy to get rid of."

Jensen held his gaze. "I'm not trying to get rid of you." He leaned in for a soft kiss. "But if you scare me like that again, I will have to kill you."

Jared laughed into his mouth before kissing him again. Their tongues slid together in slow, languid strokes. Jensen thought if he lived to a hundred he'd couldn't imagine getting tired of this. Sugar and spice and everything … Christ he was about to fucking rhyme. He pulled away on a half chuckle.

"What's funny?" Jared looked at him sleepily.

"Nothin'." Jared looked beat. The pizza would have to wait. "C'mon, let's get you upstairs."

Flashing a sexy grin Jared purred, "You trying to get in my pants again, Ackles?"

Jensen took in six feet five inches of taunt muscle and leered suggestively back. "Always."

"I'll race you." Jared dared but hitched when trying to stand, breaking the mood.

"Whoa. Steady, lean on me." Jared twisted with what looked like pain as he rose. Jensen held tight to Jared's waist. "I got you, c'mon … forget the stairs, sleep in my room."

Still grimacing Jared turned to him. "I knew it."

Jensen smiled because how could you not.

– – –

Eating pizza on the couch alone while Jared was sacked out in bed was nowhere near as much fun as eating pizza together. For one, nobody loved food like Jared did. He ate with gusto, like everything, no matter what he was eating, from fine cuisine to gummi bears, was the best thing in the world. Actually, he did everything pretty much that way. Jensen felt his cheeks heat, oh for heaven's sake, even alone he was blushing now.

It was hard to keep the memories at bay. They were still so fresh. The first time he'd felt Jared's lips against his he thought he'd melt. And when they traveled further south he almost lost it on the spot. At first he chalked it up to newness. Endless anticipation. Want becoming have. But as the weekend progressed and every time made him feel like his body was charged with electric current, he figured it was just Jared. It wasn't technique … it was joy. And it was contagious. Because while Jensen'd never gotten complaints in bed, he didn't remember ever being as giving either.

Jared opened up something inside Jensen he hadn't known was there. In his arms, Jensen's innate cynicism seemed to melt, disappear into this world of sensation - tasting, touching, sharing.

And Jared was so giving. His experiences with another man were practically nil but he'd let Jensen do everything. Try everything. It wasn't fearlessness. It was trust. And it seemed to loosen something inside Jensen. Shit, he'd considered himself a top until Jared. He wasn't a virgin but hardly ever wanted to share himself like that. He knew it wasn't exactly logical, but being a bottom was like, too intimate, too exposing. Except with Jared, he'd wanted … more, everything, like there wasn't such a thing as too close. Everything they did felt _right_. And so he'd allowed Jared to fill him, and it just about blew his mind.

Adjusting himself and getting up to throw out the pizza remains he wondered just when it was he became quite such a girl.

Bob had called earlier to check in. Eric, too. He knew the entire crew was worried and felt good about being able to assure them that Jared was fine and sleeping. They rearranged the schedule and were going to spend tomorrow doing second unit work. Jensen needed to go in but not as early as usual, which was good. He really didn't want to leave Jared at all but they needed him to do some ADR for 4.20, which was currently in post-production and he couldn't say no. Jared really was okay.

The doctor had said that Jared would be fine shooting the fight scene the day after tomorrow. Jensen didn't like it, still thought it might be too soon but they needed to wrap up this episode and start working on the season finale or the network would have a cow. He smiled. Seemed like his little brother was going to free the big guy. A rather huge Sam whoops. Whatever. At least they were both alive at the end of the season. Well, most likely, given the ambiguous fade to white at the end of Eric's script. But they were renewed so he figured Sam and Dean would live on to fight another day.

Who could have guessed this little genre show would go five seasons? Certainly not Kripke, who seemed more shocked than anyone with every renewal. Well, for all their sakes he hoped Eric really had a five-year plan because that's where they were heading. He loved the direction this last season had taken. Dean was drawn into the mythology like never before. Not that he hadn't enjoyed playing the protective older brother but it was nice having an identity, a purpose on the show outside of Sam.

Misha was a great addition and such a pleasure to work with and hang with. Smart as a whip, too. He'd picked up on Jared and himself before the first week was out. Bold as hell he'd just asked outright. And sneaky, too, because he'd asked each of them separately. But even though he and Jared weren't lovers at the time there was no way this inquiry wouldn't be shared.

"No shit? He asked me, too!"

Jensen remembered his mouth going dry hearing this. It's not like either had had to lie when answering Misha, but in the silence stuff floated between them that they never said aloud. They were in Jensen's trailer, waiting, which is how a lot of their days were spent. Jared was sitting on his chair (and yes, he had a chair designated as Jared's in Jensen's trailer) and playing idly with the Xbox controls even though he wasn't playing a game.

After a minute, Jared asked, "What did you tell him?"

Jensen met his eyes. He wanted to answer that he'd told Misha the truth except they both knew he hadn't and this may have been the first time it was acknowledged between them even though nobody said a word. The stare lasted too long and Jensen broke it first. "That we're friends."

_That I want to fuck you into oblivion._

But he'd left that last part out.

He looked back at Jared, but his expression was uncharacteristically closed. "What did _you_ tell him?"

There was a pause and Jared's voice was almost Sam deep. "That you're my best friend."

Jensen's heart stirred at this memory. They were best friends. He'd feared losing that above all else. It was really what kept him stuck, unable to make that next move. He knew Jared would have moved them along well earlier. He knew it was his own hands off signal that prevented it.

Now he entered his bedroom, and even sprawled unconscious from the painkillers, Jared was fucking magnificent and Jensen was really glad he'd finally woken up and taken a chance. And truthfully, from the first moment their lips met he was hopelessly lost and there was no turning back and the millisecond later when Jared parted his lips Jensen forgot why they hadn't been doing this for years.

He was careful climbing into bed so as to not disturb but Jared stirred anyway. Jensen turned to him, thinking he was waking up but Jared's eyes were still shut and his face looked troubled. Instantly alarmed he leaned over his lover.

"No! … Jens'n … _Jen_ …"

"Jared. I'm here. It's just a dream, c'mon, wake up, you're okay."

The thrashing continued and Jared's arms came up hard, knocking Jensen back before Jared was suddenly awake. It took a few seconds for Jared to focus on Jensen's face. "Jen? Where …?"

"You're home. In my room so you wouldn't have to walk upstairs. You okay? Were you dreaming about the accident?"

Jared's eyes still looked glazed, out of it. "No … I don't remember … Drugs fuck me up, man. Hate 'em."

Jensen understood. He hated strong painkillers, too. But pain was worse, especially the kind of back pain Jared must be feeling. He'd been slammed hard. Speaking of which, "Does it hurt?"

" 'M okay." Jared snuggled closer. "Better now."

They settled in together, Jared nestling against Jensen's shoulder. Nobody spoke but Jensen knew Jared was awake now.

Jensen was too wired to sleep, his mind wouldn't shut off. "You know, I never think of our jobs as dangerous. I mean, sure, we get a bruise here and there or cut or whatnot but it's normal. I mean, I never think about it, you know."

"You're thinking about it now?"

"I guess. And it's not like I can even say Mike should have done that one. Because he didn't need to. I know you could handle it."

Jared snorted. "Yeah. I handled it great."

"Stop. You were perfect. I'm sure you were. The damn thing snapped like a rubber band. Jared … Jay … you could have really—"

Jared shifted on his arm, he heard the slight groan as he turned to face him. Jensen wanted to tell him to stay still but wanted to see him even more.

"Jen. I love you for caring this much. But really, I'm fine. It's what you said, it's the job. We get perks folks can't even dream of. And we get this. Luckily, it's _really_ rare. And it looks like we got our disaster over with for this episode. You know there's always gotta be something to make Kripke go just that much balder."

Jensen chuckled. Only Jared could make him laugh about this.

Jared leaned in to kiss him again. He let the sizzle ricochet through his body and wondered briefly if it would always really keep feeling like that first time, every time, because so far … But he didn't want to risk stressing Jared's back further. Between the painkillers and the endorphins Jay probably wouldn't feel it, but Jensen was pretty sure _crazy_ _mad_ _fucking_ was not on the doctor's orders. So he wrapped himself around his partner and murmured, "Get some sleep. 'S not like this is the last chance we'll have, you know."

– – –

Jared hated being stuck at home. But the doctor's instructions were fairly strict – if he expected to go back to work the next day then he'd need to rest his back and keep activity to a minimum today. So after poutily kissing Jensen goodbye in the morning, he turned back inside to grab the leashes and take Harley and Sadie for a walk. He got a few steps out the back door when Jensen suddenly appeared.

_So so caught._

"Thought you left."

"Thought you were under orders to take it easy today. All day."

"Jen …"

"No. Dammit, Jared … I told Clif you'd do this. That the second I left you'd sneak out."

"I'm only taking the kids for a walk."

"They can run around in the yard."

"It's just a walk."

Jared knew he was coming off like a five-year-old and that Jensen was right and he shouldn't sacrifice their ability to film tomorrow, but dammit, it _was_ just a walk.

Jensen came closer, held his arm. "Jay. I'm sorry. I am. I know you hate this. But it's just one day. Let your back heal and come back to work. We've only got a few weeks left before we wrap for the season."

Jared didn't reply, letting the words flow over him. Hiatus. Something else they didn't talk about. But three months without Jensen just wasn't happening. He snapped his mind back to the present. "Okay. You're right."

The dogs were playing. Chasing each other around. Normally this made him smile but he was feeling out of sorts. Couldn't shake the remnants of a dream he could barely remember. Just left this odd aftertaste that never totally went away. Maybe it was just the accident, getting knocked about.

He looked back from the dogs to Jensen's concerned stare. "I'm fine, dude, go earn your living. I'll be here. In the house. I won't go further than this yard. I promise."

Jensen squeezed his arm a moment and then turned to go. "I'll call you."

"I'll be screening, so I might not answer." Jared set his lips in a pout.

"Fuck you, you'll answer."

That gaze was on him again only this time there was something more than just concern shining in Jensen's eyes.

"Yeah, and why is that?" It was impossible to resist that look.

"Because I can make you come with just my voice."

The back gate closed behind Jensen leaving Jared breathless and staring long after Clif pulled away.

– – –

"Luceee … I'm home." Jensen chuckled at his own joke because Jared was nowhere to be seen. Concern gripped him. He'd been edgy at work and found concentrating on the looping more difficult than usual. He'd spoken extensively with Lou and Phil and Bob and they'd conferenced in Eric and even fucking McG about the snapped wire and how the fuck this could have happened and fluke accident was the closest anybody came to any sort of explanation and he hated the randomness of that so much he felt like putting his fist through a wall.

That morning, watching Jared hide the grimace each time he stood up or sat down or twisted toward his left side had just pierced him inside. But that was nothing compared to the mind-numbing terror he'd felt when he'd seen that snapped cable. That could have been Jared's neck. It was bad enough when Jared had broken his wrist and Jensen had just been loving him from afar. Now. After … He had to stop thinking about this or he'd make himself crazy.

And now it looked like Jared had disobeyed the doctor's advice and taken off again. Dammit.

He checked the backyard. Was immediately attacked by Sadie who adored him and ignored by Harley, which was par for the course. Harley loved his daddy. Jared had joked that Sadie loved her mommy and Jensen had smacked him upside the head for that crack. But that was nothing compared to what he was going to do with Jared when he got his hands on him because he wasn't in the fucking yard and he wasn't supposed to go out and he was risking his back and being able to work tomorrow and driving Jensen insane. As always.

Raking a hand through his hair he pulled out his cell phone and dialed Jared's number. And he heard ringing.

Upstairs.

The idiot wouldn't have gone out without his cell phone. The car was in the driveway. Where the hell could he have disappeared to?

He raced upstairs toward the ringing, disconnecting midway.

Jared's bedroom door was open. His cell phone was laying on his bedside table, silent now.

And Jared was splayed out on his bed. Naked. Sheet barely covering him. Hand under the sheet playing with himself languidly.

Jensen stopped breathing.

Jared's voice was low, predatory. Deadly. "Took you long enough."

Jensen opened his mouth to speak but without air, nothing came out.

A hungry laugh broke the silence. "C'mere baby."

He approached and climbed on and wanted to say no fair, because Jared clearly had a head start but then he stopped thinking because Jared started moving those large, warm hands under Jensen's tee-shirt and his body went from sizzle to burn. His fingers got hungry and he reached out and felt each delicious hard ripple under his fingertips. _God_.

Jensen knew he was in good shape. He worked out. But not like this. Touching Jared was like an anatomy lesson come to exquisite, vivid life. Lats and pecs and abs and glutes. Strong. Hard. _His_.

He tugged his own shirt off and allowed himself the last rational thought he could manage because Jared had just been hurt and … "You sure …?" he mumbled before Jared's mouth devoured his again. He thrust his tongue urgently against Jared's, feeling the tightness in his groin grow. You'd think this strange desperation would lessen, but it didn't, it got stronger. _Want_. It was the only semi-coherent thought he had left.

Jared's erection pressed into him, hard and insistent and he mashed back forcefully frustrated by the fabric between them. He sensed Jared's equal impatience as he started pulling down on Jensen's jeans, dragging his boxers along with one hard tug. And then Jared shifted him sideways and fisted his cock in his incredible hand until Jensen was thrusting so hard into Jared's grip he felt the bed shift or maybe it was only him that was shifting, pushing, reaching. With practiced precision Jared slicked the pre come around over the head and then back and down and, _Jesus_ , he struggled to reach Jay, to touch him but his hands forgot how to work as Jared picked up the pace and jerked him in strong, fast, steady strokes that drove him fucking insane …

And then Jared started talking in his ear, smoky deep and so dirty. "Let go, come for me baby, come all over me. Fucking love to watch you ..."

Yes … _Jared_ _…_ _Jay_ _…_

Instinctively Jared plundered his mouth as he came and Jensen felt his breath sucked out of him as his body jerked and heaved and shattered in his lover's arms. _God_.

"Nah, it's still just me."

Jensen was too spent to move let alone speak. But inside he giggled at the joke.

"Jen, you said my name."

Starting to feel some blood returning to other body parts he tilted his head back toward Jared. "Huh?"

"Before. When you … you said my name."

"Already told you I don't do that, the name thing. I just … don't." He covered up his embarrassment with this conversation by leaning over to grab a tissue and cleaned them both up.

Jared laughed. He didn't know anyone who laughed as often or as real as Jared did. "Okay. I'll just add it to the list."

"What list?"

"The intimate-things-Jensen-doesn't-do list."

Annoyed he pulled back a little and whined, "You're keeping a list?"

"Yep. Started it after our first kiss. When you said you didn't kiss much."

Jensen blushed.

Jared continued, "Then you said you don't blush."

Clearly somebody was enjoying this.

"Then there was the no cuddling. Preferring to sleep alone. No swallowing. Not really into being a bottom. And you won't be calling out my name."

"Shut up."

Jared laughed again.

"I can hurt you."

"I'm an invalid."

Damn. He had him there. "Yeah, but eventually, I can hurt you."

"But you won't."

"I won't?"

Jared was stroking his own cock in slow, easy swipes and Jensen's brain was starting to short circuit again. "No. What you will do, is blow me."

Jensen started to salivate before he'd even made it halfway down Jared's endlessly long body. He licked his way down, savoring the taste and the strength and the length …. _God,_ _you_ _'_ _re_ _so_ _gorgeous_.

Above his head he hazily heard a chuckle. "I forgot that one."

He was already descending so he missed some of Jared's muffled continuation. "You don't do compliments."

– – –

Jensen looked over the elaborate honeymoon suite set with some trepidation. They had filmed here a few days ago with Genevieve but this time it was prepped for Sam and Dean's big show-down. Jared insisted he was fine, that his back didn't hurt any more but Jensen still saw him making small pained expressions when he turned certain ways.

Frustration ran through him. He couldn't let the personal get in the way. Not when they had work to do. Luckily, Dean wasn't feeling empathy. Dean was scared. He was losing the most precious thing in his life, watching Sam morph into something unrecognizable, hateful. And he couldn't do a thing to stop it. And when Dean got scared, he lashed out.

Jared was still in makeup so Jensen came here early to get his head in the game.

Bob caught his eye. "We doing this?"

"You bet."

"Start it checked and let it build."

"It'll build all right."

Bob laughed. "I know. Sera went brutal didn't she?"

There was this sudden quiet around them and Jensen realized Jared must be approaching. Accidents tended to spook people. A high-pitched giggle pealed the air and Jensen turned to look. Jared was squeezing crew members left and right and planting kisses on their cheeks telling them he was fine in the most Jared way he could.

Jensen burst out laughing because Jared was Jared and he had this absolutely ridiculous wish that he'd get swept up in those big arms and planted one right in the kisser, too.

Bob broke up the love fest and chastised Jared for risking his back. Jensen kept quiet at this despite the immediately cynical thought that Bob had no problem with Jared risking his back in this huge fucking fight scene they were about to film.

In a flash, Jared stood in front of him and met his eyes. He watched as Jared's smile faded and Sam came into view. "Bro."

"Bro."

"I'm gonna kick your ass."

Jensen shut his eyes a moment and Dean answered. "You can try."

They rehearsed the fight longer and more painstakingly than usual because Jensen refused to have anything go wrong. It didn't take long for them to learn the moves. After throwing punches for so long, each knew where to aim without actually connecting, and they had the corresponding reaction moves perfected.

Bob let them practice for as long as they needed and agreed to the couple small changes Jensen made to ensure Jared didn't over-use his back.

Finally it was time to shoot the pre-fight sequence. They took it from the moment after Ruby had scurried out the door.

"She's poison, Sam"

Sam was fighting for calm. Jensen watched Jared blink a moment before responding. "It's not what you think, Dean."

Except Sam was right. It was so much worse. Dean spit the words through barely controlled heat. "Look what she did to you. I mean, she up and vanishes weeks at a time, leaves you cracking out for another hit—"

More denials, immediate, hot. They can't get out of this. They go in circles. Lilith and revenge and demon blood and his brother was disappearing and he can't stop it, can't get him back.

"Just listen for a second. We got a lead on a demon close to Lilith. Come with us, Dean. We'll do this together."

 _Together_. A word Dean lived for, didn't think he'd ever have again.

"That sounds great. As long as it's you and me. Demon bitch is a deal breaker. You kiss her goodbye, we can go right now." He jumped at this even though he knew what the answer would be.

Yet when the words came, they killed. "I can't."

It's not scripted but Jensen turned, could no longer look at Jared, look at Sam. He ran a hand over his face. He's losing, he knew this, didn't know how to stop it.

"Dean, I _need_ her to help me kill Lilith. I know you can't wrap your head around it, but maybe one day you'll understand. I'm the only one who can do this, Dean."

He spun. Eyes piercing his brother. "No, you're _not_ the one who's gonna do this."

"Right, that's right, I forgot. The angels think it's you."

Jensen felt his checked temper uncork, held it together through gritted teeth and spit out words.

"You don't think I can?"

"No. You can't. You're not strong enough."

His anger rolled off him, "Who the hell are you-?"

Sam continued pleading his insane case, couldn't see the truth, didn't understand … didn't see what this was doing to him. How Dean was losing him.

He begged one last time. "No! You don't know what you're doing, Sam."

"Yes, I do."

Don't say that. _Because_ _it_ _meant_ … "Then that's worse."

"Why? Look, I'm telling you—"

"Because it's not something that you're doing, it's what you are! It means—"

Jensen sucked in air. He didn't know how'd this play no matter how many times they'd rehearsed. Jared's eyes glazed with tears. And Jensen felt his eyes go moist. But Sam wasn't letting it go.

"What? No. Say it …"

Through a closed throat Jensen squeezed Dean's greatest terror out, "It means you're a monster."

"Cut! Fantastic guys. We're going to go a few more to get our angles in, but that was perfect."

Jensen swiped at his eyes, already beat and the day was just starting. He glanced at Jared. Kid looked wiped.

"Hey, c'mon, you still gotta beat the shit out of me."

That earned him an almost smile. "I didn't think I was going to lose it like that."

Jensen nodded. "Me neither, till I saw you."

"They had us both covered, right?"

"Yeah."

"They're gonna use that, aren't they?"

"You afraid you're not going to get there again?"

Jared looked down, then back up. "I don't know. I started angry, but then it …"

"Jay … you'll get there. Those words push all of Sam's buttons." Jared met his gaze but he seemed hesitant, doubting. He stepped closer. "Look at me." Jensen waited until he had Jared's eyes upon him. "I'll get you there. Trust me."

The almost smile was back and this time it almost reached Jared's eyes.

Six takes later Bob declared the sequence done. Jensen stretched his back, feeling like he'd already had the physical fight even though it hadn't started yet.

They resumed their marks to start the fight sequence. Jared turned away after being called 'a monster' and came back with an unexpected punch at Dean that knocked him down.

Jensen got up and fought back hard, hitting Jared in the face twice and then his stomach. Jared flew back as though he'd actually been walloped, and then bent over to make it look like he'd been kneed in the stomach. They continued in a back-and-forth flurry at top speed, interacting so smoothly that the stuntmen couldn't have made it look better. All the while Jensen watched out to be sure Jared was avoiding anything impacting his back.

But this fight wasn't Dean's to win and Jared's Sam was coming back at Dean full steam. Jared put two rapid fists to Jensen's jaw. With the second one Jensen spun away.

"Cut!"

Bob did a total of five takes to cover all the possible angles, each time ending right before Dean's face smashed into a mirror.

Then it was time for a break as the crew replaced the metal room divider with the breakaway one that Dean was going to be thrown through.

"We're running a little behind," Bob summoned Jared and Jensen over. "I'm going to finish the fight sequence with Jensen while you and Andy," he turned to Jared, "start blocking the scene in the junkyard with Bobby."

Jared looked a bit surprised. "You don't need me?"

"We've got the shot of you looking as Dean breaks the mirror, so we just have to shoot the actual hit, and then as far as throwing Jensen through the divider, Lou wants Mike to do the throw. Not that you couldn't throw Jensen anywhere you want, but … your back, you know?"

Jared made a face but acquiesced to Bob's orders.

"Don't break anything I wouldn't break," he teased Jensen as he headed off the set.

"Well, that gives me a lotta leeway," Jensen smirked.

The mirror shot was first, the trickiest part of that positioning the cameras. Jensen flung himself against the transparent screen repeatedly, being careful to hit in virtually the same position for each take.

Then it was time for the throw through the divider, another punishment the Winchester boys had certainly suffered enough times before to make it routine. Jensen turned as if he were rebounding from the mirror, and swung and missed at Mike, who was dressed as Sam. As Jensen's momentum carried him past, Mike seized the back of Jensen's jacket and threw him headfirst through the breakaway divider. Jensen's arms were to be slightly extended to take the brunt of the hit, and then he was to turn his body so he would hit the candy-glass table with his back.

Only something went wrong.

He was moving much too fast and couldn't twist quick enough and flew through the divider head first, which fractured as designed but then the table was beneath him and splintered immediately and the floor sped up at him so fast he barely had time to shut his eyes before it went all black.

**Chapter 3**

Jared was on his way to the catering tent for a much earned lunch when he noticed Sarah walking toward him, head down. She stood in front of him, pale and shaking and behind her Jared saw Bob walking toward him. He glanced around but didn't see Jensen. They must have finished the stunt by now. Maybe he'd stopped at his trailer first. He was famished and was thinking that by the time Jensen came he'd be ready for his second lunch.

"Hey. How'd it go? You guys done trashing the set?"

Bob didn't answer, only stared at Jared and swallowed. Behind him folks were suddenly murmuring _oh_ _my_ _god_ and _when_ _did_ _it_ _happen_ and _is_ _he_ _okay_ and a chill ran through him. "What's wrong?"

"Jared. There was an accident."

 _What_ _the_ _fuck?_ Another accident? Two in three days, just didn't … "What happened?"

"Jensen was doing the divider stunt and well, we don't know, maybe Mike propelled Jensen with too much force, or his foot slipped, or the breakaway was too stiff, but he landed … wrong."

"Wh-at do you mean?" Jared was trying to understand this because it was already sounding beyond …

"He fell face-first through the table onto the ground. He hit his head hard, lost consciousness. We called an ambulance. Phil and Fran went along. I … wanted to come tell you myself."

Jared stopped breathing. His heart slammed and all he could do was reach out and grab the other man's arm for support. "How?"

But his voice wasn't really working and the word came out in a hiss. He had to pull it together. Get to the hospital. He should be in the ambulance with Jensen. He had to move.

"Jared?"

"I'm … Let's go. Now!"

They took off toward Bob's car. The word had spread and the crew was shell shocked. They'd had accidents before but never anything really serious. Production was stopped and everyone stood around unsure of what to do next.

Jared didn't see any of this. All he could do was pray. Because Jensen had to be okay. He wasn't able to contemplate any other scenario.

In the car he asked Bob repeatedly. "He didn't wake up?"

"No."

"You tried?"

"Yes. Fran was there. She said he was unresponsive. There was … blood trickling out of his nose. She called the ambulance immediately. Look, by now I'm sure he's better. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Let's just get there and see what's what."

Head first into the ground, moving too fast.

Jared shook. _Jensen,_ _please._

They raced into emergency. So far the press didn't know. Jared knew that wouldn't last long but welcomed the momentary anonymity.

He scrambled to the desk. "Jensen Ackles, just brought in with a head injury. How is he?"

The nurse looked up, eyes widening. Great. A fan. "Um … please wait here Jar … uh, Mr. Padalecki, and I'll be right back with an update."

They turned to find Fran and Phil. Fran had ridden in the ambulance with Jensen. Jared latched onto her, she was familiar, she understood. He sank into her because he didn't know what else to do.

"Fran … how is he?"

She touched his back softly. "I can't say for certain. Depends how long he stays out. I can't sugar coat it, Jared, he took a hard hit to the front of his head. They won't know the damage until they take scans and … if … when he wakes up."

Jared jumped back. "If? God, Fran. You think-?"

"No. I didn't say that. Let's wait and see."

"I've got to be with him. Fran, please, tell them to let me in."

She turned away and said she'd do her best but that Jensen was probably already in Imaging, as that was always the first order of business with a potential brain injury.

Jared stopped breathing again. _Brain_ _injury_. His legs felt wobbly and he stumbled over to a chair, dropping like a stone. This could not be happening. Accidents made news but they were freakin' rare. That's why they made news because they didn't happen.

The nurse came over. "Mr. Padalecki?"

"Jared. Call me Jared. How is he?"

"They've taken him to Imaging. It could be a little while. If you come with me I can take you to a room where you can wait in private."

Fran spoke up behind him. "Did he regain consciousness?"

The nurse didn't meet any of their eyes. "Not yet as far as I know."

A huge pit formed in Jared's stomach. Fran touched his arm, then turned to Bob. "Have you called Jensen's family?"

Oh god, of course. He needed to call Jen's parents. Talk to Josh and Mac. His friends, Steve and Chris. Eric, but no, probably Bob called Eric. Jared wasn't making any sense. He knew this. He wished Jensen were here to tell him what to do, who to call and that thought made even less sense and Jen hadn't woken up yet … hadn't …

"Jared, I'll take care of phoning folks, why don't you go wait inside with Fran? We'll be here if you need us."

Silently he followed the nurse through the door. They left them in a treatment room. Fran took one of the chairs but he couldn't possibly sit. He paced the space looking absently at the medical paraphernalia lining the cabinet and counter against the wall. There was a sink and a bed in the center and a chair with a television hanging over it, hung from an arm in the wall.

The words burst out of him. "Fran. If he doesn't wake up? What's it mean?"

She looked at him, blue eyes full of concern. "It could mean he'll fall into a coma. That's often the brain's way of coping with trauma. But Jared, we don't know anything. They need to bring in a neurologist to examine Jensen and then … then we'll know more. I know it's hard but you have to be patient."

An orderly burst in. "Mr. Padalecki?" Jared jumped, heart skipping, the man sounded scared. "I need you to please come with me."

Fran jumped up. "What's wrong?"

"Mr. Ackles is awake. Woke up when we were … you really need to come with me."

Jared found his voice, pierced the smaller man with a gaze that left no further room for hedging. "What's wrong?"

"He … he's confused. He's asking … he's asking for Sam."

– – –

Dean Winchester woke up in his grave. Again.

He started thrashing and punching up within his coffin, stunned when hot white light assaulted his face and cold metal bounced off his knuckles. His body was shifted, pulled out from under the metal shroud, and faces peered down at him, holding his shoulders as he struggled.

"Let me up! Where am I?"

"Mr. Ackles. Jensen. Please, relax. You're in Vancouver General Hospital. You were in an accident."

Dean slowed down and looked around frantically. They were right. He did seem to be in some sort of hospital facility. The people holding him were in scrubs. He forced his body to calm itself. Took a deep breath. Tried to think. What had happened? He remembered … _nothing_.

Fear pierced him and he called out for the one person he always called for when nothing made sense. "Where … Where's my brother … Sam?"

The medical folks looked at each other confused. A young black man leaned closer to him and touched his arm gently. "Do you remember your name?"

He answered without thinking, unnerved by the other man's sudden gentleness. "Dean. Can you tell me who brought me here? Was it a tall guy? That's my brother."

"I don't know. Do you think you can let us finish the scans? We'll know a lot more about your condition once they are done, and it's painless and will only take a few minutes." The light pinged off the ceiling and the man's eyes suddenly took on an ominous black glaze.

Dean didn't trust him. Didn't trust any of them. "No! I'm not going back in there and you aren't doing any more tests until I see Sam. Where is he?"

"Jensen, please. Your family isn't here yet, but I'm sure they're on the way. If you just lie back and keep still for a few minutes …"

Dean sat up abruptly and knocked the man's hand away. A wave of dizziness and a blinding stab to his head stopped him and his hand shot up to his forehead. He felt a bandage. What the hell had happened to him?

The technicians pulled back and huddled and he heard one say something about getting Pada-something and that he was in the hospital somewhere. The guy walked back to him but didn't touch him again.

"Okay. I sent someone to bring … Sam. Please, just relax. It'll all be okay."

– – –

Jared leaned on the gurney's rail for support because he feared his legs would give out. The immediate cold blast of relief he felt at seeing Jensen awake was slowly being replaced by a curling tendril of fear. Wide green eyes held his beseechingly. This was no act. There was nothing but naked truth in them. And Jensen was nowhere to be found.

"Sammy. What's … what's going on? What happened?"

Same question. Second time he asked. Each time Jared stared because this couldn't be real.

"Sam, please … What kind of lame name did you give them for me? What the fuck happened?"

"J ... Dean. You have to let them finish the MRI, the testing. You hit your head. That's why … you're confused. Trust the doctors, okay. Let them take care of you. Please."

He held Jensen's hand and watched some of the fear dissipate from his eyes. "Head hurts."

Jared nodded. "I'll bet."

"Did the other guy get it worse?"

Jared recoiled. The other guy. That would be him. "Yeah. Much worse."

He looked up at the technician who was eyeing them curiously. "It's okay now. Finish the tests." He looked back at Jensen. "Be good."

Dean's smirk answered him back.

They wheeled him away and Jared stood stock still in the corridor uncertain of which way was up or down or sideways because in the scheme of things that made no sense today directions were just a drop in the bucket.

He didn't remember being walked back to the waiting area but he must have been because he looked up to multiple sets of curious eyes.

Bob approached first but he waved him away and sank into a chair. They offered coffee, food, he just kept waving them away and shut his eyes. After a few moments they left him alone. Hugging his arms tightly around himself he kept up one silent mental refrain.

 _Jensen._ _Jensen._ _Jensen_.

Jensen had to come back to him, he didn't know how to think about anything else.

– – –

The rest of the day passed as a blur for Jared. Jensen spent a great deal of time in Imaging. First he had an MRI, then a CT and finally a PET scan. Every aspect of his brain was captured. The neurologist had spoken to Jensen's parents over the phone. Jared learned that Mackenzie, Jensen's sister, was trying to fly up immediately but his folks wouldn't be able to catch a flight until tomorrow, and they gave permission for the doctors to speak with Jared about Jensen's condition, for which he was very grateful. He promised to call them with updates.

By dinner time Jensen was settled into a private room. Jared was the only visitor he'd allow. Jensen didn't remember anyone else from the production company. And really, he didn't remember Jared either. Only Sam.

"Hey." Jared tried to keep his voice low. Tried to stay calm. Inside he felt like a hamster was running relays around his intestines.

"Sammy."

Jared winced. "Um. Dean, remember what Doctor Johnson explained. You had an accident. On set. You're an actor. You play Dean Winchester. The injury has you confused. I'm Jared. Jared Padalecki. I play your brother, Sam."

Jensen stared at him, the initial warmth in his eyes icing over. His eyes narrowed as he took Jared in. "You're wearing Sam's clothes."

Jared looked down. Yes, he was still in costume. There hadn't been time to change. Their PA, Sarah, had agreed to go to his house and take the dogs to a kennel. She also agreed to bring him back a change of clothes.

"We were working when I found out. I came straight here."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why would you come straight here? You say you're not 'm brother. Why are you even here?"

"I'm your friend, Jensen. We're … best friends."

Jensen moved his chin in what could have been a nod. Maybe not. Jared knew how to read Dean pretty well. But not all the time. Not like this.

"Doctor explained about the soft tissue damage?"

"Yeah, Sam, I get it. I banged my head. When can I get outta here? Also, where's my stuff?"

"Jen, you can't leave yet. They haven't finished—"

"Fuck. Would you stop calling me by that girl's name!"

"I'm sorry. I … Look, there'll be more testing tomorrow so they can figure out the extent—"

"Of my brain damage. Yeah. So they told me." Jensen got quiet after interrupting. He shifted in the bed, turned back to Jared and studied him as if trying to make up his mind about something. He motioned for Jared to come closer. Jared stood again and leaned over Jensen.

"Sam. Maybe they're listening. We need to find a private place to talk. I'm fine, man, just a bump. A headache. 'S nothing. We can't stay here."

"Who do you think is listening?"

"I don't know. Angels. Demons. All the sons of bitches that are always fucking us over. Sam, this isn't real. You have to know that. 'S like that company, where I wore a suit and drove a fucking Prius. You knew then. Remember? You figured it out first. Trust me on this. We aren't actors in any TV show. Just one of Zachariah's games."

Jared smiled softly. "You drive a pick-up."

Jensen stared at him, eyes wide, his face breaking into a quintessential Dean Winchester smirk. "He's getting closer, I'll grant him that. Maybe this is just tapping our memories. Remember that job on the movie set? Could be where all this TV crap came from."

"Do you? Do you remember actually driving there? Do you remember any moment in which we weren't working the case? The woman on that movie set, the actress you slept with? Do you remember _actually_ sleeping with her? Because that happened off-screen. We never filmed it. And I'm guessing you don't remember it."

Jensen flushed and squinted his eyes, it was obvious he was in pain. He brought his hand to his bandaged forehead. "I remember her. Had brown hair. Nice rack. "S little foggy. 'M head aches is all. And you keep not listening. Sam, we have to get out of here."

"Why? You're safe here. Just rest. I'll take care of everything. Don't worry."

He felt the intensity of Dean's stare again. A dark cloud shimmered in Jensen's eyes. "You using?" He looked around suddenly. "Where is she?"

Jared started. "Where's who?"

"Ruby. Maybe this isn't Zach after all but some sort of witchcraft. Wouldn't be the first time. Didja check for hex bags?"

"There are no hex bags. No such thing as witchcraft. You have to relax. Let the doctors do their job. Help you."

"Screw the doctors! You know what's at stake here. Don't you think I wish this could be true? Forget about it all? Lay here and get sponge baths? What is this, really? Trying to get me out of the way so you and your demon lover can keep practicing that dark shit until there's nothing left of you!"

Jared retreated at this outbreak. He'd forgotten the intensity of Dean's rage. He flashed to the scene they filmed in the episode with the siren. Coming at him with an axe, hands vibrating with … Jared took in Jensen's shaking hands now. Kripke couldn't have penned angry Dean better than this.

Jensen shifted trying to rise. The sudden movement startled Jared who jumped back even further. The attempt to move must have made Jensen dizzy. He clutched his head with a loud moan and sank down again. "Fuckin' _hurts_."

"Need me to call the nurse?" Jared felt alarm at the groan Jensen had let out. Instinctively, he moved back and put his hand on Jensen's arm.

Jensen kept his eyes shut and breathed in sharply, working through the pain. Finally, he looked back at Jared, eyes pinning him. "Who are you?"

"I already told you—"

"Right. Jared. Except you look like my goddamn brother." Jensen turned his head quickly, let out another grimace. "But you're not. Maybe you never were."

"Jen … "

"Stop fucking calling me that!" The loud, guttural yell stung like slap to the face. "If you're not my brother, then you're _nothing_ to me." Jensen flattened after this, pain and tiredness and things unnamed passing over his pale face. Blank eyes met Jared's and held him captive. "Just go. I don't need you." Jensen's last words were a harsh whisper.

It was better when he was yelling.

Jared left.

Took a long time for Jared to stop shaking. Bob and Phil and Fran stayed with him. Sarah returned with his own clothes and he changed silently in the restroom. He knew he must have spoken some but each time he did his voice felt odd, like it wasn't really his.

Visiting hours ended and the staff tried to get Jared to leave and return in the morning. Jensen didn't want to see him anyway. He didn't leave and didn't say anything and paced the small visitor's lounge that wasn't more than a nook at the end of the hallway. Distantly, he heard voices talking about him. He saw Bob speaking authoritatively to an attending physician and some nurses. They gave him space after that. Eventually, he heard a nurse say Jensen was asleep.

He passed them all without seeing and entered Jensen's room.

Jensen's face was calm in sleep but Jared could tell he was still in some pain by the slight tension in his jaw. Walking very slowly so as not to wake him Jared sat on the chair near the bed. Wasn't good enough. Very carefully, he pulled the chair closer and took a deep breath. It didn't smell like Jensen. Too antiseptic. He fought back tears. He'd wanted just that. Just a little whiff of that vanilla and almond body wash … Breathing deeply he pulled himself together.

This wouldn't do. If Jensen woke up Jared wanted to be strong. Wanted to show he could be counted on. The only sounds were the monitors and the distant cars outside. He leaned forward, elbow on his knees and just looked. Those ridiculous lashes stood in relief to the pale skin visible in the ghostly dim light. He remembered being Sam staring at his brother this way after Dean'd been nearly electrocuted. He remembered thinking how incredible Jensen was to have made Dean so vulnerable without saying a word. He'd looked so young in that scene.

He looked like a little boy now.

– – –

The neuropsychologist was a slight woman with tremendous brown eyes, long wavy hair, chocolate milk skin and a smile that lit up her face. Jared took her in quickly, warmed by the smile and impressed by the degrees decorating her walls, but really all he wanted was to hear her calm voice saying everything would be alright.

"I'm Doctor Rachel Anders, Mr. and Mrs. Ackles, Mr. Padalecki."

He looked over at Alan and Donna. This wasn't quite the way he'd imagined Jensen's folks would learn about his relationship with their son but he thanked god for their immediate acceptance because they'd been a rock around him. Donna had hugged him extra tight and said _whatever_ _you_ _need_ , which was incredible when it was her son who … who …

"Call me Jared."

Everyone agreed quickly to first names and Jared leaned forward in his seat and willed this woman to please tell him when Jensen would be okay again.

"I understand you've already consulted with Jensen's neurologist and his team?"

Yes. After two days of endless tests, the conclusions were the same. Jensen had suffered a mild traumatic brain injury, MTBI in doctor-speak. There was some soft tissue damage. But he was deemed highly functional, all things considered, and the brain was remarkably good at self repair. All told the doctors sounded optimistic.

But Jensen's personality change into Dean hadn't changed and that's when Doctor Anders, a neuropsychologist, was called in.

"You understand that your son's trauma centered in his frontal lobe. That part of the brain controls personality, certain cognitive functions, emotional behavior, problem solving, language. Given this, Jensen is doing remarkably well. His cognitive functioning scale is high and his total disability score is low, which in this case, is good."

Alan interrupted. "But Doctor, he doesn't even know who he is."

Doctor Anders leaned forward. "I know. There has been a personality change and memory problems but again, this is not unusual with this kind of injury."

Jared blinked. "I don't – you can't mean that he's going to stay … I mean, Jensen will come back, will be Jensen again, won't he?"

She nodded sympathetically. "This aspect of his personality change is unique to this situation and the very unusual circumstances of the accident itself. Already we've seen progress on this front in that he's stopped dismissing the idea that Alan and Donna could be his parents. But it will take time. We know so much and still so little about the brain. It's the most complex computer ever conceived. And it's rerouting itself right now in your friend's head faster than any man-made processor ever made.

"We'll be keeping him here for a couple more days for observation but with his test scores he's highly functional so he'll be able to go home. Then we'll work with him on an outpatient basis in a series of cognitive and psychotherapies that should help him with the memory loss as well as the personality issues. But it will take time."

"How long?" Alan asked.

"I can't say for certain. The sessions may extend for months, depends on how he improves. Most of the progress should be made early. But there are no hard rules with cases like this, and you need to prepare yourselves. It could take years. And some memory loss and changes to his personality may be permanent."

Jared couldn't look at Alan or Donna. Kept his eyes glued to the doctor. "But it's possible, it's possible he can come back. That he can be Jensen again." He could not give this up. He couldn't lose him, not like this, not now. God, not ever.

"Jared. You aren't looking at this correctly. He _is_ Jensen. This is who Jensen is right now." She looked at them sadly, then her professional manner returned. "Often such injuries are hardest on the family and loved ones. Change is difficult to accept. I'm going to give you the name of a specialist you can speak with. It would be helpful, for all of you, to seek counseling in coping with this."

Jared sank back in the seat feeling numb. He loved Jensen. There was no question about this in his mind. But did he love the man upstairs in that bed right now? The one that saw his demon-blood drinking brother whenever he looked at him? The one whose eyes could go colder than a void and whose anger could erupt in unchecked violence?

And what did it even mean to be in love if it wasn't unconditional?

– – –

Dean … _Jensen_ … fought back tears as the woman continued to barrage him with questions and tests and endless loops of meaningless exercises. He could count. He could tell time. He knew backward from forward. Left from right. Big from small.

And he didn't exist.

"Your cognitive tests are all very promising. You're very lucky, the damage is very limited."

"Right."

Doctor Anders touched his forearm gently. "It's natural to feel frustrated with the memory loss but there's a good chance it will come back in time. Older memories first. And we'll continue to work on your short-term memory issues." She paused and glanced toward the door and then back. "Your family is outside. They wish to see you."

"Sam?" he uttered before remembering. No. Sam wasn't his brother. And that was something he didn't think he'd ever be able to 'forget.'

"Jared," the doctor corrected. "Jared Padalecki, your costar. Your friend. He plays your brother on the TV show. We spoke about this, remember?"

Yeah. They spoke about a lot of things. None of it made a lick of sense. And he still wasn't totally convinced this wasn't one of Zach's crazy stunts, some alternate reality, a surprise-your-life-is-a-TV-show lesson.

Except what was he supposed to learn?

That he was some hack actor in a TV horror show who seemingly was accident-prone enough to land himself in the hospital?

"Can I tell your parents they can visit?"

He turned his attention back to the doctor. His parents?

His parents were dead. John and Mary. _Except_ _Alan_ _and_ _Donna_ _…_

"No." At her obvious disappointment he added, "Maybe later, okay?"

– – –

"Jared is here to see you. Would you like him to come in?"

The nurse's smiling voice interrupted the increasingly frustrating circular loop Dean was caught in. They told him his name was Jensen Ackles. An actor. That Dean Winchester was only a name someone made up. That nothing he knew was real. Except … if it were real, if these facts, ideas, floating around his head were true then they were all in danger and not believing could be deadly. But how crazy was it to believe in monsters when someone just offered him parents and … a life. And Jared. Who was there every time he woke up. Seemed to never leave. Seemed to really care. Just like Sam.

But if … if there was no Sam, if this was only an actor pretending, then why would he care so much? And dammit why did he still want to see Sam … _Jared_ … "Let him come in." The nurse smiled harder. "But only him," he tacked on. She walked out and several minutes later Sam walked in. Jared. There was no way he was getting used to that other name.

"Hey." Sam came over and sank into the chair near his bed. "How you doing, Jen?"

Dean bristled. There was that damn girl's name again. What kind of supposed parents did he have anyway? "Look." His eyes met those of his brother's who were softer than he ever remembered seeing them. "Let's try making a deal, okay? I won't call you Sam and you don't call me by that girl's name? Okay?"

Jared stared at him sadly. When his _brother?_ looked this way it was easier to believe they weren't related. John Winchester could never have raised such an emo bitch. "Sure. I'm sorry. Won't happen again."

But then the man's eyes shifted, hardened, and for a moment Dean saw a flash of Sam and a surge went through him at the recognition. Maybe this wasn't real. Maybe he'd been right about Zach. Maybe Sam knew the truth.

"Sammy … I mean, I mean Jared … is it … couldn't … what if I'm right? What if this is some set-up by the angels like I told you about? Your memory might have been altered. You might have forgotten me."

He hated the nakedness of his plea but if he couldn't trust Sam, then who could he trust?

Jared returned. Eyes so sad they threatened to bring tears to Dean's eyes. If, of course, he was a wuss like this guy was. And he most certainly was not.

"Jensen. We spoke about this. Zachariah is a character on the TV show we are on. Just like Sam and Dean."

"But that could be part of the illusion. Don't you see Sam, this could be a way to distract us. Keep us busy until they need us and then we'll suddenly be plucked out of … this … whatever it is and we won't know what hit us."

Sam didn't reply. Just shook his head like Dean was some sort of idiot child and turned behind him to reach inside a duffel. He held out a document. "Here."

Dean eyed it suspiciously. "What's this?" He took it from … Jared. It was a script. It was titled " _Supernatural_ _Pilot_ " and as he started looking inside his stomach turned. It was them. Him and Sam and the Impala and Stanford and the fire. And every damn word he remembered saying. Exactly as he remembered saying them.

Jared leaned in and touched his arm. "Jen—Jensen." The grip got tighter then loosened and he started rubbing gently, up and down. Dean raised his head from the page and looked pointedly at where the guy was freaking caressing him. Their eyes met and Jared's cheeks reddened.

Dean's disgust rose so fast he almost gagged. "No. No fucking way."

"Jensen … what?" His _not-his-brother_ removed his hand. "I'm sorry."

"Get the hell away from me! This is a nightmare I tell you, a fucking nightmare and I wish somebody would come wake me the hell up."

Jared sprang up like a charge had been set off under his seat, his eyes wet, clearly unable to speak. He ran out without saying another word, leaving the script and his bag behind.

A minute flash of something flickered through Dean at causing that much pain but it faded under the enormity of what preceded it. They were … together. There was no other way to describe what he'd seen, the _want_ in … his brother's eyes. Waves of nausea roiled his stomach.

He looked down at the pages in his hands and tossed them violently across the room. They crashed into the table holding flower arrangements supposedly sent by the cast and crew of the _TV_ _show_. He turned onto his side and curled his hand under his face, swallowing hard.

He didn't have Sammy.

He didn't have himself.

All that was left were pointless tears.

– – –

"Hey man, it's only been a few days. You heard the doctor, gotta have patience with him. Jenny needs you. Gotta hold it together."

Chris meant well. Jared knew this, but for Chris' sake he hoped he never called Dean by that very girly name. Not if he valued his good-looking face. Jared fought back an inappropriate laugh and paced the corridor again.

"I know. And he's made some progress. Donna said he didn't kick her out earlier and looked at her like maybe he was remembering …" Jared stopped. Donna and Samantha looked a little alike. Who the hell knew what Jensen was remembering. Only thing he knew for sure was that Jensen had no interest in remembering him. He shuddered.

It would take a long time before he'd get that look of sheer disgust on his lover's face out of his mind.

Steve interrupted them. He'd just come out of Jensen's room. His eyes met Jared's. "He asked for you."

Jared started. "What?"

"Asked if you were out here. I said yeah. That you never left. And he said to ask you if you'd mind coming in."

"If I'd mind?"

"Seemed hesitant. You two fight?"

"What? No. It's just … no. I'll … "

Chris interrupted. "Go. We'll be here."

The sincerely spoken words warmed Jared. Jensen's friends were loyal and supportive and Jared was so grateful for their quiet understanding.

Jared hadn't been in to see Jensen since being thrown out of his room yesterday.

Well, he'd snuck in last night and watched him sleep just as he had every night but that wasn't the same.

He'd stood over the bed, fist in his mouth to stop any potential sound and cried like he hadn't since he was a small child. When it got to be too much he rushed into the room's small bathroom and shut the door and let loose with hacking sobs that for a moment he feared would cross even the closed door. And part of him wanted Jensen to hear him, wanted him to come to him, wanted it so bad he shook with the need.

The truth was that he'd held out hope that after all the tests were done that the new doctor, Doctor Anders, would tell him there was a light at the end of the tunnel. That eventually he'd get his Jensen back. That he wouldn't have to look into those wary eyes much longer.

But she'd dashed those hopes as effectively as sand on a flame.

 _That_ is _Jensen_.

Who wanted to see him.

Steeling himself he went inside.

Jensen's color looked better and the bandage was off, revealing a healing stripe beneath. It reminded Jared of the makeup for the season two premier and he had to shake off the surrealism. Jensen looked up as Jared entered and his eyes stayed steady and unfathomable. Jared swallowed and approached the bed.

"I … uh … wanted to give you back this." Jared looked down to see the script in Jensen's hands.

" 'S okay. I don't …" At the unwavering gaze he relented and took it, tossing it back into the duffel that still rested on the chair. "Thanks." Into the awkward silence he added. "You look better. Headache gone?"

Jensen gave this tight nod. It was so characteristically Dean that it made his heart clench and drew out Sam despite himself.

Jensen flinched. "Dammit, don't do that. It … it spooks me out."

He wasn't completely sure what Jensen meant but he took a step back and apologized anyway. It was all he did it seemed, apologize. He tried to distract Jensen from his bad mood. Doctor Anders said moodiness was part of the injury. Brain injury. Still two words he couldn't quite wrap his head around.

"I met Doctor Anders yesterday. She seemed very … nice."

"Yeah. She's okay. Look, I wanted to talk to you about something."

Jared looked him in the eye, knowing his own must be showing all kinds of fear but unable to help it. "Yeah?"

"They said they're going to spring me loose. I can continue therapy outpatient."

He couldn't help but smile weakly at this. "That's good, isn't it?"

Jensen smiled back. Dean's grin. Lips barely turning up, eyes twinkling but not necessarily with humor. "Yeah. Anything's better than hospital food. The thing is. The doctors want me to stay in Vancouver. With the brain thing … shouldn't fly. I don't … Where will I go?"

Jared stared at him.

Home. He'd go home. With him. He'd never imagined anything else. That's when he realized how much he'd been fooling himself. How somewhere deep in his mind he thought that if they were together, that Jensen would see him again. Remember. That he'd come back.

He had to come back.

"You'll come home with me." His voice wasn't Sam's but the power behind the words carried the same kind of strength.

Jensen turned away, faced the window. "They told me you have dogs."

"Is that a problem?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I like dogs."

Jared let out the breath he'd been holding. He looked up to see green eyes upon him again. They were softer than he'd seen them since Jensen first woke up. He fought the automatic speeding of his heart.

Jensen carefully voiced the next question. "Do I … have my own room?"

"Absolutely."

"Then … I think, I'd like to go with you. If it's okay …?"

"Yes." Jared smiled, dimples and all, his first smile since this nightmare began. "It's definitely okay."

– – –

They set Sunday for Jensen's release date. Late Saturday afternoon they held a press conference.

It was a zoo.

Thank goodness Jared's parents had arrived the day before to help ground him. Sinking into his mom's hug was about the best thing to happen to him in days. They weren't particularly surprised at the change in his relationship to Jensen. Funny how nobody seemed surprised by it. He must have been wearing his heart on his sleeve even more than he'd realized.

And of course his mother had insisted Jared talk with his brother, Jeff. She'd been linking the words 'your brother' with 'the doctor' for so long that it was odd when she didn't say it. The memory made him chuckle. But even though Jeff wasn't a neurologist, the hour they'd spent on the phone had helped. Jeff had explained about the frontal lobe and the functions it controlled and how the neurons in Jensen's brain were weaving new pathways to relearn how to do things. Jeff spoke about how incredibly self-sufficient the human brain was. He'd taken the time to have a courtesy professional discussion with Jensen's lead neurologist and came back to report that the prognosis was good and he'd sounded honestly optimistic and this boosted Jared's spirits at least for the length of the call.

But when silence filled his mind again, the terror returned.

So while all this helped some, he was in no mood for a fucking press conference. The vultures had been camped at the hospital entrance for days and pretty much were holding some sort of death vigil for Jensen and he'd heard all kinds of crazy things ranging from Jensen being permanently disfigured from falling on glass shards to his being in a vegetative state and that there were lawsuits pending about pulling the plug.

So despite ongoing pleas from Eric, who just wasn't letting this go, Jared patently refused to participate. Frankly, he was out of patience, had hardly slept since the day of the accident, felt like he was holding on by a tiny thread and the last thing he needed were people yelling questions at him. It's not like Jensen's health was anyone else's business.

Eric continued to cajole by saying all he had to do was tell the truth. "You can make a quick appearance. Maybe say you spoke to Jensen and he's doing well and then head back in. Five minutes Jared – please."

The truth? What was it anyway? Jensen was stuck in his brain damaged mind as an imaginary character. They were lovers for all of three days. Jared's life was fucking falling to pieces.

Which truth was going to make E! News this evening?

Lowering his voice to Sam-depth he threatened, "Eric, you can take your damn press conference and shove it up your—"

His mother dashed over and pulled him in for a hug. "Honey? When was the last time you ate?"

Eric took a step back and mumbled something about handling it without Jared before scurrying away.

Jared ran his hand through his hair. "I should'na done that, Mom."

Sherri laughed gently. "No. But Eric understood, I'm sure. You haven't left here. You've barely slept, you're not eating. Jensen wouldn't want this for you. What would he tell you?"

Jared chuckled. "To stop being all Hollywoody and go home and take a shower and come back when I was a person again."

"Did you set up the appointment with the counselor Doctor Anders recommended?"

"Not yet."

"JT …"

"I know … I will. Mom, what if … what if he never knows me again?"

"He will honey. He wanted to come home with you. You have to believe that means something."

"He told me he likes dogs."

She smiled. "See?"

"Dean likes dogs, too."

Sherri stepped back so she could look and meet her son's eyes. "There is no Dean. JT, you have to listen to Doctor Anders. It's all Jensen. Don't forget that. Remember what Jeff explained earlier. The brain trauma is causing different aspects of his personality to manifest while the tissue is healing and neurons are rerouting. Be patient. In time he'll be back to the sweet man you love, you'll see."

He wanted to believe her. Needed to believe. Because he wasn't in love with Dean Winchester.

Hell, he didn't even like Dean Winchester all that much.

**Chapter 4**

Five days after the accident Jensen stepped into the house he shared with Jared.

Jared stared, waiting, hoping for some sign of recognition. There were parts of Jensen all over the house. His friends and family photos on the bookshelves, his games and DVDs stacked in piles by the TV, his guitar cases against the wall, his health conscious foods in the kitchen.

Jensen stepped in and looked around and went, "Huh."

His reaction was all Dean.

Sighing, Jared took the duffel of Jensen's stuff that the show had brought over to the hospital and deposited it on Jensen's bed. The sight of the neatly made bed stopped him cold. He had arranged for their housekeeper, Paula, to come early this morning to clean up.

Still. It hurt.

Last night was the first time he'd come back home since the accident. Other nights he'd made do finding somewhere to crash in the hospital.

They'd been good to him. They gave him access to the doctor's lounge or let him have an empty bed. Jensen's room was necessarily private so mostly he'd slept on and off in there on the chair near his bed. Jensen slept soundly. He never stirred as Jared watched overnight. If Jensen woke and saw Jared sleeping he never mentioned it.

Last night, bombarded by the persistent urging of his parents and Jensen's parents and siblings, he'd come home. The silence upon entering was nearly overwhelming. Sadie and Harley were still in the kennel. Sarah had agreed to pick them up and bring them home tomorrow afternoon. After he had settled Jensen in.

Home. This empty shell, without his kids. Without Jensen. It was where he'd sleep, but it wasn't home.

First thing he did was shower because those quick showers he'd taken in the hospital had cleansed him but not soothed. He let the hot water slough off of his tired muscles and forced himself to relax. To feel normal. He'd forgotten what that felt like.

Feeling more human than in days, he went to climb into bed but then stopped. Knew he wouldn't sleep there. Instead, he walked back downstairs and stood in the doorway of Jensen's room for what seemed like hours.

The bed was still mussed. Paula had not yet come. He slid between the sheets and buried himself in their combined scents.

Thinking back a lifetime ago to that harness incident now – he couldn't even call it an accident – he wished, god, he didn't know what. He remembered crashing on Jensen's bed after taking the painkillers. There'd been that damn haunting dream that he couldn't remember yet its uneasiness lingered. He remembered his back aching when he moved.

And then Jensen was there.

Snuggling up into him had felt so good. Warm and strong and caring. That was the thing about Jensen, he was clueless about how giving he was. Never recognized it in himself. And this made Jared wonder if maybe it was unique to when they were together. Certainly he knew that personally he was different with Jensen than with anyone else. It would go to reason that the same would be true in reverse.

Reminded him of the list – all those things Jensen said he wasn't into, didn't do. Jared had watched them crumble one by one by themselves. At first he hadn't even noticed. But after a bit it clicked and he'd smiled inside feeling a bit heady at the power they had over each other. Because it definitely went both ways.

Jared was a virgin before Jensen.

Well, a virgin in terms of sex with a man. Yeah, he had fooled around with men before. A few clumsy hand jobs. He'd been on the receiving end of a drunken blow job. And even after things became physical with Jensen, he still thought he'd be staying that way for a while. Truth was, he was scared. Admitted as much, because it was Jensen and, hell, he'd admitted worse.

Jen'd kissed him and spoke into his lips, "You don't have to do anything you don't want to."

He was scared because disappointing Jensen was the worst thing he could imagine.

But everything he did seemed to please.

And everything Jensen did drove Jared absolutely crazy.

But probably nothing more so than Jensen's mouth. Talk about gifted. The first time those full lips had wrapped around his dick Jared felt like he jumped up ten feet, a charge ran through him and it was a good thing he'd already been laying down because he definitely would have fallen. The sensations were too fucking good and he came so quick he barely had time to say anything and Jensen had pulled away a bit surprised. He'd chuckled messily and studied him with an inscrutable expression and finally said, "Liked that?"

To which Jared had laughed so hard it came out somewhere between a whoop and a bark.

That's when Jensen mentioned the not swallowing and Jared flushed and promised to let him know next time and the embarrassed moment passed.

Later that Friday evening when they'd woken up pressed against each other, hard and hungry all over again, he'd sat on the edge of the bed and watched as Jensen kneeled in front of him and took him deep in his mouth. He drowned in the searing image of Jensen with his lips moving up and down over his cock and his hand pumping him and tongue flashing out every now and then to lick his length and then his thumb pushed the moisture up and over the head and Jared threw his head back and sounds he never knew he could make burst from his lips.

Less desperately new, it lasted longer this time and each thrust brought him deeper into Jensen's mouth, he worried for a fleeting second about choking him but Jensen kept his hand on him and he could tell he was controlling how deep he went. Except he was going deeper and sucking harder and the hot, wet pressure was making his balls ache and he knew he was really fucking close as he shoved his hands into Jensen's hair and held him as ecstasy overwhelmed him.

When he was there, when he felt his orgasm flush through him and he was about to spill out in hot, exquisite spurts, he cried out, said _now_ , expected Jensen to back off, but he didn't. Instead he clamped on tighter and never pulled back and sucked him dry, lips and throat and hands working in tandem until Jared felt light headed and fell back on the bed in a breathless heap.

Jensen climbed back onto the bed and Jared pulled his head down and kissed him deeply, tasting himself on his lover's tongue, feeling possessive and possessed and so loved his eyes actually welled. He blinked to hide it because he didn't want Jensen accusing him of being a girl but, god, he loved this man.

"Is this my room?"

Jared jumped, startled out of his memory, hand moving quickly up to swipe at his eyes before turning around. "Yes. This is your room. Settle in. I'll just … get out of your way."

– – –

Doctor Anders recommended limiting visitors to small groups. So first up were Jensen's parents and younger sister Mackenzie, who showed up about a half hour after Jared had settled Jensen in. They were going to stay through lunch. After lunch, Jensen's brother, Josh, was stopping over. Misha said he'd come over and bring dinner.

Jared knew how much Jensen's family loved Jensen. They were all worried. He understood this better than anyone. Still, the constant parade was draining. Jensen was quiet, mostly. Like Dean in a pensive mood. He looked at Donna with this sad mixture of longing and apprehension and Jared wondered who he was seeing … his mother or the television mother he thought he'd lost.

He seemed to accept his name. Didn't flinch anymore even when his little sister slipped and called him 'Jen.' He'd warmed up to her quickly. Jared wondered about this and hoped it was true memory and not just Dean's innate connection with kids. Jensen had created that character trait. Nobody wrote it into any episode specifically. The third episode they shot featured a boy traumatized by having watched his father get killed. Jensen played those scenes with such sensitivity that he brought Dean's nurturing side to life. When they'd talked about it he said it went to reason given that Dean'd practically raised Sam.

Amy Acker, who'd played the boy's mom, had told Jared she loved watching Jensen's scenes with her 'son'. Said she didn't have to act at all when she was supposed to be reacting to those moments. Said it was just real.

He knew how that felt. He'd had moments like that on set himself. He was different enough from Sam that mostly he was in character but there were snippets of himself bleeding through when Jensen looked at him with his eyes open and naked and vulnerable. Wasn't often Dean showed that side of himself. The scripts didn't call for it much. But when it did, Jensen sold it so completely that the tears he'd draw from Sam blended with Jared's own.

As the afternoon progressed it had been almost possible to forget that Jensen wasn't Jensen. He'd smiled appropriately and remembered an incident or two from his actual childhood and his face lit when he realized this and for a split second Jared saw Jensen again and his heart expanded.

Sarah dropped off the dogs and Sadie immediately ran to Jensen and his eyes glowed like sunshine on grass as he quickly bent down to pet her. Even Harley nudged in to get Jensen's attention and Jared knew he was grinning like an idiot but couldn't help himself because for that minute his family was together.

But it was mercurial, fleeting, because Dean was very much still in control.

They'd been drinking beers. Not Jensen, who was still restricted from alcoholic beverages. Jared was reaching down into the refrigerator to grab another one when Jensen suddenly surprised him by speaking behind him.

"C'mon, nobody has to know. Grab me one, too."

He put back the one he'd been about to take for himself and turned around slowly, empty handed. "I can't. You heard the doctor's orders. It doesn't mix well with the medications you are on. C'mon, I'll get you a soft drink. Diet Coke?"

Jensen exploded. "Fuck that gay shit! One fucking beer isn't going to make a difference." Body uncoiling like a snake, he suddenly shoved Jared back hard against the counter's edge. It hit the sore spot on his back and the pain ripped a yelp out of him.

That caught Jensen's attention and he stopped, eyes narrowing. "What's wrong with your back?"

It was pure fourth-season Dean to Sam - sudden concern, edged with distrust and wariness.

He answered as Sam. " 'S nothin'." Keeping his voice low and hard, he continued. "You can't drink. I can't let you."

Jensen's shoulders tightened. Jared could read the _how_ _do_ _you_ _plan_ _to_ _stop_ _me?_ in his stone cold eyes. Jared didn't flinch. Held his gaze until finally Jensen stomped away with a mumbled _fuck_ _you_.

Alone again in the kitchen Jared held the counter for support as the adrenaline fled.

– – –

Seeing Misha's smiling face relieved Jared in a way he hadn't known he'd been craving. The man was funny and warm and knew _them_. Just seeing him in his doorway helped ground Jared and he realized how disconnected from reality he'd been feeling. How he wasn't even sure of his _own_ identity any longer. How he missed smiling with someone.

Misha dropped the takeout bags he'd been carrying on the table by the door and immediately wrapped Jared up in a tight hug. He had to lean down, given how much shorter Misha was but it felt so good to feel a friend's arms around him again.

Upon entering they spotted Jensen on the couch idly petting Sadie. When Jensen saw Misha he stood and his brows rose puzzled.

"Cas?"

Misha turned immediately to Jared, blue eyes huge in his face. He'd known, of course, but seeing it was something else entirely. Jared squeezed the smaller man's shoulder and looked back to Jensen.

"No, Jensen. This is Misha. Misha Collins. He plays Castiel on the show. He's an actor, like we are."

Dean smirked at them, eyes twinkling. "You have a funny-ass name in every reality."

Misha laughed then, high and squeaky and it was contagious and soon all three were giggling.

Jensen's nose twitched. "Tell me that's Chinese in those bags?"

All three of them tackled opening the multiple boxes and plopping plates on the table.

Jared handed over the container with mushroom chicken as soon as Jensen had scooped a mound of rice on his plate.

"This has mushrooms, dude!"

"Yeah, it's your favorite."

"I hate mushrooms!"

Jared looked at Jensen, confused. Then he recalled a scene from one of the early episodes that had been filmed but the footage not used, when Dean was pissed at Sam for getting mushrooms on their pizza.

"You're remembering something from filming, something Dean said."

Jensen kept arguing, toying with the food on his plate with a scowl, until abruptly he got a far away look.

"But … I didn't really eat."

"What?" both Jared and Misha uttered at the same time.

Jensen caught Jared's eyes, stayed locked on him. "I remember getting served … only it wasn't a real diner, it was just some counters in this large space with … lights and people … and I'd take a few bites but I wasn't really eating. I mean, yeah, I was chewing and swallowing but not … not _really_."

He shook his head and stared at his friends across the table . "Was that … was that a memory from the set?"

Jared smiled. "Yes. It was."

"Huh." Jensen looked pensive a moment longer and then dug into his food. "Hey." He smiled bright. "Mushrooms are great."

Misha beamed at Jared and he felt the first true glimmer of hope since this all started.

– – –

The next morning Alan and Donna stayed at the house when Jared went for his first appointment with the counselor Doctor Anders had recommended. In the afternoon Jared would go along in the car when Jensen went for his cognitive retraining and psychotherapy with Doctor Anders. She'd scheduled Jensen with attention process exercises which targeted specific circuits in the brain. This type of treatment helped restore cognitive functions including executive functions, information processing, and memory. Jared had glommed onto that last word like it was a life raft.

"Will it help him remember who he is?" _Who_ _I_ _am_.

"We hope so. It's all in there, we just need to help his brain be able to process it all again."

The show was providing transportation for all these medical outings and Jared slipped out in front of the nondescript white building telling the driver he'd meet him back here in one hour. The counselor's office was on the fifth floor and he rode the empty elevator up feeling jittery and nervous. He'd never gone to a therapist before. Never really had a reason. He'd always been a happy person.

Sure he'd had down times and bad things happened to him and heartbreak and disappointment but he'd always valued his inner strength and his friends and his family and never needed anything else.

And for the last four years he'd also had Jensen.

The loss of this washed over him and he grabbed the door handle and walked inside knowing for the first time that, yeah, he really needed to talk to someone.

The therapist was a sweet woman in her early fifties with shoulder-length platinum blonde hair and gentle blue eyes. She said to call her Kate and shook his hand warmly. He towered over her, had to scoop down to reach her. She couldn't have been much more than five feet tall.

He sat on her sofa, she took a chair opposite him. The proverbial shrink's couch, he thought with an inner smirk. "I've never done this before."

She smiled at him. "Sat on a couch?"

He couldn't help but laugh and instantly felt better. He tried to explain why he was there even though he knew she already knew. "My friend … my co-star … Jensen … was in an accident. He injured his brain."

"I know. I'm very sorry."

"Yeah. It … they're rare … accidents on set. I mean, they happen … but not … " Jared paused and met her eyes. "What do you already know?"

"That you and Jensen Ackles work together on the show _Supernatural_ – never saw it, sorry – and that unfortunately there was an accident and Jensen struck his head, sustained damage to his frontal lobe and has experienced a significant personality shift."

Jared processed. She knew more than had been publicly released. He supposed Doctor Anders had supplied the information. "Do you know that he and I …?"

"Doctor Anders only told me that you and Jensen live together. The nature of your relationship was not discussed."

He nodded. There was no point in lying to this woman. It would be like lying to himself. "I … love him."

She nodded. "That must make this quite hard for you."

A most uncharacteristic cynical chuckle burst out of him. Surely she wasn't intending any kind of double entendre but really, she didn't know the half of it.

"He thinks he's Dean Winchester."

She looked at him puzzled. Right. She didn't know the show. His face twisted into a Sam-like smirk. "That's the character he plays on the show. He knows now, I guess, that he's not really Dean. And that I'm not Sam." Before she could ask he added. "His brother on the show. We play brothers in this co-dependent, dysfunctional relationship. Our mom died burning on the ceiling when I was an infant and Dean was four and our father raised us like warriors and now we chase demons and start the apocalypse and … I sound totally insane, don't I?"

Kate narrowed her eyes. "I'll rent the show."

He burst out laughing again.

– – –

"Jensen, sounds like quite a bit of your memory is coming back. How's that making you feel?"

He kept his eyes on Doctor Ander's beige carpeting. " 'S okay. I guess. Different than the other memories."

"You mean your memories of Dean?"

"Yeah. Those are … like facts I remember. I _know_ them. But I only feel some of them."

"Which ones do you feel?"

That was easy. And he knew she already knew the answer, just needed him to say it. Again. "Sam."

"Do you still miss him?"

He squirmed. He hated this. He hated her. "I see him every damn day."

"But that's Jared. Not Sam."

"Yeah." He knew that in spades. _Jared,_ _who_ _laughs_ _too_ _damn_ _much_ _and_ _looks_ _at_ _him_ _like_ _…_

"How does he look at you?"

Jensen jerked up at this, hadn't realized he'd said that aloud. "Like … look, I _know_ okay. You can all stop pretending because I'm not stupid. I guess we had some sort of … gay thing going on."

She stared at him mouth moving as if she was about to say something. He interrupted before she could. "If you ask me how I fucking feel about that I'm walking out."

She smiled. "I wasn't going to ask you that. I can't imagine you could begin to know yet how you feel about that. I was going to ask if you and he had discussed it. Does he know, for instance, that you know about the nature of your relationship?"

"We haven't had a heart to heart if that's what you mean." Shit, that's the last thing he fucking needed. "But he knows. Everyone knows. Not only does it turn out I'm gay, I'm also apparently out. Well, to my family at least."

"Would you be more comfortable if they didn't know?"

He smirked at her. "I'd be more comfortable fucking girls. But I guess I'm not getting what I want these days."

She said nothing and met his hard stare beat for beat. Finally, he broke off first. Asked what was on his mind. "Can something like what happened to me. The brain injury. Can it turn someone from gay to straight?"

"It's normal that you may experience changes to your sexual drive. Your libido might feel subdued for a time. Or you could experience bouts of heightened sensitivity and arousal. We talked about this before. The only history I have is from your parents. They said that you dated both girls and boys in the past. So perhaps you are bi-sexual and can enjoy sex with women as well as men. Not having interviewed you before the accident I have no way to know what's true or not. But, Jensen, it's not like you have to decide this right away. Labels are meaningless. As you rediscover more of yourself you'll know what feels right."

– – –

Later that day, they said goodbye to Donna and Alan. _Mom_ _and_ _Dad_ – Jensen had to admit that having a mom and dad felt pretty good – and he stood alone with Jared for the first time in what felt like ages. He thought it might be awkward but it was okay. He didn't see Sam much anymore behind those hazel eyes. Just a glimpse here and there. Mostly when the tall guy got mad. He knew, at first, he'd been provoking it just to see it but had stopped doing that. The flicker of pain that followed wasn't worth it.

"So," he said into the silence.

"Yeah. Busy day. How's it going with Doctor Anders?"

"Okay. She's cool. How was your shrink?"

"Kate, her name's Kate and I … liked her."

Jensen wondered whether they talked about him and that made him so uncomfortable he thought it best to drop the whole thing.

He looked up at Jared instead, eyes moving up his body. Was as tall as … Sam. "You play hoops? Height like that, figure you'd be good."

Jared smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. "Some. I'm okay. You're the athletic one."

Jensen remembered the conversation with Alan _Dad_ and Josh _older_ _brother_ about all the sports he'd played in school. He'd remembered some of this on his own. Snatches of games and teammates and crowds and … normal. Who could have imagined he'd have ended up with such a normal life?

A new memory returned.

He turned back to Jared. "Hey. You're a Cowboys fan. We'd watch games."

Jared stared at him, mouth opening slightly. "Josh told you that?"

Jensen looked toward the couch. "No. I … I just _knew_. We'd sit there, bowl of popcorn between us. Drink a brew." Dean's smirk curled his lips. "Was good."

Jared met his eyes again. "Yeah. It was."

The sadness in the other man's gaze was overwhelming. Jensen had this instinctive desire to make it better, to make it go away. Didn't know where it was coming from just that it made him speak. "Hey, dude, look. I … if you're not my brother, I'm glad that we're at least friends."

He was met with another smile, only this time Jared's eyes reflected it as well. "Best friend I ever had."

– – –

In bed. Alone. Jared replayed the last conversation they'd had. That was the first clear memory Jensen had of Jared. Watching the Cowboys together. When he'd heard that he hadn't known whether to laugh or cry and he felt both bubbling up inside. He'd spoken his heart and quickly said he was beat and ran upstairs to shower and hide in his bed.

Doctor Anders, Rachel, had said Jensen's memories would return. She hadn't promised but she'd seemed optimistic. He wanted to believe her but held back. Kept the hope reined in because the disappointment of seeing Dean stare back at him each time was destroying him inside.

Before leaving Kate's office today he'd told her the truth. He told her he missed Jensen and was deathly afraid he'd never see him again. And he felt like a jerk and a monster because Jensen was _here_. Downstairs in his bed right now. And what kind of lover deserts his partner when things go bad? So he felt guilt. Because he missed Jensen and Jensen was here and he shouldn't be feeling this, but he was.

Kate said they'd talk more about this. To go easy on himself and that these feelings were normal.

Normal.

Turning over to smother tears into his pillow even though there was no way Jensen could hear him from downstairs, he wondered if he even knew what the word meant any longer.

**Chapter 5**

Almost two weeks following the accident they ordered pizza for dinner. Jared asked what Jensen wanted on it because he'd long stopped assuming he knew anything about the man sharing his home. Jensen had glanced at the menu.

"Supreme? 'S got everything."

Jared's heart skipped. That was their usual. He'd never ordered a pizza with Dean. Maybe it was Dean's favorite as well? Probably not. Had mushrooms.

"You got it." He kept his smile small. He'd caught on that Jensen got disturbed if Jared seemed too happy. Doctor Anders said that too much emotion could overwhelm him. So Jared had to constantly remember to tone it down. Keep it in check.

They sat down to wait and Jared was about to switch on the TV when Jensen surprised him with a question.

"So how does it work, this acting thing?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, how do you do it? You memorize the words and say them? That all there is to it?"

Jared looked at him to see if this was Dean sarcasm. To see if he was about to be laughed at. But he seemed earnest enough.

"Well, there's a bit more than that. But at its most basic … yeah, you memorize what you are supposed to say in a scene and then act it out."

"I watched myself."

"Huh?"

"Rachel played me some of the show. _Supernatural_. To prove to me I wasn't … Anyway, I watched myself but … it didn't look like acting. Was just me. You know?"

No. He didn't. And it wasn't. But he didn't want to start an argument and suddenly he had another idea.

"Would you like to see yourself as someone else? I mean playing another character, not Dean?"

Jensen turned to him, seemed a bit hesitant yet clearly curious. "You have—?"

"Sure do." Jared smiled broadly. Mostly these were used for torture sessions. They had each other's greatest hits, so to speak, on DVD. They were snowed in once for a day and had a marathon session of _Dark_ _Angel_ and _The_ _Gilmore_ _Girls_ and watched them both, making fun of themselves and each other and throwing popcorn and Jared had laughed so hard tears streamed down his cheeks and he'd slapped down hard on Jensen's thigh and life … life was good.

Fighting the memories off, he rose and pulled out a DVD box and handed it to Jensen. His friend looked it over, eyes riveted to the photos on the back.

"She's hot."

"Jessica Alba? Yeah. Do you remember her at all?"

Jensen's brows scrunched. "I … I don't think I liked her very much. I think they were all kinda douchey to tell the truth."

Jared laughed. He was remembering all right. Jensen had shared that the set was full of prima donnas and ego trips and nothing like the _Supernatural_ set, which he'd said was a breath of fresh air. Yeah. He knew how lucky they were. He'd been on less-than-perfect sets before. Made going to work feel like work. This was special. He looked at Jensen who was still absorbed reading the episode descriptions and wondered if he'd ever have it again.

"How come I had two names?"

Jared smiled. "Because you so wowed them in one episode of their first season they fucking created a new character just to bring you back as a regular for their second season."

Jensen looked up at this.

And blushed.

Jared thought he'd never see that again. It felt like his heart was jump started and he let out a barking whoop and grabbed the DVD and shouted, "Let's have us a _Dark_ _Angel_ marathon!"

They watched the pilot so Jensen could understand the premise. All blue fog and apocalyptic and very James Cameron. Jared liked the performances of the youngsters, especially the girl who played young Max on the show. She had Alba's dark features but brought in a vulnerability that only lives in youth. He kept looking over at Jensen as they watched and could see him reacting to the girl.

Jensen hated John Savage's character and kept making snide comments in Dean's deep timbered growl whenever he was on. It made Jared smile. Partway through, the pizza arrived and they spread it on the coffee table and chowed down.

Full and relaxed they followed the pilot with the next episode and then Jared suggested they skip forward. "Let's get to you."

The season one episode with Jensen was hand's down the best of the season. Jared knew he was prejudiced but he believed this had to be universally accepted. Jensen's performance as the broken soldier, Ben, was heartbreaking. Only Jensen could turn a serial murderer into a sympathetic character.

Ben was one of the futuristic genetically engineered soldiers that the show's hero, Max, considered her brothers and sisters. As a child, Ben was sensitive, softer than the rest. He developed his own warped religion revolving around a religious icon. A statue of a blue lady.

Ben was also insane.

His handlers considered him an anomaly – an experiment gone bad. A small band of these enhanced soldiers, including Max and Ben, escaped their barrack prison. Only Ben couldn't hack it on the outside. Too many choices. Too much temptation. His warped mind broke and he took to committing ritualistic murders.

Max had to stop him.

They watched quietly. Jared hadn't seen Jensen this engrossed in anything since leaving the hospital. Dean could never sit this still for so long. He wasn't sure who was on the couch next to him. It wasn't Jensen but it sure as hell wasn't Dean, either.

Ben's eyes were wild, crazed, yet so infinitely sad Jared found it hard to look. He was yelling at Max about an incident in their past, during their training. When they'd hunted a man down and killed him with their bare hands. A memory she wanted to forget.

Ben taunted her. "Don't tell me you don't wake up with the sound of your heart pounding in your ears."

"Shut up. "

"Or the taste of blood in your mouth."

"Shut up!"

"You're like a wolf in sheep's clothing, Max! You're hiding your instincts, every minute of every day, so that no one will know what you really are. A soldier... a hunter... a killer."

"Shut. Up!" She punched him hard in the jaw, drawing blood.

He'd smiled coldly and flicked the blood with his finger, drawing it to his lips for a slow lick. "See? What'd I tell you?"

Jensen grabbed the remote and hit pause.

"Jen?"

Annoyed eyes met his. Whoops. He'd forgotten. "Sorry. What's wrong?"

"He's right."

Jared looked at him confused. "Right about what?"

Jensen looked away, stood up, started pacing slowly, cat-like. "Dean … Dean's a killer. It's what he does. All he knows. And … he's in me."

Jared stood, wanted to touch him. Didn't. He thought a moment, it was very important to get this right. "Dean kills monsters. Evil. Dean is not a killer. He saves people. He's nothing … _nothing_ like Ben."

Jensen stared at him. "I thought you'd say Dean doesn't exist."

Jared grinned. "There is that, too."

Jensen started walking again. "I get so angry. I don't know things and I forget what someone told me five minutes after they said it and nothing makes fucking sense. That—" Jensen pointed to the TV. "I could never do _that_. I don't have a clue where to begin—What am supposed to do with-?" He paused, breathing hard, ran a hand over his face. "I would fucking kill for a beer."

Jared didn't say anything. He'd been warned to expect outbursts, that they would be uncontrolled, could even be violent. Hell, he'd been warned about so many things that Jensen could sprout wings and start flying and he didn't think he'd even blink. But it didn't make it easy. Didn't make it not hurt.

Because he couldn't even offer the damn beer.

"I'm sorry." Jared knew this was so little but it was all he had.

"Not your fault."

"Maybe it was a bad idea to watch the DVDs."

"No. I want to see the rest." Jensen sat down again. His face softened. "I get a death scene, right? I mean, no way Ben survives this episode. He's bat-shit crazy."

Jared sat down again, feeling the tension ease at Jensen's joking. "You get the death scene to end all death scenes, dude. I cried my eyes out first time I saw it."

"Pussy."

And Jared laughed.

– – –

" … and then he calmed all of a sudden. Like Dean was taking a back seat or something. And we watched the rest and some of season two and it was … better."

"Jared?"

"Yeah?"

"Our hour is nearly done and I just wanted to point out something."

"Mmm?"

"You've spoken about Jensen the entire time you were here."

Jared sat up higher on the couch. Uncrossed his ankles to bring them closer and looked at Kate. "So?"

"I understand how much of your time is occupied caring for him and dealing with his situation. But Jared, this is _your_ session. It's okay to spend a little time on yourself as well."

"I don't understand. I mean the only thing the matter with me is what's the matter with him."

That really made more sense in his head than when spoken aloud but he hoped Kate understood. He didn't have problems. Didn't have daddy issues or mommy issues or childhood stuff to work through. That's not why he was here.

"Okay. That's fine. We'll get back to it."

He left her office feeling confused. He thought the point of the therapy was to help him deal with Jensen and his injury.

– – –

Jensen was alone when he got back. Jared didn't like that. He'd thought Mac was going to come over.

"She went shopping instead. She'll be here later."

"So you were alone?"

Jensen looked at him. "Yeah, dude, no big deal. I'm not an invalid. Just … forget things sometimes."

Yeah. Like how to properly turn on the stove for one. The other day Jared had smelled gas and ran into the kitchen to see that the burner knob hadn't been turned properly and gas was coming out. And Jensen habitually forgot to close the back gate which panicked Jared that the dogs would get loose. And he'd run bath water and forget about it . . . So, yeah, there were issues.

Doctor Anders explained all this. Told them they'd be working on his memory problems and that his brain needed to reroute and heal and that it took time. But leaving him alone was a really bad idea and Mac should have known better.

Jensen glared at him. "It's fine, man. I didn't burn your fucking house down."

Jared instantly felt bad. "I didn't mean—"

"Forget it."

The silence lingered awkwardly between them. He remembered when even quiet moments were easy and slow. But that train of thought could go nowhere good.

Jensen fiddled with the remote looking like he was going to flick the TV on but then didn't. "Hey Jared … who's Kim?"

"What?"

"On TV … they were talking about us … the show. Said it was cursed. Calling it the _Supernatural_ Curse. But then someone said some chick named Kim was haunting the set. I didn't remember—"

Jared felt sick. He knew that the nonsense was just getting revved up but that didn't make it any easier to hear.

"Kim wasn't a woman. Kim Manners. He was an executive producer and director. A really good friend of ours. You and he-Jensen, you don't remember him at all? He … died earlier this year. Lung cancer."

Jensen looked pensive, face withdrawn. "Thin face. Shaggy hair."

"Yep. Best director in the world. We loved working with him. Brought out the best in both of us. Your best work was with him." He remembered what started this conversation and his blood got hot again. How dare they defame Kim's name with shit like that? "What were they saying?" he asked on a growl.

"Silly things mostly. Talked about you breaking your hand and then hurting your back just days before I …" He stopped and his gaze flickered on Jared's face before turning away. "I remembered your hand but what happened to your back? I don't remember that. Older stuff's coming back. Rachel said it would be that way. But I don't remember anything about you hurting your back."

Jared didn't know that Jensen recalled his breaking his hand and shook off the pleasure this gave him to focus on the remaining question.

"We were filming 4.21, _When_ _the_ _Levee_ _Breaks_. A few weeks ago." That made him stop. God, it felt like a lifetime ago. Could it really have only been a few weeks? At Jensen's blank stare he explained, "That's the episode before this season's finale." Only there was no season finale. There was no show. Not anymore. "It was nothing. I hit a crash mat with my back, just a bruise."

Jensen nodded then looked in front of him as if he was seeing something beyond the sofa. "I remember dying."

"What?"

"On the show. Hell hounds. Only … they weren't really there."

Jared remembered that episode – season three's finale. Dean went to hell. All the blood and writhing and Jensen's performance was so over-the-top good that he looked freaking dead in his arms and for a second the boundaries blurred and he'd felt this tight knot in his gut as he called out his dead brother's name.

"Jen—Jensen, do you remember it as you or as …?"

"I don't know … I mean, I know I didn't really die. I remember the packets of fake blood set up to gush at the right moment. Sticky. Tastes awful. I remember the feel of the table underneath me, falling on the floor, rolling around … and I remember you …"

Jensen stopped. Face closed.

"What?" Jared urged.

"You were yelling. And then holding me, crying. Didn't see it, couldn't look at you, but … felt it."

"That was Sam. Not me."

Jensen looked at him, eyes sharp. "Was it?"

Jared couldn't answer and didn't know what to do with the emotional energy pinging around them. Because what he wanted to do would freak Jensen the hell out. At least he thought it would until Jensen's next question.

"How long have we been … together?"

They hadn't talked about this before. He knew Jensen knew. He'd picked up on it in the hospital and Jared hadn't denied it and so it sat like an invisible elephant in the room.

"We've known each other for four years, nearly five." He knew he was hedging but thought it best.

"I know that. That's not what I meant," Jensen returned with a Dean glare.

Four years. Two years. Two days. Jared didn't know how to explain this. "Not long … But-"

"Jared—"

"Three days."

Jensen's eyes grew tremendous and his face went red. "What?"

"Technically, it was a weekend, but—"

"You have got to be shitting me? I've been making myself crazy – worrying about – and you're telling me it was nothing more than a 'guys gone wild' experimentation weekend?"

"It wasn't ... You don't understand."

"Actually. I think I do. And I feel bad about this. I do. Because you're a nice guy and I didn't want to – I'm moving out, Jared."

"You're … what?"

"You heard me. I'm moving out. I've been doing some reading about, well, our profession, and these things happen with co-workers. Common enough. And maybe you had a crush on me, kid, and it got out of hand and I probably shouldn't have – but I guess I did – and I'm sorry. But it's best now that we move on. Show's not going to survive this. Let's be real. So better to go our separate ways now and let you get on with your life."

Jared collapsed onto the couch because his legs weren't holding him any longer. Where was this coming from? It was so left-field. Doctor Anders had explained about sudden mood swings and angry outbursts but she hadn't – dammit what was real? Because right now it sure sounded like he was about to lose Jensen and … and …

"Jensen. Please. It's not what you think. It's not a goddamn crush. I … you can't just … " He inhaled deeply. "Look. You're not … it's too soon to be making life decisions. Barely been a few weeks. Wait a little longer. It's not like I'm forcing you to – If … later … when your memories are all back, when you feel better, if you still want to move out. I won't stop you."

Jensen had a faraway look again. Jared wasn't even sure if he'd heard him. Frustration oozed out of him in sputters as Jensen remained silent, staring inwardly.

"Kim was there."

God, these non-sequiturs were giving him whiplash. "When, Jensen?"

"We were reading the finale. Um … season .. season two, I think. When you—when Sam died. And later, I told Kim … wasn't sure how many takes I could handle … Would be hard. You were so still. And I didn't know what to do, you know, how to let you go. What was I sup-posed to do?"

Jensen was remembering his lines. Saying them in a similar manner and his eyes were breaking. Rachel said Jensen's ability to control emotions was compromised and so far Jared had seen anger and frustration but never …

Jensen was crying.

Jared was reeling. One minute Jensen was leaving him and now he was crying and Jared knew his eyes were leaking but he didn't know what to do any more than Dean did that horrible day.

He approached slowly and put his hands gently around Jensen's back and drew him closer. Jensen let himself be drawn in to Jared's shoulder and started mumbling _I_ _'_ _m_ _sorry_ over and over.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for Jensen."

"Imma mess. Useless. Don't know anything. I don't belong anywhere. Not even real."

"Hush. You are real. You belong here. With me. The rest will take care of itself."

His heart was racing at feeling Jensen so close again, pressed against him. He'd missed him so much and he moved his lips without realizing it softly against Jen's temple, moving lower …

Jensen jumped back as if Jared had burned him. "What the fuck?" Dean's hard eyes glared at him. "Don't you touch me like that again. Ever. Do you understand me?"

Jared shook at the venom being thrown at him. He thought he might vomit. He looked at the floor, at the wall and the door and thought of nothing but escape. Anything other than Dean and the anger and the disgust and the dismissal coming out of his eyes.

"I'm sorry," Jared finally managed to choke out.

Dean calmed down. Ran a hand over his hair. He was trying to regain himself. "No. I … shouldn'ta …" His eyes shifted, softened. Jensen came back gently, like a sheet billowing down upon a bed. "Jared. I'm sorry. I don't know – Can't control … Man, you must be sick of me."

Jared looked at him hard. Took in the golden freckles standing out against pale cheeks. Chiseled cheekbones, too thin from not eating enough. His eyes gleamed in the sunlight flickering through the windows, long lashes, still wet with tears, leaving soft shadows on his cheek. There was no question that he was the most beautiful man Jared had ever known.

And he loved him so much it hurt.

Which is why he didn't know how much longer he could survive this.

But he answered with his heart. "I could _never_ be sick of you. Not possible."

He didn't expect Jensen would say anything more. These outbursts tended to have a pattern. A slow build. An explosion. And then … nothing.

Only, as Jared and Jensen headed out a short time later for Jensen's appointments, Jensen stopped Jared at the door until he met his gaze and said softly. "Thanks."

– – –

Kate smiled when Jared entered but it quickly disappeared. "What happened?"

Jared settled into the couch. Crossed one long leg loosely over the other and gave her a weak grin. "Where to begin?"

"The beginning?" she ventured drily.

He blinked and answered without thinking. "We shook hands in Eric's office. I was nervous. Everything depended on how well we clicked. Now I knew myself enough to know I could get along with pretty much anyone." His lips rose into his charmed dimpled smile. "But even so. Two leads on an hour-long show. If he was a dick, the job would be hell."

Into the silence she said, "You liked him."

Jared met her eyes. "From that second on. We had home in common and from that came music and food and just … a way of being. He's funny. Lets things slide. I saw a producer once get in his face bitching away and Jen just stood there calm, only his eyes giving anything away. He waited and then asked the guy if he was done and just walked away and I thought, hell, I would've ripped the jerk a new one because he was way out of line but Jen's such a pro …"

Kate leaned in. Blue eyes open and clear. "What happened, Jared?"

He looked up at her and she seemed bleary and that's when he realized he was crying. "They're saying Kim Manners is haunting our set."

"The director you told me had died earlier this year? Your friend?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry."

"So am I. Because he deserves way better than that. He loved Jensen. And this would … would've …"

"You've been in show business a long time. You know that this kind of sensationalism sells. Is Jensen aware of this?"

"He told me about it. Watched some E special about the _Supernatural_ Curse."

"Did you two talk about it?"

"Some. He remembered Kim. That was good."

Into his lingering pause she asked. "What wasn't good?"

"He asked me how long we'd been together. As lovers. When I told him … he … got angry. Felt like I tricked him, I guess. Said he was moving out."

"I see."

"I freaked. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't believe … God, Kate, he doesn't know me, doesn't know _us_ at all. Thought it was some 'gay experiment'. Made it seem like _nothing_. But then, he switched. He does that. And I know you and Rachel told me to expect it - the mood shifts. But it's so hard … he remembered filming _All_ _Hell_ _Breaks_ _Loose_."

"The episode where Sam dies?" Kate had caught up on the show. It made it easier to talk shorthand with her.

He nodded. "That was a hard scene for Jensen. We all go through some character bleed. It happens, you know. But I was worried about him after that one. He was wrecked."

"Do you think he loved you already?"

Jared frowned at this unexpected question. He'd never thought that … sure Jensen had admitted that the attraction between them had been there a long time. _Mighta_ _been_ _longer_. He didn't answer her question.

"Then Jensen started crying. One minute he was leaving me and then he's crying and I … I held him. And it'd been so long since I've even touched him. And I miss him. Miss him so much. I … I know I shouldn't have, but I didn't think. I went to kiss him and he … he wigged. Became Dean."

"Oh, Jared."

"Yeah. He was disgusted. Looked at me like I was some sort of pervert. And then it switched again and he was Jensen. Well, whatever passes for Jensen these days."

Jared stopped because he couldn't even recognize his own voice anymore. He was so tired. So alone. Because whoever he was living with it wasn't … maybe it would be better if Jensen did move out.

"Kate. Jen … Jen is gone, isn't he? I mean, I kept thinking that it would … that he'd come back somehow but he can't. He's gone." Breathing got hard because someone was stomping on his heart, bludgeoning it into submission, trying to make it stop. It hurt. It hurt so bad.

"If he'd died. In the accident. If he'd died. Then there'd be a funeral and mourning and everyone would miss him and … but … he _did_ , only nobody knows … it's like only _I_ know … and I'm supposed to act lucky because his body is still there … still moving … but it's not … it's not …"

She moved over to the couch and sat next to him, rubbing his back gently. She handed him a tissue and stayed quiet and didn't judge. "The grief you feel is real Jared. And it's justified. As is your anger."

He pulled back a bit to look at her. She was right. He was angry. Angry that Jensen left him. That he wasn't trying harder to come back. That he didn't seem to even want to come back. That he didn't miss Jared like Jared missed him. _That_ _he_ _'_ _d_ _stopped_ _loving_ _him._

Jared looked down, wouldn't meet her eyes. "I don't wish … I don't want you to think I wish Jensen had … I mean, I thank god he's okay. Can't even think about-Jesus, I'm not making any sense."

Her eyes caught his again. "Of course you're glad he survived. But what happened to Jensen, the changes he's gone through, it's left you in a very vulnerable position. As his brain heals, he'll have these outbursts. He'll push you away and draw you back. Truth is, Jensen can't know what he's feeling yet. So spending your energy trying to figure out what he feels is pointless. The only feelings that you have control over are your own. And I'm glad you were able to talk some of them out here today."

Jared let her words penetrate. "When we shook hands that day, the day I met Jensen, you know the very first thought I had?"

Kate looked at him questioningly.

He looked away because he'd hardly even admitted this to himself before. "I thought he was … breathtaking. And I … laughed because it was such a damn girly thought. And Jensen laughed back even though he couldn't have known why and I knew … I knew it would all be good."

Jared closed his eyes a moment. If even a sliver of the man who'd stolen his breath was still in there then he had to wait for him to come back. Didn't have a choice. Didn't know how to do anything else.

**Chapter 6**

Jensen was looking at flash cards. The exercise was supposed to help his short-term memory. A simple Concentration-like game. Apple-Giraffe. Baseball-Ladybug. Apple-Toadstool. Find the other Apple. Remember where it last appeared.

Like he was fucking six years old.

Except he couldn't remember.

 _It_ _'_ _s_ _okay_. _Give_ _it_ _time._ _Be_ _patient_.

He pitched the flashcards against the wall with a violent throw that took him back to his baseball playing days. They scattered like tiles across the floor. Now _that_ he remembered. Homeruns scored when he was still in Little League were clear as a bell. But a card he turned over five minutes ago … gone … like it was never there.

"Jensen, maybe we should continue this another time?"

He looked up at the young therapist who stared at him wide-eyed. She'd report back to Rachel that he was being difficult again. Well, fuck her. Fuck all of them with their big smiles and purposely slow speech and clipboards and charts and fucking flash cards.

On cue, Rachel entered, eyeing the situation with an appraising glance. He was suddenly reminded of the woman he fell in love with, _Cassie_ , who dumped him when he told her the truth about himself, about hunting monsters.

Except that didn't happen.

And when he closed his eyes he didn't remember making love with her but rather laughing awkwardly as she play-rode him. He remembered he wanted to try to make it easy for her, try to make her comfortable but he hated scenes like that, they intimidated him. And in the end she was the one to make him feel at ease and he was grateful.

So there was no girl and no love story and no breakup. Nothing was real. Every memory evaporated into the ether and he thought one of these mornings he'd wake up and look down and see nothing and then maybe it would all finally begin to make sense.

The doctor helped the cognitive therapist, whose name he couldn't remember if his life depended on it, pick up the cards. When they were neatly put back in their box she thanked the younger woman and told her softly that they'd try again tomorrow.

Jensen glared at Rachel but said nothing.

This wasn't her office. Wasn't where he usually had his counseling sessions with her but he didn't feel like moving. He stood because she was still standing but neither moved to leave the room. So he twisted the chair around and straddled it backward, leaning his hand over the back.

Rachel moved a chair and placed it opposite him. "Would you like to remain in here?"

He shrugged.

"Why did you throw the cards?"

"Because they're fucking stupid."

Part of him flinched. You didn't curse in front of ladies. His mom had taught him way better than this. This wasn't anywhere near decent behavior. His hands raked through his hair and back. "I'm sorry."

"Because you threw the cards?"

He looked at her sitting straight in the hard-backed chair, steady golden-brown gaze never leaving his. "Been doing some reading."

When he didn't continue right away she asked, "About what?"

"About my condition. Brain injuries. Says that if you don't recover right away you're not going to recover. So why are we continuing with these stupid games? They won't make a difference. My brain is fucked up."

She looked him in the eye. "It's true that the bulk of recovery happens quickly. But Jensen, it hasn't even been four weeks since your accident. It's still early and your brain is definitely still repairing itself. Your last PET scans were very positive. Doctor Johnson explained about the tissue damage. And look how far you've come in other areas. You know who you are now, Jensen, this is a tremendous achievement."

" _Who_ _I_ _am?_ Who am I, Rachel? Who the fuck am I? They tell me I'm an actor but I don't know how to act. They tell me I'm a singer and a musician but I can't play a note. I'll tell you who I am. I'm fucking useless – that's what. When my parents look at me they're always hiding tears. Hell, my brother won't _even_ look at me. Mac's the only one who can stand being around me without speaking at me like I'm retarded. And Jared …"

"What about Jared?"

"He looks at me like I'm a ghost. Like I died and nobody remembered to bury the body. Like I'm freaking killing him because I'm not …"

"You're not what?"

He stood up abruptly, the chair wobbling but not falling. "Him. Dammit. _Him_. Jensen Ackles. Star of _Supernatural_."

Rachel stood, too. She touched his arm gently. "Acting. Playing an instrument. Those are skills, Jensen. They may come back. They may be re-learned. Or maybe they won't. But they aren't who you are."

He looked down at her. Wanting to believe. "Who am I?"

She smiled at him. "We're going to figure that out, you and I."

"But it's going to take time." White teeth flashed at him again. "And I need to stay patient." He sighed and raked his fingers through his hair again favoring her with a rare smile of his own. "Bring me the cards."

– – –

"Dad, Josh … I understand. You need to get back home, back to work. There's no need to apologize anymore. I'm doing better. Ran a bath yesterday without flooding the bathroom. Right, Jared, nothing to worry about?"

Jared instantly backed him. "Yes. No flooding. And the self-note technique Rachel suggested is working well."

Jensen blanched. He didn't want to get into this with his family. He removed the stupid post-it notes before they came. Didn't Jared notice that? Maybe he did but didn't care. Jared kept telling him it was silly to be self-conscious about the memory tricks but …

"Note technique?" Alan asked. Of course.

" 'S nothing, really. I just use post-its to help jog my memory about how certain things work or what someone told me or who's coming over and who called. Appointments. That sort of thing."

Alan chuckled. "I should start doing that. I'm sure your mother can tell you I forget to tell her who called her all the time."

Jared laughed. But even for Jared it seemed forced.

Jensen walked his family to the door. He wasn't exactly happy to see them leave but it was smothering to have people hovering all the time. And with his folks he had to be 'on' more. Had to fight his impulses until sometimes he felt like he could hardly breathe. It was easier when it was just him and Jared.

He wondered if Jared would agree with him.

The idea gnawed and so after they were alone a few minutes he asked, "Wish they were sticking around?"

"Do you?"

He shrugged, annoyed that he didn't get a straight answer but unwilling to push it further. Instead he walked into the kitchen to put back up the post-its about how the appliances worked. Best to keep that promise about not burning the house down.

Jared was at his computer clicking away.

"Holy shit!"

Jensen popped back out of the kitchen. "What is it?"

"The fans, they …" Jared stopped speaking. He looked like he was choking up.

Jensen bent over the taller man's shoulder. The window was open to a Web site called "The _Supernatural_ Gift." The word 'gift' was purposely superimposed over a crossed out 'curse.' There were photos of the two of them along with a long introductory paragraph debunking any notion of a curse.

He read through it and looked again at Jared, not totally getting his reaction but understanding that it meant something to his friend.

"Jensen, there's more. They've started a 'Save _Supernatural_ ' campaign."

"What do you mean?"

"They're trying to buy us time, man. Trying to get the network to promise to bring us back … when … when you're ready."

Jensen stared at Jared eyes widening. "What are you talking about? The show's done, history. I … Fuck, you know the truth. Those …" He pointed to the screen. "Those people don't have a clue. They're living in dream land but not you, too. Time to move the fuck on."

Jared's eyes narrowed, hardened. "Why do you always say that? I mean, what if they give us more time?"

Jensen took a few steps back, fighting to control his temper, which under the best circumstances wasn't easy and Jared was now making it impossible. He took a deep breath and tried to slow down his speech. "Because. I. Don't. Know. How. To. Act. Any. Longer."

"Oh, I don't know. You can act like a jerk pretty good most of the time."

"What?"

Jared stood and got in his face. "You heard me." He ran a hand through his hair and stepped back, sighing. "Jensen … how do you know you don't know how to do the job?"

"What kind of question is that? My fucking brain was damaged or have you forgotten that?"

"Your IQ is off the damn charts. Your cognitive scores are high. There isn't a damn thing that's stopping you from being an actor again. Unless … you don't want it. If you want to do something else then say so and I'll back you. Help you, whatever. But I'm tired of hearing you _can_ _'_ _t_ do it because there is nothing supporting that."

Jensen stared as Jared's angry glare turned to exasperation and finally lingered on him daringly. He blinked uncertain what to say.

Turning swiftly, Jared opened the small cabinet near the computer and pulled out some papers. As he turned Jensen recognized the folded pages. The _Supernatural_ _Pilot_ script that Jared first brought to the hospital.

"Let's read some lines."

"Are you crazy? I just got over thinking I'm Dean. Now you want me to become him again?"

"You won't become him."

"How do you—?"

"Jensen. You don't have a multiple personality disorder. The only reason you woke up as Dean was the injury. You're healing and reprocessing … you're not Dean." Jared pulled out a duplicate script. "Man, we read through these dozens of times. That pilot meant a lot to me."

"We played pool."

"Huh?" Jared looked over.

"In that bar. In L.A. We'd bring the scripts and read some lines and take a break and play … I remember that."

Jared chuckled. "People thought we were nuts once we memorized chunks and sat around talking about ghosts."

"And that chick said she lived with one, remember? Said the ghost was her roommate."

"Fuck yeah. Had long black hair. Some sort of Elvira wannabe. Was all over you. Dude, you always attract the psychos. "

"You should talk Padalecki … I wasn't the one who ended up making out with her in the corner."

Jared flushed and Jensen laughed. "You didn't think I knew that, did you?"

"I was drunk."

"You were more than that."

"Kane's fault. Shit he gets is so strong it gets you high long distance."

Jensen burst out laughing. He looked up, caught Jared looking at him sheepishly and caught the script suddenly flying at him, pages rustling. He looked from it and then back at Jared. "You really wanna do this?"

They read lines together.

At first it was weird. Saying words that belonged to someone else. And then something clicked and he felt himself slipping into Dean like donning a favorite old sweatshirt. Only it wasn't like before, like in the hospital, where he didn't know where he ended and Dean began. It was different. It was a role.

And it felt right.

Jared beamed at him. He put his script down. "Remember the opening sequence, our reunion scene … the fight?"

"Do you?"

"Move for move. It's a sense memory, Jensen. Betcha you have it, too."

Jensen looked back at his script reading the lines from that part. After a minute he turned back to Jared. "We doing this?"

Jared turned off the overhead lighting leaving only the desk lamp and the computer to add an ambient glow. "Setting the stage."

And it was on. They shoved and manhandled, twisting like dancers across the darkened space until Dean had Sam pinned to the ground and drawled at him, "Easy tiger."

"Dean? You scared the crap out of me!"

"That's 'cause you're out of practice."

Then Sam twisted and in two efficient moves flipped them over until he hovered inches above Dean.

"Or not." He caught his breath. "Get off me."

Except Jared's eyes locked with Jensen's and neither moved. And Jensen felt every inch of Jared's well-toned body press up against him, making him ache and burn and _want_ … but it was _Sam_ and he couldn't … _shouldn_ _'_ _t_ …

"Get off me! Now!" He shoved up hard knocking Jared backward.

Jared sat on his ass looking up shocked. "Omigod. I'm sor-ry."

Jensen looked away. Wiped his face with his hand. Felt the moisture on his forehead. His arousal was subsiding but it had been there – hot and thick. His face heated up. He ran the mantra through his head. _It_ _'_ _s_ _not S_ _am._ _It_ _'_ _s_ _not_ _Sam._ _I_ _don_ _'_ _t_ _want_ _to_ _fuck_ _my_ _brother._ _I_ _'_ _m_ _not_ _a_ _sicko._ But the rock in his stomach wouldn't listen. There was something wrong with him. He wasn't normal. He was _wrong_.

Jared stood up slowly. He walked closer but Jensen put his arm out and made it clear that he needed to stay away. "Look … I know … I know you're not 'm brother. That there is no Sam. No Dean. I know this." He took a step further away and turned around slowly. "It's just that it feels … what happened … 'S wrong … it's _sick_ …"

His stomach recoiled and he ran to the bathroom barely making it before hurling into the toilet. His breakfast left his system in retched heaves and after a few moments he leaned his head against the cool porcelain and shut his eyes. The sound of the tap startled him and Jared leaned down and handed him a wet washcloth which he took gratefully.

He stood and met Jared's eyes in the bathroom mirror. They were red-rimmed but Jared wasn't crying. Instead, he said voice tired but steady, "Do you want me to move out?"

Jensen turned from mirror-Jared to look at him properly. "Wh-at?"

"Jensen, I make you sick." Jared's mouth scrunched in a nasty twist. "Literally."

Ignoring Jared he grabbed his toothbrush and brushed his teeth. When he could stand his own mouth again he said, "It's your house." His voice sounded oddly weak to his own ears. It didn't match the drumbeat of his heart.

"That wasn't the question."

The reflective white of the bathroom fixtures turned Jared's eyes a dull dark brown. Jensen wondered briefly what his own eyes looked like. Wanted to look in the mirror. Wondered who he'd see there. He looked at Jared instead, staring intently into the mirror of Jared's eyes, hoping for a reflection.

An answer.

"Do you know who I am?" It came out a harsh whisper.

Or maybe he hadn't said it at all.

Except Jared crumbled.

Shattered in front of him like a light bulb squeezed too hard. Jared sank slowly to the floor and buried his head in his knees keening in harsh little bursts like he was wounded.

Jensen blinked. The room's light seemed to flicker and dust motes floated in the air around him in patterns that resembled musical notes. "Jay?"

Jared shuddered and his head shook sideways like he was denying something.

"Jay?" Jensen dropped to his knees and bent over lifting Jared's head up. Splotchy eyes met his. "Don't … don't move out. Please don't move out."

Jared let out something like a cackle, oddly high and off-pitch. He put one large hand on each of Jensen's shoulders and held on as he steadied his breathing. Jensen held his own breath because he didn't know if Jay would listen to him, if he were worth the bother, because he knew how impossible it was to live with him, knew how crazy he was.

He started to pull back but Jared held him steady, met his gaze, eyes no longer dull, but brown and blue and glittering like gold dust. "It's my fucking house, after all."

Jensen smiled.

– – –

"He called me 'Jay'."

Kate smiled because Jared's good humor was always contagious. "He hasn't done that before?"

"Sure, used to do it all the time. But not since the accident. Not once. Except the other night he did. 'Course I was having a meltdown at the time." He laughed humorlessly.

"What do you mean?"

Jared sighed. "I had this genius idea of us reading lines from the show. Got tired of hearing Jensen say he can't be an actor any more when we both know there's no good reason why that should be so. And, of course, even with an addled brain, he's still better than half the actors working today, but that's beside the point. We played out the scene from the pilot where Dean breaks into Sam's house."

"The fight scene?" Kate asked, her eyes already giving away concern over this.

"Yeah. Like I said. Genius. So we act it out and it felt good. Every move came back like it was yesterday. And then I flip him and he's lying under me …"

"You got aroused."

"We both did."

Kate's eyebrows rose at this. "There's a 'but' coming."

"Yeah. You could say that. He wigged about the incest thing again. It made him sick to his stomach. I mean he actually puked his guts out."

"Jared. We spoke about this. He's still processing the characters you played with the people you are. Sam and Dean were part of his life fifteen hours a day for four years and those memories are there fighting for attention with all the rest."

"I know. I pushed too hard. I should have moved away the second we were done. It's just … it's been so long and he … I felt him …"

"I understand. Go on. What happened after he got sick?"

"I offered to move out."

Kate's eyes flew to his. "Do you want to move out? Is this something you are thinking about?"

"No. If … if he'd said yes I don't know what I …"

"Did he say no?"

"Eventually. He … he looked so broken, Kate. It broke my heart. It just … broke my heart."

"Hence the meltdown?"

He looked at her. "Yes. Pretty epic. I think it was a long time coming. But then, Jensen was there. Kate. _Jensen_ was there."

"Jared," Kate said very softly. "Hasn't he always been there?"

His eyes widened. " _This_ _is_ _who_ _Jensen_ _is_ _right_ _now._ " Jared felt as if he'd experienced a physical punch.

At Kate's puzzled look, he continued slowly. "That's what Rachel said the day I first met her. But I didn't understand then. I thought I wanted … But that's not … Kate, I think Jen's looking for me to find him. To _see_ him. And I wasn't looking."

Kate was quiet. She seemed to measure her words. "Jared. It's not your job to provide Jensen's identity for him. He needs to work this through himself."

Jared nodded. He knew this. Only Jensen could … but … Jared had been hoping for weeks for a specific identity to reemerge. He looked away from Kate. Couldn't quite meet her gaze. Because in his heart of hearts he still wanted Jensen to come back.

– – –

 _Jensen_ _was_ _flying_.

Jared watched, helpless, as Jensen moved through the air in this bizarre imitation of slow motion, mouth opening in a surprised 'O' and hands trying to come out to stop himself, until someone hit a switch and everything sped up, lightning fast and Jared heard a wet, sticky, crunch and he was running, panting, but was too late … always too late … and Jared crashed down on the floor, hard on his knees, like a runner sliding into a base. Reaching Jensen's side to turn him over and there was blood everywhere, gushing out of Jensen's temple, out of his mouth and nose and his eyes were like sea glass - sightless and …

"NO! God, no. No … Jensen … Jen, you can't … don't leave me … please … Jen … _JEN!_ "

"Jared. Jared! C'mon, man, wake up. Jay!"

"J—Jen …" Jared popped up and rubbed his hands over his face. Not again. The damn nightmare had started two nights ago and hadn't let him go. He didn't know if it was the same as the one that haunted him from before Jensen's accident, he didn't believe in premonitions, he wasn't superstitious, not really. But this … this was …

A hand touched his shoulder and he shuddered. "No, don't." It was worse. Jensen's attempts at - he wasn't sure what - sympathy, pity … they just made him feel more alone.

"Did you talk to Kate about this?"

The dream was receding. Going back to that dark pit of fear that Jared was able to bury during daylight hours but that clearly was consuming him at night. Loss. Overwhelming and encompassing and total.

Jensen pondered him questioningly. Cautious. Reserved. If Jared looked at him a moment longer he knew he'd lose it. Because Jensen was _everything_ to him and the man was looking back at him with polite concern. He yanked his eyes away and answered as neutrally as he could. "I see her tomorrow. I'll bring it up. Maybe see if I can get some sleeping pills or something …"

"Yeah. Might help. I take them sometimes. If … if I can't still the thoughts."

"I'm sorry I woke you. Again."

"It's okay. I wasn't asleep anyway."

That surprised Jared. He glanced at the clock on his bedside table. Two a.m. "How come?"

Jensen looked down. Jared saw color heighten his cheeks. Seconds passed and he didn't think Jensen would answer. But then softly he said, "I had a dream, too. Woke me. I had to … clean up." The last words were barely a whisper. Disgust twisted his face.

"Last time that happened to me I was twelve years old."

"It's okay. Rachel said—"

"Don't tell me what Rachel said. I can quote verses of what she said already. Doesn't change anything. I'm a mess."

Jensen shook as if to physically dispel his frustration. The bed moved slightly as he shifted to find a more comfortable position on its edge.

Trying to lighten the mood Jared joked, "Hope she was hot at least." Jensen's eyes shot back to him shocked. "Dream girl I meant—" But he stopped because the heat coming off of Jen's eyes made it pretty clear that Jensen hadn't been dreaming about a random girl. " _Fuck_."

It came out a murmur but Jensen's eyes slowly traveled over him like they couldn't decide where to land first. "Not yet."

Jared's breath caught in his throat. The emotions of the dream were still flowing through his veins and his heart was thrumming from the primal waves suddenly emanating from Jensen's body and a tiny voice was saying _mistake_ _mistake_ _mistake_ … because it was part of the injury … Rachel had warned … inexplicable mood swings and heightened sexual …

Jensen crawled up on the bed straddling one leg over each of Jared's thighs over the blanket. He moved lithe and graceful with feline precision until his face was inches away. Warm breath washed over Jared and the tiny rational part of his mind was overwhelmed by the desire to reach forward and take one small taste.

He shut his eyes and inhaled hard and turned his head before Jen's lips could reach his and put a hand up to push against his chest. "No! Not like this. Not when you're not …"

Jensen jumped back at the contact and his face went rigid. "When I'm not _what_?" He leapt over and landed on Jared's other side on the King size bed, still on his knees, bare-chested and so mouth watering Jared momentarily couldn't even hear his words. Except Jensen was seething. "Not what? Say it … say what I'm not!"

"I didn't mean …"

"You did. You _do_. You cry every fucking night because you think I'm dead. And maybe I am. Because it's not like anybody wants what woke up."

Jared's heart sped into overdrive. "You think I don't want you? I can't even look at you without going hard … I want you so damn much my blood fucking aches. But not … it's not just sex, Jensen. And you don't … don't remember me … don't remember us. So, yeah, I miss it. Miss _you_."

Jensen didn't say anything. Didn't move. Jared wasn't sure what was turning in his mind only that he had that spooky inward look that usually meant Jared's world was about to shift. Again. He braced himself.

The eyes that focused on him intently glowed inhumanly green in the dim light. "Tell me about the dream."

Okay, he hadn't expected that. "You want to hear about my dream?"

Jensen nodded, staring at him like he wanted to see inside his skull. Jared blinked and looked away and didn't understand but, what else was new? "It's what you said, Jensen, I dream that you died."

The bed undulated again as Jensen sat back on his heels, hands on his thighs. Then he shifted and leaned his palms flat on the bed, swaying forward but still keeping a distance from Jared. Tears glistened behind his eyes. " _Am_ I dead?"

The words jolted Jared.

"What? No … No."

"I'm sorry." A single tear fell and Jared tracked its progress down Jensen's cheek until another broke its path and they splintered like tributaries off a river and snapped Jared back to reality.

He didn't know if Jensen was apologizing for being alive or being dead and all Jared knew was that he was responsible for the hurt he saw and he was fucking this up and it had to stop.

Had to stop right now.

Shoving the covers off he took him in a tight hug and didn't care if Jensen puked all over him or slugged him or turned into Dean fucking Winchester and tried to exorcize him, he wasn't going to let go. Jensen stiffened a moment in surprise but then softened, melted into him warm and pliant, almost child-like. His soft hair tickled Jared's bare shoulder and his breath hitched before slowing and calming and melding steadily with Jared's own.

He pulled Jensen down gently until they were sharing his pillow and Jensen wrapped his arm around his torso and snuggled in tighter and mumbled, "G'nite Jay" into his shoulder.

Jared closed his eyes and as sleep took him he could forget that he'd ever wanted anything other than what was wrapped around him that second.

**Chapter 7**

Jensen was on a date.

And Jared was going out of his mind.

He really didn't even believe this guy had existed. But clearly he had because he'd called. Jensen remembered him. And Jared didn't even want to think about how much that bugged the hell out of him.

Jen made light of it. "We dated for a while, a couple of years back. Ended friendly. He lost his gig and left Vancouver. You know how it is."

No. He most certainly didn't. Because his boyfriend was having dinner with another man and kept saying it was no big thing and would it be wrong to follow and, you know, just show up in the restaurant and accidently connect his fist with the guy's nose?

The guy was in Vancouver to meet with a producer and Jensen had agreed to dinner saying maybe it would be better for everyone if he tried resuming a normal life again. Right. A normal life that didn't include Jared.

He took another long swallow of his beer and eyed his phone. He could call Chad. Usually was good for a laugh. He could call his mom and cry his eyes out. He could find something stronger than a beer to drink. He could stop feeling fucking sorry for himself.

His cell phone rang jarring him out of his inner hell.

He eyed the ID but it wasn't familiar.

"Hello?"

"Padalecki? Um, Jared?"

"Who's this?"

"This is Aaron … I was, um, out with Jensen."

Jared's heart pitched. "What's wrong?"

"Look, man, I'm really sorry … "

Jared was ready to put his hand through the phone and strangle the man. "Where's Jensen? What's wrong?"

"I don't know. That's why I'm … I kinda … kinda lost him."

"What?" He was grabbing his jacket and car keys as he gripped the phone vise-tight in his hand. "How could you—where are you, I'm on my way."

The idiot gave him an address and Jared took off thinking that if anything happened to Jensen the guy would not live to see another dawn.

The hotel was located on a fairly quiet street. At least Jensen being here should stay pretty under the radar. It was one of those smaller European-style establishments with a limited number of rooms and over-the-top zen décor. He raced by the fountain and the river rocks and took the stairs to the third floor, too frantic to wait for the elevator.

Aaron opened the door quickly. Jared looked him over. He was a little shorter than Jensen, way shorter than Jared. Slim build with lean hips. His hair was a blend of bottle blonde and brown, carefully styled into perfect spikes. Jensen's hair was longer now and while it always looked good wasn't anywhere near as fussed over as this. Cool blue eyes looked Jared over and grinned appreciatively. Jared's dislike was immediate and vitriolic and completely insensible and there was nothing he could do about it.

"What happened?" he said by way of greeting, ignoring the other man's outstretched hand to move past him into the room.

His eyes zeroed instantly on the bed. It was disturbed. Not destroyed. Not demolished in a pile of cotton, like after he and Jen ... but the white bedspread was indented and wrinkled and as he stared he made out the imprint of a body, the subtle shape of someone being laid down on the bed and ...

Aaron started to stutter. "We had din-ner in a restaurant a couple of blocks away. Really … it's just around the corner … I didn't think—"

Jared's patience vanished. "Where. Is. He?"

Aaron looked back at him, eyes wide and edgy. His fear fueled Jared's own. On his way here he'd tried Jensen's cell and it rang and then went to voicemail. Hundreds of horrible scenarios played in his head and he shook them away and waited for Aaron to finish.

"L-like I said we ate dinner and then … then I asked him if he wanted to come back here, um, with … with me. Here."

"Did he?" Jared almost didn't want to know.

"Y—yes. And … we talked … and, well, um … stuff … and then he said, 'Oh shit,' and realized … his cell, he'd left it in the restaurant. It was on the table, um, I think."

Jared stared at him like he was the biggest moron to ever roam the planet because he freaking was. "You let him go back for it alone?"

"He insisted. Said he'd be right back. And it was only … I … went to take a shower, um, I thought – look, I'm really sorry."

Jared ran a hand through his hair and breathed in deeply to try to corral his runaway emotions. "How long ago was this?"

"Um, about, well, an hour." He looked at the clock on the nightstand. "M-more … more now."

Jensen had trouble with directions. Shit, Jensen had _always_ had trouble with directions. In the past it was cute. He got lost all the time. Jensen would call Jared and Jared would laugh and tease and ask how it was he found the bathroom from his bedroom. To which, Jensen would glower (somehow audible via phone) and remind Jared that the rooms were freaking connected and to stop jerking around and tell Jensen how to find wherever it was they were meeting. Jared would ask why he wasn't using the GPS. And he'd hear an adorable pout and Jen would claim he was using it but that the damn thing hated him and took him somewhere else.

But now … he'd forget where the cereal was in the cupboard unless the post-it was up. Once the note fell off and Jared had come down in the morning to find Jensen violently flinging open every cabinet, contents flying, and when Jensen'd finally gotten his hands on the cereal they shook so much as he poured it, the flakes scattered all over the floor. Jared had reached for the broom but Jensen jerked it from his hand, saying he'd clean it up himself with a voice like he'd swallowed acid.

"It was around the corner."

Jared couldn't look at Aaron. Thought that if he laid eyes on him he'd incinerate him with his stare alone. "Did you go look for him?"

"Yes. Well, when he didn't come back and I called and got his voicemail, I went back to the restaurant but they hadn't seen him."

"Did they have his phone?"

"No."

Jared didn't think much of this. The phone could have been lost anywhere. Jensen had gone through three cell phones since the accident. He calmed himself down. Tried to think. What would he tell the police?

His cell phone rang.

"Jared?"

"Jensen! Where are you? Are you okay?"

" 'M fine. Didn't have … don't know Aaron's number. I … lost my cell phone."

"Jen. Please. Where are you?"

Jared heard music, chatter. And suddenly … " _Omigod,_ _omigod ,_ _omigod_. You're … you're Jensen Ackles! Patty, I told you it was _him_!"

There was rustling, sounded like Jensen was trying to shush someone. "Can't hear … what did you say?"

"Where are you?" Jared shouted. "I'll come get you."

"Club … don't know. Shit, they're all coming over now. I gotta go. Can't deal …"

"Jen. No. Give me a name. Please, the club's name."

There was more commotion. A strange voice came on. " 'Lo?"

"Who's this?"

"Marty. I tend bar here. Your friend said he needs a lift. He drunk? Seems out of it."

"No. He's not. He's … sick. Please, I'm on my way. Please, take care of him. Get him out of the crowd. Where are you? I'll be right there."

Marty gave him the address and Jared took off never looking back at Aaron.

The paparazzi beat him to it. Of fucking course.

Camera flashes went off in his face as he walked into the crowded club. He didn't give a shit about himself but he didn't want photos of Jensen, supposedly partying, all over the damn tabloids. Doing his best to ignore the vultures he entered the pulsating room and fought his way to the bar, asking for Marty. He was pointed to the other bartender, a young, skinny guy with long brown hair tied up in a neat band in the back.

"Marty? I'm Jared. We spoke a few minutes ago about Jensen. Where is he?"

"He left."

Jared's eyes widened and his breath caught. "What? You let him go?"

"Hey, all I did was call him a cab. He said he wanted to go home. Look, man, I heard what happened. I watch your show. I'm sorry about your co-star. But he was okay, really, just didn't want to deal with the groupies, wanted to go home."

Jared put his hand through his hair and forced a smile on his face for this nice young man who accidently got in the middle of Jared's fucked up existence. He reached in his pocket and pulled out a hundred and pushed it into the bartender's hand. "Thank you. Really. Is there another exit I can use?"

Marty led him out the fire entrance and Jared made his way back to his car praying that Jensen would be home when he got there.

He entered the house calling Jensen's name.

" 'M here," came a voice from the couch.

Jared stopped with his back against the door and felt himself start to breathe again.

Three quick steps put him in front of Jensen who was sprawled out on the couch holding a beer he wasn't supposed to be drinking.

"Hey," Jared said even though Jensen had yet to look at him.

"Hey."

"I met Marty." At Jensen's blank look, Jared added, "The bartender that called you the cab tonight."

Jensen put the bottle back to his lips. "Yeah. Nice kid."

Jared fought back his reaction to those full lips dragging at the bottle's narrow end and watched Jensen's throat rolling as the liquid worked its way down. The mussed bedspread flashed in his head and his stomach clenched. "So, we gotta get you a new cell phone."

"Looks like."

Jared alternated between feet, unsure what to do next. He couldn't quite believe the next words out of his mouth. "So, do you want to call Aaron? He's probably worried about you. Or have you done so already?"

"No."

"No, you haven't called him or no—"

"No. Just - No. Jared, look, I know you mean well. And I'm sorry I had to bother you. I shouldn'ta called you. Was stupid of me. Let's just not talk, okay? I'd rather not."

Jensen shifted his legs back to the floor and stood up. He put the beer on the table and disappeared into his bedroom. A few minutes later he came out holding a yellow post-it and without looking at Jared he grabbed the phone.

Jared didn't know if he should leave. Frankly, he was too numb to move.

"Aaron? I'm sorry, man. I got … turned around and couldn't find my way back. I have trouble remembering things since my accident." Jared could only hear one half of the conversation. Again he thought he should leave. Shouldn't listen. But he didn't move. "Yeah. Sure. No, it's cool." Jensen leaned into the phone a little, pressing it slightly tighter to his ear. He laughed, breath light. "Yeah, me too. Definite rain check. I'll call you."

Jared felt red heat flick up his spine.

Returning the phone to its charging base Jensen turned suddenly and eyed him curiously. "Dude, you okay?" The Dean-like rasp in Jensen's voice unnerved. It had been a while since Jared heard it.

But it was for the best because he responded with Sam's control. "Fine."

Tight. Crisp. In complete control.

– – –

Jared lay in bed, staring at the ceiling.

Hours had passed and he hadn't moved, hadn't slept, hadn't been able to relax his racing brain. Remembering.

The morning after spending the night in Jared's bed, Jensen had awakened softly and looked at Jared with bare, warm eyes.

Jared had smiled, groggy himself, and for that second he'd forgotten. His lips moved of their own accord toward Jensen's but before the barest of contact Jensen shuddered and jumped up.

"I shouldn't ... I shouldn't be ..."

And he'd run out of the room before Jared could even stop feeling the warmth of Jensen's breath against his lips.

That had been over a week ago.

Kate had said that perhaps Jensen had been embarrassed at their intimacy. Or at his own vulnerability.

Now Jared wasn't so sure. Because maybe it was time to get his head out of his ass and start living with what is and forget what was.

The Jensen he fell in love with was gone.

Aaron's room with its neutral tones and all-white bedding shimmered behind his eyes. The indentation on the bed of where someone had lain mocked him. He saw them entwined together, blue eyes on green ones, lips locking amidst the snowy setting.

The sound of a toilet flushing shattered his thoughts. Jensen was awake. Jared flung himself up and walked downstairs, not sure what he was doing. Obsessed with only one thing.

Knowing.

Jensen walked out of his bathroom and stopped. He didn't look particularly surprised that Jared stood in his doorway.

"Did you fuck him?"

"Jared ..."

"I deserve an answer."

"Why? Because we had one fuck buddy weekend? I don't owe you jack squat."

Jared staggered. Maybe he was a fucking girl because that weekend had meant more to him than ... and to have it reduced to. Nothing. "Is that all it was to you? All _I_ am?"

Jensen's face softened briefly but then a flash of frustration darkened his complexion. "I don't ... I don't remember it ... _Goddammit_." He raked his hand over his mouth. A Dean tell. When he faced Jared again his eyes were steady and unreadable. "No, I didn't fuck him."

This should have been a good thing. It was after all, what Jared had wanted to hear.

Jared nodded once, curt and sharp. Sam's nod.

He turned and walked out, stopping at the liquor cabinet, forgoing the glass and simply taking the bottle back to his bedroom with him.

Sometime after that Jared finally fell asleep.

And the dream came.

 _No._ _Jensen!_ _Nononono_.

Jensen's name wrenched out of him so harsh he jolted awake and his throat felt scraped raw.

He sat up bewildered and shuddering until the bed creaked and settled and he fell into Jensen's strong grip. This wasn't ... Jensen didn't want him. Didn't want them. He should let go, shouldn't hold on. Except ... Jensen was alive and holding him, warm and breathing. He hung on because he didn't know how to let go and pressed his lips against Jensen's shoulder and murmured his name brokenly.

"It's okay. I got you. I'm not going anywhere."

Jared looked up slightly, tried to catch Jensen's eyes. "You don't remember."

"No. Not ... _everything_. But I remember enough."

"Aaron ... ?"

Jensen let out a soft mirthless chuckle. "Is an airhead. Always was. He's going back to L.A. 'S where he belongs." Jensen shifted back further, looked at Jared hard. "Jay, I'm sorry. I was mad at myself and I let it out on you. You've been ... you've been here for me this whole fucking time, man, and I ... I never even said thank you."

"I think you just did." He let himself just look at Jensen and swallowed hard to calm himself. He knew everything had to be showing in his eyes but he was too worn-out to care. He placed his hand on Jensen's wrist. "Stay, please. I promise I won't molest you." He aimed for lighter at the end, was afraid it just came out pathetic.

But Jensen smiled and eased Jared down to his pillow, pulling his arm until it draped around Jensen from behind. "Dean would hate this," he said sleepily.

Jared smiled while letting his eyes droop shut. "Good thing he's not here, then."

– – –

Jared awoke the next morning to something hard and warm and really pretty amazing pressing up behind him, nestling into the crack of his ass through his thin pajama bottoms. _Jensen_. Really slowly he edged around expecting to see his sleeping face.

Bright eyes stared at him inches away. This near, every color in Jensen's gorgeous eyes was distinct, like standing nose-close to an Impressionist painting. The greens speckled with browns, making him think of moss growing over a rich golden brown soil.

Jared stayed preternaturally still afraid any movement would make Jen bolt. Sunshine leaked in through the curtains, reflecting off Jensen's cheekbones and highlighting the smattering of gold-kissed freckles that Jared remembered tasting individually. They dusted his nose which Jared's gaze followed down to sinfully plump lips that were starting to lift up in the corners into a small smile.

Jared said nothing. It was enough just to be privileged with looking and laying so close he could distinguish the almond scent from the milder vanilla off Jensen's skin. And knowing that they'd slept in the same bed. Again. Time seemed to stand still. Jared kept expecting Jensen to run away.

But he didn't.

Jensen's hand rose so slowly it took a second for Jared to realize he'd even been moving but his fingertips were touching the outline of Jared's face like a blind person attempting to see.

Jared shut his eyes because he thought that both looking and feeling this would make his eyes give away everything and scare Jensen.

Jensen's fingers were dancing gently over Jared's face and his voice was as soft as a child blowing out a candle. "You are _so_ hot."

Jared froze. That's _exactly_ what Jensen said, exactly _how_ he'd said it, on that Friday night that had electrified Jared's world. He opened his eyes because he had to know who was saying it this time. Jensen gazed back at him with the same slightly quizzical look he'd had that night. Like it was surprising him to be saying this, to be noticing it. Like something had changed in Jared since the last time Jensen had blinked and Jensen was having trouble figuring out what that was.

That night, Jensen had shoved Jared up against a wall and proceeded to kiss him until Jared's knees started to buckle.

Jensen continued to run his fingers over Jared's face and was tracing a thin line around Jared's wide lips. "Got a mouth made for kissing."

Jared choked back his laugh because. Just because. And nipped at Jensen's finger as it played with his lips. Jensen smiled. A lazy, sexy, come hither smile that matched the one that had preceded the wall throwing … and Jensen's lips were on his, soft and warm and teasing. Jared held back, still afraid, he didn't think he could take it if Jensen flipped on him again. If he pushed him away.

But the lips pressing against his weren't shying away, they were getting bolder and he felt Jensen's tongue teasing at the part between his lips, making a lazy stripe, left to right, tasting along the way and he heard the throaty groan that he knew was the start of Jensen starting to go hungry and he got so hard, so fast, he was afraid Jen would feel the heat even though they weren't touching there.

Except Jensen shifted again and suddenly the contact was fuller, deeper and he felt the jab of Jensen's cock push against his own erection and all attempts at holding back evaporated. He opened his lips and let Jensen's tongue move quickly inside and he pulled Jensen tighter and kissed back and felt the hole in his heart start to fill with each slide of his tongue. He pulled back to shift angles and bit gently along Jensen's full, gorgeous, fuckable lower lip. This earned him another hoarse moan, and encouraged, he let his tongue follow the nip and tucked back inside to taste Jensen again. He explored his mouth more slowly this time, roaming through soft gums and hard ridges and straight hard teeth.

Jensen moved off his lips to bring his teeth against Jared's jaw where he bit and licked his way along the edge toward Jared's ear, twirling his tongue against the hard swirls causing Jared's breath to catch and his head to twist quickly grabbing Jensen's head in tight for another long, devouring kiss.

He kept moving off to taste another part, lick at the freckles and bite the tip of Jensen's nose and gnaw on those lips that were getting puffy and red from kissing, from _Jared_ but then Jensen's mouth drew him in, always, and he'd fuck back into it in hot, desperate strokes and moan as their dicks mashed and only drew in a fresh breath when not doing so approached dangerous.

Jensen sighed into his neck and Jared tilted his head to give him better access and Jensen kissed him there, wet, open-mouthed, hard, sucking in his skin as he inhaled. Jensen ran his hands through Jared's hair and slowly lifted himself back up to face him.

Jared stared at Jensen's thoroughly kissed out face and thought beautiful didn't begin to cover this and he could tell Jensen looked like he wanted to say something. Only what he did say was the last thing Jared could have possibly been expecting to hear.

"I think there's someone at the door."

That's when Jared heard it. The doorbell. Persistent and loud and shattering.

"Yeah," he said, trying to shake free from the spell of Jensen's mesmerizing green stare. "I hear it."

The phone rang. Seemed like someone was really trying to reach him. Reluctantly he reached behind him for his phone and said hello.

"You guys home? Your car's in the driveway."

"Eric?"

Jensen's eyes widened and locked with his in shocked surprise.

"I'm outside. Think I can come in?"

– – –

Eric Kripke and Bob Singer stood in the doorway. Jared swung the door wide signaling they should enter, wondering what the hell they were doing here and why didn't they call, you know, more than two seconds before arriving?

As soon as he'd hung up telling Eric that he'd been in bed and to please give him fifteen minutes, he looked back to Jensen and braced himself for some sort of huge pull back. But Jen looked at him calmly and asked what he thought Eric wanted.

"Don't know. If I had to guess I'd say we're both unemployed."

Jensen nodded acceptingly at this.

Because they had no time and because Jared's heart was about to jump out of his body he plain out asked. "I gotta know Jen. Did this happen?"

He knew Jensen wouldn't ask what he meant.

"Jay. I know you wish … I don't know how it was before. I don't remember anything from right around the accident. Doctors say that may never come back." He looked at a point over Jared's shoulder. "So, if, look, I get that you miss the … old me. So, if it's not like you remember. If I'm not what you want anymore then—"

Jared couldn't let this continue one second longer and grabbed Jensen in for another soul-filling kiss. Tongues, lips, teeth mashing up tight and desperate and crushing again. "You. This." Jared pulled back so that Jensen could see his eyes. "Is all I will ever want."

Jensen didn't say anything, eyes unreadable but his lips were red and slightly swollen from their makeout session.

With a laugh that Eric could probably hear from outside, Jared kissed Jensen's delectable mouth hard and fast and told him that he'd better hurry up and get dressed so that Eric could fire their respective asses.

"Jensen?"

Jensen paused in the doorway and turned around as Jared rummaged through a dresser for fresh underwear. Without turning around Jared said, "Lose the post-it."

"Which one?"

"With Aaron's number."

And without missing a beat Jensen replied, "Who?" before heading downstairs to his room.

Still smiling slightly from that memory Jared walked Eric and Bob into the living room. He offered them coffee and disappeared into the kitchen to make some.

Putting the coffee into the filter he thought that it was nice of Eric to feel the need to fly out here to let them know in person that the show was finished. He knew he should be feeling sad about this, disconcerted to have to start over and face the unknown again. But he wasn't. There were too many other emotions flooding him at present and worrying about his career just didn't have the magnitude it once had. Not when the feel of Jensen's lips was still so fresh in his mind.

He knew it was avoidance but he let the dogs into the yard and returned to the kitchen and watched the coffee drip out and busied himself getting mugs and sugar and pouring milk into a small pitcher and setting it on a tray. Voices drifted toward him and he heard Jensen join Bob and Eric and started pouring before the coffee finished dripping because he didn't want to leave Jensen to face them alone.

He handed a mug to Jensen who gave him such an achingly familiar grateful look it felt for a moment like the accident hadn't happened.

Eric got right to it. "You heard about the Save _Supernatural_ campaign?"

Jared nodded. "Yeah. We've always had the best fandom. I hate that we'll be disappointing them."

Bob looked at him. "What do you mean?"

Jared said, "Well, we figured you flew out here to tell us that we got cancelled."

Eric laughed high and just slightly manic. Jensen met his eyes with an open _what_ _the_ _fuck?_ gaze and Jared shrugged. He had nothing.

"The network's waiting on us. They'll let us start late and end late." Eric saw their blank looks and exclaimed, "Season five is green-lighted boys! We're going to start with _Levee_ , they're going to air it in the summer as a season-ending special. Then Lucifer Rising will become the new season premiere, sometime in the very late fall."

Jared blinked. "But … how?"

Bob said deadpan, as was his way. "Salt."

Jensen looked at him. "What?"

Eric answered by tossing each of them small salt packets. His voice was higher than usual. "The fans mailed salt packets to the CW heads. Millions of them. It's sodium central station over there!"

Jared laughed as his fingers tightened on the small packet in his hand. But his smile disappeared as he looked at Jensen and saw his fear hiding behind a practiced interview smile.

**Chapter 8**

The second the door shut behind the pleased-as-punch producers Jared turned to Jensen and said, "What?"

Jensen avoided looking at him. The wall was already up and it hurt to see it. He'd felt so close to Jen that morning that thinking about renewing that horrible distance between them made him ache. He had to try, even knowing how hard it was to reach Jensen when he retreated.

"Jensen, please, talk to me."

"What's to say? I didn't want to disappoint Eric and so I didn't get into it …" He stopped and rubbed his jaw. Jared watched fascinated as Dean's eyes started to form from behind Jensen's warmth. Measured, calculating, reserved. Not Dean, he reminded himself. Just Jensen. It was always all Jensen.

"You don't want to do the show anymore?"

"It's not a matter of what I want."

"Then what is it?"

Eyes like polished emeralds, Jensen glared at him uncompromisingly. "It's dollars and cents."

Jared looked on confused. Jensen sighed. "How many takes will make production untenable, do you think? How many missed lines before Bob or Phil or Eric realize this can't be done – not on our budget, in any case."

"Your memory issues?"

Jensen smiled but it was far from humorous. "Jared. We both know I'll never remember my lines. And unless we think our viewers are going to understand why post-its are part of every seedy motel room décor then this just isn't gonna happen." He raked his hands through his hair. "Maybe we can still give them some sort of ending. They'll have to kill off Dean is all. Only this time it'll hafta stick."

Jared felt a lead ball settle in his gut. He wanted to argue, to say it wasn't so. But only Jensen knew the extent of his short-term memory problem. Jared couldn't downplay this. Still he had to ask, "What's Rachel say about this?"

"We're working on it. There's been some improvement. But it's slow and the more time passes the less improvement we can expect."

Jared nodded and looked down. He remembered the pilot script and reading lines with Jensen. It had felt so right. "You remembered your lines from the pilot …" Suddenly, he remembered how that had ended – with Jensen throwing up.

Jensen understood. He clearly was also remembering more than just the line reading because he turned slightly away. "That was different. That dialogue is in my long-term memory, I guess. And we rehearsed those lines so many times …"

Jared looked at Jensen, feeling infinitely sad. "If you can't … if you decide not to act … then what will you do?"

Jensen stared past Jared. "Chris invited me to tour with him if I want. I can sing backup. My guitar playing came back."

"It did?" Jared hadn't known that. He was rewarded with a smile.

"Yep." Jensen looked slightly embarrassed. "Been practicing when you're at Kate's. Not sure if I'll be able to learn anything new but old stuff's still in here." He tapped his head with his finger.

Jared didn't know what to say. Jensen felt he could only play when Jared was out … So if Jensen went touring with Kane and Jared was stuck filming in Vancouver – assuming anyone would want to complete the series without Dean, which was highly unlikely, then whatever tiny beginning they'd made this morning was about to disintegrate as they went their separate ways.

Without looking Jensen in the eyes he picked up the dog leashes. "I'm going for a run."

– – –

"They want us back."

Rachel crossed one leg over the other slowly. She tended to keep all her moves easy and deliberate and practiced. Jensen didn't know if it was part of her psychologist act or just the way she was. He studied her steady gaze. He'd like to think it was just the way she was.

"The show?"

"Yep. That crazy fan campaign did the trick." He chuckled despite himself. "They inundated the network offices with salt."

"And that worked?" She couldn't keep the touch of incredulity out of her voice.

He smiled. His was really a crazy business. The smile vanished. Except it wasn't his business any more.

"What are you thinking?" she probed gently.

His eyes met hers. What was the point of lying? "I was remembering the first play I did. Well, probably not my first ever, but the first one that mattered. _West_ _Side_ _Story._ In high school."

"It still matters to you."

Wasn't a question but he nodded yes anyway. "I miss it."

"I know you do. "

"Playing Dean. Building a character like that from the ground up. The reaction we got. It was good. I was … I was proud."

"You should be. You're very good."

"You mean I _was_ good."

"Doctor Johnson has spoken to you about a new medication. Have you started it yet?"

"This morning."

"Well, it needs to build up in your system. But the initial clinical results were very positive about helping with the anteretrograde amnesia. Remember we talked about increasing protein levels in your brain?"

He nodded. The medical speak was goobly-gook to him. And he didn't hold much stock in this pill doing anything. He'd pretty much resigned himself to a life of post-it notes from now on. Still, losing his profession, his craft, the thing he'd worked toward since he was a teen. It hurt. And left him bitter and pissed and was going to cost him … _everything_.

As if reading the direction his mind was taking she asked, "Have you spoken to Jared about this?"

"Jared needs to get on with his life. His career. He's sacrificed too much already."

Dr. Anders looked at him steadily. "I'm not sure Jared would agree with your characterization that his actions are a sacrifice."

He raked his hair. "No. He wouldn't. Because that's how he is. But I know. He's young. He's good. The sooner he puts this … curse … behind him, the sooner he takes on new work. Forgets about us …"

He felt his face flush slightly. It was stupid to lie to her, but he hadn't intended on speaking about what happened between them in bed that other morning. It hadn't happened again and he still wasn't sure what to make of it. It had felt more right than anything he'd ever remembered before. But now Jared looked at him with more sadness than he could bear.

No.

Best to make a clean break and let the kid move on. Meet someone else. Someone not fucked up beyond all measure.

"Something happened." Rachel's voice was soft, understanding.

He avoided her eyes and nodded softly.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"He had that nightmare again. I … heard him shouting my name. He dreams I die." Not all that far from the truth. "I wanted to help, because it's my fault ... We ended up sleeping together. Just sleeping. Nothing more." He stopped. Her gaze was calm and warm and understanding.

After a moment she broke Jensen's silence. "It got intimate." She knew. She always seemed to just know.

"In the morning. I looked at him and … I don't know … it's like I suddenly saw him for the first time all over again. How … beautiful he is."

"Don't be embarrassed."

He met her eyes. He was many things but not ashamed. Not for thinking Jared beautiful. "I'm not. He is. Gorgeous. And funny. And special. And I've always known this. Knew it the first time he shook my hand and burst into this huge dimpled grin that makes the world brighter. And, yeah, it's hokey but it's the truth. Anyone who knows him would say the same thing."

She waited for him to continue. He didn't know how to explain the rest to her. "Jensen. You're both attracted to each other. Care for each other. Why does it feel like you're fighting this?"

How to explain that it was for all the reasons he was attracted to Jared that he needed to do the right thing. "I have to let him go."

"Why do you think this?"

"I already told you. He deserves … I'll just hold him back. I already am."

"Are you letting him go for his sake, Jensen? Or for your own?"

He jerked his eyes back at her at this question. What the hell did that mean? But she shook her head softly. "Never mind. Let's talk about the show again. Do you need to decide you can't do it before attempting it? What would happen if you agree to simply allow them to finish the final episode?"

"What do you mean?"

"You already told me that the last episode of the season was almost complete. That you were, in fact, filming the final scene when you had your accident. One scene, Jensen. What if you allowed yourself that much to see what it would be like. Not to prejudge your ability but experience it instead."

Prejudge? He supposed it was true to say that he'd been doing this. But he couldn't remember things. Without the damn notes he left himself all over, he'd be completely useless. It could be a disaster. He could fail. Spectacularly. Make an idiot of himself.

But if he did this, he could act again. With Jared.

One last time.

– – –

He agreed to finish filming _When_ _the_ _Levee_ _Breaks_. Their stunt doubles would do all stunts. That part was nonnegotiable and really nobody was fighting it. Jensen was pretty sure this wasn't going to work. He wasn't that person anymore. He felt like a fraud. A pretender. All because he happened to look like the guy who played Dean Winchester.

Jared, of course, was ridiculously happy. Jensen knew that Jared tried to curb his enthusiasm around him but from the moment he'd approached Jared tentatively about maybe trying to at least finish season four, Jared had started grinning and couldn't seem to stop.

Jensen had to remember some moves and one line. One lousy line.

"Let's run through it again," Jared said keeping his voice neutral.

Once the decision was made, Jared immediately suggested they run through the scene. He cleared some space in their living room, moving the coffee table flush against the sofa.

Jensen had forgotten what he was supposed to say seven times in a row. Not that he was counting. Eric had said that in the end if they got a good take where Jensen said part of it, or even was silent, he'd go with it. He said the line didn't matter that much.

But it did.

It was a reprise of their father's last words to Sam before he took off for Stanford. Dean saying it was significant and absolutely made the difference in Sam's future actions. He remembered enough about his profession and drama in general to know that the scene, the episode, revolved around that one line. Uttered by him at the right time.

Assuming he remembered the damn thing.

Jensen laid down on the floor. Jared straddled him loosely. By unspoken agreement actual contact was kept at a minimum. Sam chokes Dean in the episode but now he didn't touch him, Jared just placed his hands gently near his neck. The straddling was weird enough and Jensen fought his body's reaction to Jared hovering over him. Then suddenly Sam pulled away, disgusted.

Jared stood menacingly over him, face tight. "You don't know me. You never did. You never will."

Jensen looked up. "You left out the 'and'.

Jared blinked, face instantly back to his normal relaxed state, although at this point, also a little confused. "What?"

"I think it's ' _And_ you never will.'"

Jared burst out laughing. He was beside himself. Uncontrollable. Tears started sliding down his cheeks.

Jensen pursed his lips and sat up. "What the heck, dude?"

Between sucked in breaths Jared eked out, "You can't remember your one stupid line, yet you notice that I forgot one lousy word in mine."

Put that way it was sort of funny and Jensen let himself feel a moment of humor. It felt good to laugh. He hadn't done so in a long time. And laughing with Jared was its own kind of pleasure. He wished Jared were straddling him again. Fought it back. No. Jared needed to move on.

Jensen laid back down. Resumed his starting position. "Let's do it again."

They went through the action again and Sam stood up and walked away, uttered his final hateful words.

Jensen dug deep inside for Dean. Brought him forward, out, let him breathe. "You walk out that door, don't you come back ever."

"That was good, Jen."

Jensen blinked. It felt good. But he wasn't sure it was right. He rose and grabbed the post-it from the table containing the line. Damn.

"Jensen, it was close enough. I fucked up on one word, too. Big deal."

" _Ever_ come back." He didn't know who he was saying it to. Or even why. It didn't matter because by the time he was on the set he'd forget it all over again.

Jared was in front of him, close before he realized what was happening. And then soft lips touched his own. He let the word _mistake_ flitter for a moment in his mind but ultimately was unable to pull away because Jared tasted so good and everything he felt under his fingers was hard and warm and _Jared_. Damn. He reached up and sank his finger's in the soft hairs at the nape of Jared's neck and pulled him down tighter, deepening the kiss.

Jared's soft moan travelled straight to his crotch and their hips started moving toward each other. He slanted his head for better access and opened his mouth, sucking at Jared's full lower lip. More moaning, only this time he suspected it was coming from him. Jared's hand was traveling down his spine, kneading muscles along the way while his tongue snaked deep inside his mouth. Jensen pulled back slightly to breathe and muttered a curse before diving into Jared's neck with an open-mouthed kiss, licking and sucking on the soft, clean skin before sliding his lips back over Jared's stubbly jaw to seize his lips again.

Jared's hands kept creeping down until they cupped Jensen's ass through his jeans and drew him tight against his erection, and Jensen ground back into him with a throaty moan. Jared's breath caught and then Jared was simultaneously kissing and nibbling and sucking and murmuring words …

Jensen pulled back.

"Jen?"

Jensen wasn't sure what he'd heard but it just … it just was suddenly too much.

"We … we should keep working." It was lame but he didn't know what else to say.

"I'm sorry. Is it … the brother thing again? I thought that was—"

"No. It's not that. I don't feel that. Don't be sorry. The problem isn't wanting you … I just … shouldn't …" _Dammit_. Jensen felt tears start to build behind his eyes. What was wrong with him?

Embarrassed, he didn't look at Jared, instead turned and walked into his bedroom shutting the door behind him.

He sank into his bed and tried to calm his raging emotions. Jared deserved better. It all came down to that. Jared was … amazing. And so giving. And Jensen was empty. Drained. Done. The kid deserved someone who wasn't broken. The tears subsided and he pulled his hand over his jaw.

Resolve flooded over him, steely and hard. It cut blade-like, but the pain helped. This was something he suspected he and his alter ego shared. Pain made them stronger. Pain made them feel. Because they understood it. You did what you had to do to save lives. To protect yourself. And those you love. He would finish this season.

And leave.

– – –

There was cheering when they walked back on set and as much as Jared knew that the regard was warm and genuine he looked immediately toward Jensen's lowered head and worried that the attention would prove too much. Instinctively, he took over, hugging old friends and murmuring to them that Jensen needed some space and that they were both really happy to see everyone but that less was more right now.

Word spread quickly and folks kept back.

Jensen disappeared into his trailer and Jared finished the meet and greet, letting everyone know how much their well-wishes were appreciated, and yes, Jensen was doing better, and they were both really happy to be back at work. Until finally he was able to slip away.

"Hey."

Jensen sat propped up on the bed, thumbing the TV remote although it wasn't on. Sides for today's shoot lay next to him on the bed. "Hey."

"Everyone's real happy to have you back, man."

"Yeah. I … Thanks for running interference. I'll get to everyone. Just not all at once, you know?"

Jared smiled. This was so quintessential Jensen. "Yeah. I know."

He looked at Jensen and tried to quell the immediate desire. Couldn't help it even when Jensen was clearly working at keeping Jared at a distance. Although Jared didn't know why and hated it. More than that – if he let himself think about it – it terrified him. They hadn't touched since the kiss. Jared knew he probably shouldn't have done that … but … it's not like Jensen didn't react. Hell, the problem wasn't lack of desire. Jared felt itchy around the edges, like he knew what was wrong but couldn't get to it.

Kate gave the usual 'give it time' speech when he'd spoken to her about this. Reminded him about the injury. Right. Like Jared needed reminder.

But Jensen's wall was back up higher and thicker than ever. Even at his sexually repressed worst it was never like this. He'd stopped calling him Jay. He'd gone back to flinching when Jared slipped and shortened his name. Jared saw Dean more and more when he looked into Jensen's eyes. Jared liked to think it was just nerves about working again. Preparation to get it right. Jensen was a perfectionist before the accident and that was certainly still in place. Except Dean was handy for lots of things that kept Jared at bay.

Jared broke the silence. "We should head to makeup."

Jensen looked up at this and finally met his gaze straight on. His eyes darkened and his brow furrowed. Jared felt a moment of alarm and then Jensen spoke, voice like he'd swallowed tar, "You walk out that door, don't you _ever_ come back."

Right after, Jensen hopped off the bed, blinked, relaxed his facial muscles, and gave Jared a heart-stopping smile.

Jared laughed heartily. He reached out and squeezed Jen's shoulder because it was impossible not to touch. "That. Was perfect!"

An even bigger smile filled Jensen's face and Jared's world.

– – –

Rehearsal went well. They picked up where Dean was on the floor following his flight through the screen. Todd and Mike were going to film that next. Jared planned on being as far away from the set as he could for that. Then he and Jensen were scheduled to return in the afternoon and film their final scene.

He glanced around the relatively clean hotel room set, eyes falling on the spot where … No. He had to keep his head in the game and do this right. For Jensen.

Jared pretended to choke his brother with out-of-control demon-blood anger and then walked to the door leaving him gasping on the ground. Jared spat out his last line about Dean never knowing him and flinched appropriately as Dean repeated Dad's parting words. Jensen flubbed the line once but then hit it dead on two more times.

Bob came over beaming. "Guys. You look good. How's it feel?"

Jared stayed quiet and swallowed down a sudden flush of emotion. Working with Jensen again? It felt fantastic. Jensen didn't seem to notice Jared's tongue-tied moment and answered quickly. "Feels real good, Bob."

He took a chance and glanced at Jensen who turned at that second and met his eyes.

Yeah. Real good.

Amanda, their second A.D. came over. "Okay. We need to dress the set with the broken glass and debris." She looked down at her clipboard. "Jensen, we'll come get you for final makeup."

Jensen headed back to his trailer saying he wanted to spend the time concentrating and practicing his memory techniques to help him recall the line. Jared knew Jen was still really worried about this turning into a disaster. Respecting his need for privacy, Jared walked away saying he'd meet him back on set.

Too excited to sit still he started wandering about, greeting people he hadn't seen in weeks and assuring everyone that his back was fine and that Jensen was doing well. In the end he wandered to craft services in search of a snack.

It was easy to start gabbing with old friends and Jared was surprised by how much time had passed before he was told to head to makeup and let Shannon add some bruises from their vicious fight. She ended up having to work on his hair further to make it match the way it looked the last time they'd filmed weeks ago and consequently he was a few minutes late arriving back on set.

Jensen was already there waiting.

Jared knew, of course, that Sam had the upper hand in this fight. That essentially, he'd win. But nothing prepared him for the sight of Jensen lying among a pile of wood and plaster chunks and glass. A bed of shards. Bleeding. Hardly moving.

_No._

Jensen popped up quickly, hand on Jared's shoulder. "Jay?"

Up close the fake blood looked less real. He could see the layers of makeup creating the bruises. Jared swallowed hard and took a deep breath and forced himself to pull it together. "I … Just seeing you. 'S okay now. Just, surprised me. I'm good."

Jensen smiled at him. "We can do this, right?"

Jared forced a smile on his face. "Absolutely. Nobody fights like the Winchester brothers."

Bob called for quiet and they each took up their marks. Dean on the ground, broken. Sam standing over him, enraged.

"Action."

_Did the other guy get it worse?_

Jared was back staring at frightened green eyes looking at him helpless from a gurney. He'd done this. Sam had done this …

"Cut! Um. I know it's been a while but action usually means it's time to start."

Jensen stood. Looked at Jared who remained motionless. "Give us five minutes?"

Bob motioned okay to Jensen.

Jared felt himself being led away. There was no privacy, not with a full crew surrounding them. But Jensen had drawn him a little away.

"Jared. I can't do this without you."

The words broke through his inner haze. Those same green eyes were looking at him expectantly. Jared had pushed for this. Had urged Jensen to take a chance. To believe in himself. That he could do this. Keep his craft. And he was so good. Jared couldn't let him lose this chance.

"I'm sorry. Dude, I'm so sorry. I … I'll be there for you. I will."

Jensen's eyes softened. "I get how weird this is. Easier for me, I guess. I don't remember anything."

For the first time Jared envied Jensen's memory loss.

Enough. He was an actor. This was his job. Jensen's job. He looked at his friend. "I'm gonna need Dean."

Jensen smiled at this. "He'll be right here."

– – –

Jared was pleased. It had been hard keeping the pretend and the reality from merging, but he'd done it. Been a professional. Jensen, of course, nailed it. Not that this surprised him. He hung around as they shot Jen's angle of his final line and marveled at how low and hoarse and hurt he was able to get his voice. Sam had his growl pretty down, but Dean took it to another depth altogether.

He smiled remembering Misha's joking at Castiel's and Dean's gravel-voice pissing match.

Jensen was worn when they'd wrapped. He'd flashed a satisfied smile at Jared and moved in close to given him a private 'thanks' before they headed to wardrobe.

It was a quiet ride home, and as soon as they were in the door Jensen said he was going to shower.

"Sure. How about I order in? Chinese? I'm starved."

"Go for it." Jensen called over his shoulder, already at his bedroom door.

It would be about thirty minutes till the food arrived, and Jared grabbed an apple and a couple cookies, then decided to crash on the couch. Idly he flipped on the TV and started surfing channels.

He'd clicked a couple stations past when his brain caught up with his eyes. That had been a promo shot of Jensen and him on the screen. Jared thumbed the remote backward.

"TMZ obtained this exclusive accident footage. Be advised what you are about to see is graphic … "

On the TV, Jensen smashed into a mirror and then bounced off it to be thrown across the room by _Sam_ , through the divider and Jensen was flying … falling … the thud reverberated from the speakers as Jensen struck the table, then the floor, face first ...

"J—Jen'sn …" Jared struggled to breathe.

His dream. Their fight scene. The slow-motion repeat of the footage on the screen. They blurred until all he could see was Jensen falling _dying_ in a timeless loop.

"Jen … Jensen … _NO!_ God, no …"

Hitting and exploding in a shower of blood as his brain contracted and crunched in his skull. Jared choked him. _Killed_ him. Before holding him as the blood leaked slowly out of Jensen's nose, his ears, down his temple, into glass eyes … staring at him. Empty. _Gone_.

_Jared? What the fuck? Is that my … They aired that? God damn!_

There was a ringing.

_Eric! What the fuck is that? How could that be on TV? I'm watching it now. Fuck. Jared … Jared saw … Whatever, call your lawyers. I have to go … Jay … Jay …_

He thought he heard Jen, which was funny because he just killed Jensen.

He wasn't sure what happened next. He was on the floor and Jensen was gone. Was dead. And it was his fault and nobody knew … nobody knew but him… and maybe he was crying, was wailing, but it didn't matter because nobody heard him. He felt arms around him and looked down and his own arms were encircling himself and he was rocking on the floor and he tried to stop but couldn't because Jensen was … was …

"Jared. Look at me." Hands squeezed his upper arms. He looked up into green pools. They swam for a moment in his vision before fading slowly to lifelessness.

"No. Jen … _No_!"

"Jay, please, I'm right here. I'm fine. It was just footage, not real."

Someone was talking to him. It sounded far away. "Jay … c'mon, man, you're scaring me." One of the hands touching him let go. The noise in the background disappeared. Jared heard an odd little whimpering noise now. Hard to hear over the whimpering. He wanted to tell the whimperer to stop. To shut up so he could listen because …

"Jay. Please. Talk to me. I'm a selfish bastard for asking you … but don't leave me. Please."

A face was coming into focus. "You died."

"I know. I'm sorry. I wish—I'm so sorry."

Something shifted.

Jared shuddered and pulled back, Jen's hands still on his arms. He took a deep breath and suddenly the room was very quiet.

"Jen?"

"Right here."

"Why am I on the floor?"

Jensen smiled weakly. "You kinda freaked out."

He nodded because this made an odd sort of sense in a world with no logic. He felt _wrong_ about something. Something important. Something he was missing and had to fix. Something Jensen had said but he couldn't, didn't know …

He met Jensen's eyes. Alive and caring, looking at him with lingering worry. He stood slowly, Jensen moving with him. As soon as he was up his eyes hit the now-black TV and his memory flooded.

"Oh god."

Jensen turned and followed his gaze to the screen. Said urgently, "Look at me. I'm right here. I'm fine."

And then Jared remembered.

"You're not dead."

Jensen grinned softly, but it didn't reach his eyes.

Jared needed himself to be understood. "No. Before. I _heard_ you. And it's not the first time. And it's me. I'm making you feel this way because … you think I don't want—And maybe I didn't. Maybe at first I was too stupid to realize. But I was _wrong_."

He looked back at the screen. Saw death. Felt the heart-crushing finality of his dream. A shiver crept up his spine and tears fell and he didn't give a damn because if he didn't say this now he might never say it and nothing would be wronger than that.

Jensen looked at him puzzled now. Jared put his hands on Jen's upper arms and held on and spoke from that part of him where absolute truth lived. "Both our shrinks would tell me I'm moving too fast and you're not ready and, shit, maybe I'm not ready, but … I love _you_. I love who you are this second, standing right here. Not the person on that screen." His head tilted back before locking eyes again on Jensen. "You didn't die. In my nightmare I lose you. I _really_ lose you. And that's where I got confused. But you're still here. With me. And if you weren't—I don't—You aren't dead. Jensen you're right here. You're _not_ dead."

His knees felt weak and he huffed in air through a clogged throat. Jensen drew him in. He didn't say anything but his breath was warm against his neck and he didn't let go and he squeezed tight.

"Say it," Jared whispered into his ear.

It was silent a moment and Jared thought there'd be no response and in truth he didn't even know what he'd asked for.

But Jensen pulled Jared's head deeper into his shoulder and spoke low but clear. "I'm not dead."

And it wasn't everything Jared wanted to hear. But it was a start.

**Chapter 9**

"So. Not a disaster?"

Jensen smiled. "No. Well, not for me at least."

Rachel squirmed slightly. It was noticeable because it wasn't something she did. "Yes. I am aware of the unconscionable release of that video and that Jared viewed it."

Jensen tightened. His anger simmered just under the surface. It was obscene that they aired that on TV, posted it on their fucking website. Even more so that people wanted to see it. It made him feel exposed – like they'd aired his death. He pushed it down, just like he'd been doing since walking out of his bedroom and seeing himself crash head first through a glass table on TV. In repeat slow motion, no less.

Rachel recovered her composure. Part of him was pleased at her discomfort. It was wrong. She should feel it. "I'm going to get back to that video but first, may we speak about Jared a moment?"

"What about him?"

"Doctor Weil, Kate, consulted with me briefly. As I told you, we never discuss clients in any specifics but when there is … intersection … a consult is appropriate … I am aware that you helped your friend through his PTSD incident. Is this something you'd like to talk about?"

Jensen eyed her warily. "There's not much to say. He saw the damn video and kinda … lost it ... I already told you he has that recurring nightmare where I die. Well, I guess he thought … watching that … All I did was tell him I was there."

She stared at him as if expecting more. He didn't know what she wanted and wondered if in fact Kate had shared more. Sure, they said they didn't gab back and forth but who knew what was really said? That violated feeling came back.

"Jensen, did you watch your accident?"

How did she just know everything? He sighed. "Yes."

"Did it bring up any memories?"

"No. Was like it was happening to someone else. To Dean."

She nodded and made a note. He'd gotten to where he stopped staring at all the notes she took. At one point he'd lose himself in watching her write, trying to figure out what he'd just said that warranted capture … but then, often, he'd forget what he'd just said.

"I remembered my line," he said into the silence.

"Did you enjoy working again?"

"Oh yeah. It felt real good. Familiar." Home.

"Have you thought about returning in the summer to film the final season?"

"Yes. I mean, I've thought about it. I just don't know if I can handle a full season. Eric's been great. He's offered to come up with a Dean-light storyline that would lessen my workload. But … I'm not sure. I haven't committed. I've spoken with my agent. There's not much they can do. Contract or no they wouldn't dare force the issue."

Not to mention, a storyline light on Dean meant Jared's work load would become almost unimaginable.

Rachel nodded. "Why not take this hiatus to continue your therapy and reassess your strengths? It's a big decision. And acting with a disability is a challenge. But not insurmountable by any measure. You're talented, Jensen. But there are many ways to use your skills, television is only one of them. In the end, you need to do what's best for you."

When she spoke calmly like this, he remembered why he really liked her. Why they clicked. "I had my folks check out the Dallas facility."

"It's a fantastic center. I've worked with several of the specialists personally and they are top notch. And you and I will continue these sessions by phone as we discussed."

"Yeah. It'll be good to be with my family."

She looked up at this. Studied him a moment. "What will Jared be doing during the hiatus?"

"He's going to L.A. first, I think. Then San Antonio to visit his family. There's also a fan convention somewhere—I forget where."

"Jensen. Do you want to talk about Jared?"

 _No._ "What about him?"

"This will be the first time you'll be apart from him since the accident."

"Yeah. I know. And it's … time. He needs to—he's young. He shouldn't have to take care of—"

He couldn't talk about this. He didn't _want_ to talk about this.

She let it go and drifted into some of the memory-enhancing techniques he would be learning at the new clinic.

He laughed. "I thought that you couldn't teach an old dog new tricks?"

"You hardly an old dog, Jensen. And we know now that the brain keeps growing new cells throughout one's lifetime, despite what was believed in the past. The neuron pathways in your brain can reroute. Essentially, they'll get to the same place, just take a different road."

Jensen looked at her silently. He'd spent a half hour that morning looking for his shirt because he'd forgotten that Paula had done laundry the day before and it was downstairs in the laundry room. After practically demolishing his bedroom he spotted the yellow post-it with the words 'laundry day is Tuesday.' Then he sat among the mess and asked himself why he just didn't choose another shirt and swiped at his damn leaking eyes and looked up to see Jared staring at him in the doorway, and Jensen knew he had to leave.

Couldn't stand that sad stare any longer.

"Jared's gonna be fine." Rachel looked at him when he said this.

"What do you mean?"

"Without me. He'll be fine. Better off. Can meet someone … have a life."

"You want Jared to meet someone else?"

"Yes. This isn't right, what's going on. He shouldn't be taking care of me anymore. I'm better now. Don't need a babysitter."

"Jensen. Do you really think Jared thinks he's babysitting?"

No, of course not. Jared was the most generous person he'd ever met. He'd _never_ think that.

But it didn't mean it wasn't true.

"No. Not like that. But he's put his life on hold. His career. Kid's got such talent, potential. He always wanted more. Wants to be a damn movie star. Me? I just wanted to work. Get roles I could sink my teeth into. Stretch myself." He stopped and met the doctor's eyes. "Rachel, I … he remembers things … _feels_ things that I don't. He's trying to convince himself now that it doesn't matter. That it's enough that I didn't die. But that's not enough. Not enough for him by far. He deserves so much more."

"What does that mean?"

Jensen started at the question. "Jared's …" Funny and warm and sexy and all around wonderful and he couldn't … couldn't goddamn talk about this. "I don't … Look, my emotions are still all over the place. I remember us being best friends. I know there's an attraction—there's more … but what he … he wants things I can't give."

"Jensen, nobody expects you to understand all of your feelings yet." She smiled. "We spend a lifetime understanding our feelings. And feelings change, they can fade, they can grow, it's not just you … it's true for everyone. Give yourself time and just like with acting, don't prejudge. This isn't something you need to decide right now."

He heard her but could not agree. He absolutely had a decision to make. And he needed to make sure Jared understood it.

– – –

"You don't get to decide that for me."

Jensen didn't think this would be easy. Of course, Jared was going to make it impossible.

"Somebody has to."

"What the _hell_ does that mean? You need to be with your family, go to Texas? Fine. I'm not stopping you. I'm _glad_ you're going. You should spend time with your folks, Josh, Mac. But you're not—not controlling my goddamn love life. I'm not going to 'find' someone else. How can you even ask me this?"

"Because you _should_."

Jared stepped back as if he'd been shoved. Jensen looked away from the hurt that flashed on his friend's face. But then Jared's eyes narrowed slightly and filled with resolve. "Bullshit."

Jensen was surprised. "What?"

"This is bullshit. I don't know if you're doing it on purpose or if it's residual from the injury but it doesn't matter either way because you have no fucking idea what you're talking about." Jared's voice rose until he was yelling.

Jensen sighed loudly. Did he say impossible? He meant _fucking_ impossible. Time for the heavy artillery.

"Jared. We had a … weekend together. That's hardly enough to warrant exclusivity. All I'm saying is you should stay open to all possibilities during this … break."

Jared was silent a moment, pulling into himself. Quietly he asked, "You, too?"

"Huh?"

"Will you be … dating?"

Jensen let it hang. He knew this was all he needed to force the decision. And it was the right thing to do. He was doing it for Jared. But then he made the mistake of looking up and staring into a pair of piercing, hurting eyes. "Maybe."

He was mad at himself as soon it came out because he'd hedged. And Jared knew it. He could tell from the slight relaxation of his shoulders. If Jensen let it stand this way then he would have accomplished nothing. What he needed now was a bomb. He took a deep breath, channeled the conviction that this was for Jared.

"I know what you said. What you think you feel. And because of that I'm going to be straight with you. This injury, it's not like a broken bone or a deep cut. It can heal but not like that. I don't want to hurt you. 'S why I'm saying this. I can't feel that way about you. I don't know if I know how anymore." Jared's eyes closed a moment and they were filled with unshed moisture when he reopened them. Jensen forced his voice cold. "I don't love you, Jared. And waiting around for me is a really stupid move."

– – –

"We are not sitting around this apartment again all night. I'm tired of you pining over Jensen _fucking_ Ackles one minute longer. Fuck him. He doesn't deserve you. Let's go out and de-gay you. Time for boobs and …"

"Chad. Stop. I just don't feel like—"

"I don't care. Get your jacket, I already told Sandy we'd meet her and what's his name – you know, the new boy-toy."

"Robert."

"Huh?"

"His name is Robert."

"You still don't have your jacket."

Jared sighed and went to find his jacket. Chad meant well. He knew his friends cared and were worried about him. But this wasn't something he'd get over by downing some beers and finding some quick hook-up – male or female. Frankly, he didn't feel up to either one.

For the millionth time he replayed his last conversation with Jensen in his mind. Well, not their very last conversation. That had been way more quiet. Jen'd turned at the door, looked at Jared before heading out to his waiting cab to the airport.

And said … nothing.

Jared stared, watched Jensen's mouth twitch like he was about to say 'bye' or 'take care' or _something_ but Jensen's eyes just moved over Jared before he jerked back around, pulled the door shut and vanished. Of course, that's when Jared realized he hadn't said anything either.

_You should meet someone new. It was just a weekend. Waiting is a stupid move. I don’t love you._

The greatest hits of Jared's heart-stab parade.

He knew he really did need to end the pity party. He needed to go meet with his agent and discuss his career now that _Supernatural_ was essentially over. He needed to be enthusiastic about having free time and the opportunity to explore movie roles he never could before because of time constraints. This was what he wanted. He'd spoken about it for years. Spoken to Jensen.

They'd had one phone call since parting in silence a week ago. Jared had called Jensen. Couldn't help himself. He had to know that Jensen was okay.

Jensen didn't seem to mind the call. He was friendly, relaxed. Said he was staying at his parents' home in Dallas and checking out a new facility that specialized in cognitive therapies. He sounded upbeat and hopeful. Jared didn't stay on long. He listened politely and made the right encouraging answers back and said he was fine even though Jensen had never asked. _Fine_. If you didn't count the part of his heart that was missing.

Sandy smiled when he approached, and her new boyfriend stood and held out his hand. "Nice to meet you." His grip was firm and while he was shorter than Jared he still towered over the petite Sandy.

Jared swooped down to give Sandy a hug. He missed her. Missed her smile and her laugh and her easy joking. After their breakup it had been awkward at first. But then, with time, they'd been able to renew their friendship and Jared was grateful to have her back in his life.

She held on extra tight and extra long. Finally, she pulled back looking up at him. "You've been through hell, baby."

He shrugged. It's not like anything actually happened to him. It was Jensen's accident. He said as much to her.

She kept close and made their words private. "Nonsense. Sure it was hard on Jensen, but you were there every minute. I know you."

He knew he'd been there. But he also knew how much he'd failed. He tried to smile and make her feel better. They settled into a booth and ordered wings and nachos and beer.

Conversation moved around him. He tried to participate, to listen, laugh at the right moments. It came out of his mouth but never reached his eyes. When the third round came Sandy leaned in to whisper something in Robert's ear and then touched Jared's arm.

"Come with me."

Chad laughed. "You want JT to go to the ladies room with you? He didn't turn girl, just—"

Sandy interrupted. "Shut up, Chad."

Puzzled, Jared followed Sandy out toward the back of the bar. She pulled him through an exit where there was a small patio with tables. It was a cool night so nobody was sitting outside. When they were alone she turned toward him.

"Okay. What?" Her voice was soft and pleading.

He looked down at her huge brown eyes. "What what?"

"Something is eating at you. I know you. Talk to me, baby."

Jared pulled her toward two seats, kept her hand in his. He'd forgotten how insightful she was. She did know him. Not as good as … Except now … now maybe she did know him better than anyone.

He ran his free hand through his hair, pulling his bangs up from his forehead, before meeting her eyes. "I fucked up."

"How Jared? I can't imagine you being there any more than you were. What more could he have wanted?"

"You don't understand. He … I made him feel … There are things you don't know. Things that weren't released to the public."

Her eyes grew bigger. She brought her other hand to their joined one and squeezed gently in encouragement.

"Right after the accident. When Jensen woke up, he … he thought he was Dean."

"What?"

"Yeah. Sounds crazy, I know. It was part of the injury. Changed his personality. He locked on to Dean. Maybe because it's the last thing … anyway, he thought I was Sam. I mean he _really_ believed I was Sam. When I … slipped and let him see how it was between us he freaked out. It revolted him, Sandy."

"Oh, Jared. God. I'm so sorry. Is this … but he's not like that anymore, is he?"

"No. Not Dean. Not that he ever really was. That's the problem. That's where I screwed up."

"I don't understand."

"I wanted him back. I wanted Jensen back like the accident didn't happen. I negated who he was, Sandy. Jensen's sensitive, very perceptive. The accident didn't change it. He picked up I wanted … someone else. I made him feel – he asked me, actually asked me … if he was _dead_. After that – I tried harder. Made myself remember that Jensen was right there. But sometimes … god, Sandy, I miss him."

She pulled his head upon her shoulder and stroked his hair for a few minutes. He accepted her comfort like a balm, fighting the voice in his head that whispered her hands were too small, too soft.

"You're being too hard on yourself. Anyone would want their partner to return to normal. To get better. It's natural. How is he doing now?"

"Better. Really so much better. He nailed the last scene we filmed without a problem. He's still got the memory problems. Can't remember things he just heard, but they have these techniques and tricks to help with this. And it's getting better, whether he sees it or not.

"But I had him all along, Sandy. Right there. I just didn't see it. And I made him feel like I wanted someone else. Until finally he pushed me away. And I can't even blame him because why should he want me when I made it seem like he didn't even exist?"

Brown eyes met his narrowing in frustration. "Jared … this accident happened to both of you. So you weren't perfect in dealing with it. Who expected you to be? Baby, you have to let yourself off the hook. You didn't screw up. You were human."

"But I lost him." As the words left his lips he realized that until that moment he hadn't said this. Not aloud. Not in his head. Not really. "I … lost him," he said again, like repeating it could change something. The feeling from his dream came back, haunting and harsh and cold.

Because Sandy did know him she reached up and put her arms around him and he squeezed back trying not to tremble from the chill inside him.

– – –

His sister's hug felt so good. She'd stayed longer in Vancouver than anyone else and so it hadn't even been that long since they'd seen each other, but still, it felt so good.

"I am so glad you came home," Mac said as soon as they moved apart.

Jensen smiled. "Me, too, kid. Where are the folks?"

"Dad had a doctor's appointment and Mom's shopping. I think they wanted to give you some space to settle in before, you know, everyone descended at once."

Jensen nodded. He did appreciate this. And as much as he wanted to see his parents he was grateful for this time alone with his little sister.

"How are the kids?" His sister taught elementary school. The whole class were her kids.

A huge smile brightened her face. "They're good. Well, not always." She giggled. "But most of the time."

He smiled back. It all felt so good he couldn't imagine what caused Mac to suddenly break into tears.

"Mac?"

"I'm sorry. It's just so good to see you smiling again. _Your_ smile. At first …"

"Yeah. I know. I'm sorry."

"No. God, don't be sorry. I'm just so glad you're okay."

"I think I remembered you first of all," he said softly. He hadn't remembered that fact until just now. Or at least he'd never thought about it.

She swiped at her eyes and gave him another hug. "It was hard at first watching you like that. Not knowing us. Mom and Dad couldn't—"

"I know," he said again, unsure of what else to say. He wanted to apologize again but didn't want to argue with her.

"And Jared … how is he, Jen?"

Raking his hair, Jensen turned away from her too knowing stare. "He's fine."

"He in L.A.?"

"Yeah. Hanging out with friends. It's good. He needs to relax. Put things behind him."

Mac was peering at him, worry darkening her eyes. "Jen? Did you … did you two have a fight or something?"

"What? No. Nothing like that. It's just that …" He paused and met her questioning gaze. "I just think that with the show over it's time for both of us to move on. Makes sense."

"Sense? What did Jared say about that?"

"He … he's got this leftover sense of obligation. You know how he is."

Mac didn't say anything. She beckoned for her brother to follow her and they made their way to the large kitchen where she put up a pot of coffee. He smiled. His sister did know him. Sitting on a counter stool he wondered at her sudden silence. Finally, she returned to him and took the other stool.

"I arrived first."

"Huh?"

"In the hospital. After your accident. I was able to catch the last flight out. Mom and Dad, well, you know, takes them a little longer. They got out next day." He looked at her but couldn't think of what to say. She continued. "It was late. You were asleep. Jared … Jared was there."

Jensen squirmed in his seat, looking to see if the coffee finished dripping yet, wanting to move away, to distract.

Mac looked at him, making Jensen her complete focus until he was forced to face her again. "He didn't see me. I stood in the doorway and I couldn't … you were so pale and so still. There was this bandage on your forehead and an IV next to you and it disappeared beneath the blanket. I shouldn't've stayed. It was wrong. Too private. But I couldn't move because it was you and you were so still."

"Mac–"

"No. Let me finish. Jared was standing by the side of your bed. He was rubbing your hair and he was crying and that's when I _knew_ … I mean we all sort of always knew … but not like … " She paused to compose herself. "Jensen. There's no way he's just 'fine.'"

"Mac … I'm just trying to be … fair to him."

She looked very dubious. "Jen. I'm not trying to tell you who to be with. And you've been through so much, I understand you need time. But this I can tell you – do what you need to do for yourself, not what you think Jared needs. Because what he needed seemed pretty clear to me that night."

He studied her. When had his little sister grown up? "Did you … did he see you there?"

"I knocked to get his attention. He was happy I was there. He'd been carrying it all alone. He told me … later, when he could talk again … he told me that he heard a doctor say that a fractional amount more pressure on your head … when you landed … and you … you woulda …"

He stood up quickly to give her another hug. He'd been so self-absorbed he hadn't stopped to think how hard this all had been on his family, on Mac. Others. Faces flashed in his mind but really he couldn't get past one face. Jensen had been confused … wasn't sure who he was, where he was, and he'd opened his eyes to a dimly lit room and Sam, _only_ _not_ _Sam_ , was huddled in a chair, head resting on his crossed arms on the edge of Jensen's bed like he'd just collapsed there. Jensen turned his head slightly to get a better look and the light from the monitors reflected back on the other man's face, highlighting jagged damp tracks on his cheek and he'd started wondering why .. why Sammy was crying. Except the man had told him he wasn't Sam. So then why, why did he still love him?

Jensen sucked in air upon the sudden memory. He couldn't tell in that moment who he'd been thinking about – who loved who?

Mac pulled back. "Jen? You okay?"

"Yeah. I … I think I just remembered something from then. From right around the accident. First time."

She radiated concern. "Is it … I mean, I'm glad you're remembering but I don't want you to remember anything bad."

He smiled and hugged her again. "It wasn't bad, Mac."

– – –

It was always good being home. Funny how for years only San Antonio had been home no matter where Jared was living. Until, the last year or so, Vancouver, with Jensen, he'd used the word 'home' and felt it. He shook his head because Chad had been right about one thing, the constant brooding had to stop. It wasn't who he was. Deep down he was upbeat. Happy.

Even when feeling miserable.

Sherri put the plate of burgers down and put her hand on Jared's arm.

"Honey, have you called him since you got here? He's not so far away ... you could—"

"No. I can't, Mom. He made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to see me. He knows I'm here. Knew I was coming to see you and Dad. Told me it was good that I'd be spending time with y'all and left it there. I need to stop wishing for things that aren't."

"I just hate seeing you so …"

Jared managed an earnest smile. "I'm fine, Mom. A little heartbreak never really killed anyone, right?"

Sherri smiled back and watched as Jared fixed himself a burger with all the toppings.

– – –

Kate had agreed to continue their sessions via telephone. Slightly unusual but not unheard of, and it helped to spend an hour with her a couple times a week. Her voice was always kind and her wit never faltered and with her he could let go. Be angry. Be frustrated. Be sad.

"So, Jensen's in L.A.?"

"Yeah. I called the Ackles house and his mother told me he'd left."

"Did it bother you that he hadn't called to tell you he was leaving Texas?"

"Yeah. I mean, I know he doesn't owe me anything. Doesn't have to tell me where he's going." He swiped at his hair. "It bothered me."

"Last week we spoke about how you thought your actions were the ones that drove Jensen away. Are you still feeling this way?"

"I wanted someone who didn't exist."

She chuckled slightly. "Like an imaginary friend?"

Her humor always disarmed him. Kate continued softly, "Jared, your actions, your behavior with Jensen – they exhibited a high degree of acceptance and understanding – despite the rejection you were feeling. Your feelings are your own and you know I would never negate them. But Jensen's reactions to how you were dealing with his injury – they're on _him_ , Jared. He owns his feelings every bit as much as you own yours."

This was a common theme of Kate's. He tried to twist his head around her words because logically he understood what she meant. But in his mind he still saw Jensen crying … asking if he was dead. And all of Kate's good intentions couldn't take away Jared's role in making Jensen ask that horrible question. His best friend, his lover, had needed him to accept him completely for who he was and Jared had failed and this was the result.

Maybe, in the words of his other best friend, Chad, he just needed to get the fuck over this.

"Any idea of Jensen's decision regarding _Supernatural_?"

"No. He hasn't said. I'm guessing the show's over. But nobody's told me anything."

"Are you proceeding with trying to line up anything new?"

"My agent sends me stuff to look at. Some have looked interesting. It's just …"

"Yes?"

"It feels like I'm leaving something unfinished."

"With _Supernatural_?"

Jared squeezed the phone. "Yes." He swallowed down an unexpected tightness. "With _Supernatural_."

– – –

After nearly a month of no nightmares Jared dreamed about Jensen's accident again. Same hotel suite. He was watching, helpless, as the shadowy figure that looked like him picked Jensen up by the jacket and tossed him hard through the divider, smashing through the table. A wet crunching sound filled the air, followed immediately by a deathly silence. Jared turned his friend's body over as Jensen's lifeblood flowed and his dead eyes accused.

Jared woke up gasping. If he shouted he at least hadn't woken anyone because he was alone. Tears tracked down his face and his heart beat so fast he thought it might explode. He wasn't thinking as he groped for his cell phone on the small table by the bed.

"Jared?"

At the sound of Jensen's voice Jared felt air slowly refill his lungs.

"Jared? Are you there? What's wrong?" In the background he heard a voice, deep, unfamiliar, ask what was up.

He froze.

For a third time Jensen called his name. He struggled to answer. " 'M sorry. I'm okay. 'M sorry."

"What happened?"

Jared knew he was supposed to be answering. He could feel the genuine concern in Jensen's voice. But a glance at the time – one a.m. – Jensen easily could be on a date.

"I'm sorry," he repeated again inanely. "I shouldn't have bothered you."

"You're not bothering me." New sounds came through. More voices. All seemed male. "I'm just hanging with Chris and Steve and some guys from the band. Still early here. Kane's got a second set coming up."

Early? Of course, California – was barely past eleven. Jared laughed, although it came out more like a cackle. He knew he sounded just this side of insane but didn't care.

"Did you have the nightmare again?" Before Jared could answer, Jensen spoke to someone else, saying he'd be back. The other sounds died away. "Okay. I'm here. Talk to me."

"Got quiet."

"I'm outside so I can hear you. Place is crowded. Word spread that I was singing backup."

Jared could imagine. He worried about how Jensen was faring under all the attention. He knew that Jensen's shyness melted when he was performing, but this was different. The interest in Jensen from the fans had to be sky-high after all the media nonsense.

"Jay?"

"I'm here. I'm okay."

"The nightmare, right?"

"Yeah. Just wanted to hear … I'm sorry, man. I feel like an idiot. Go do your show."

"It's good to hear your voice, too."

Jared's breath caught at Jensen's softer tone. He could only murmur an agreement. Hearing Jensen was all he wanted. "How have you been? How was Dallas?" he asked, not wanting Jensen's voice to stop.

"I've been good. Dallas was great. Spent a lot of time with Mac."

"How's she doing?" Jared loved Jensen's sister. They'd always gotten along but during the time Jensen was in the hospital, right after the accident – Mac had been so supportive. He'd told her first about his relationship with her brother. Had blurted it out in the hallway as he'd collapsed into her arms. And she'd nodded through her tears and said back, "I know Jay. I know how much you love him. I've known for a long time." And then she'd said, "He loves you, too."

"Mac's great. Loving her kids as always. She's started seeing someone. He came over for dinner. He was all nervous around me and Josh. It was cute."

Jared smiled and stretched out some on the bed. "Yeah? What's he like? He good enough for our Mac?"

"He's a teacher. Well, professor really. At UT. English lit. Your mother would love him." Jensen paused. "His name is Mike. Tall. Not as tall as you. 'Bout my height. Wears these dorky glasses. She seems to really like him but they just started seeing each other, so who knows."

Jared snorted. "Hah. Dorky glasses and a little shorter than me. Sounds like you."

"Shut up, Padalecki." There was a pause. "My glasses aren't dorky."

Jared laughed. It burst out in this spray and felt at once odd and amazing because he hadn't giggled with Jensen in forever.

"Laugh. At least my nose doesn't curve up like a wave."

"Low blow Ackles. Making fun of my nose."

"I could make fun of your chin."

"Yeah. Well at least I don't have anime eyes. Walking cartoon."

"Sasquatch."

"Geek."

"Dufus." Before Jared could come back with anything, Jensen added, voice lower, "I'm getting rid of the glasses."

This disrupted Jared's laugh fest. "What?"

"Thinking of getting that Lasik surgery so I don't need them anymore."

Jared thought about this. Jensen with glasses was the hottest sight this side of Mercury. Fighting disappointment he said, "Be sure you find a good doctor. Can't hurt those baby greens." He fell silent a moment. "Jen?"

"Yeah?"

"I … nothing. Just thanks, I guess. For talking to me."

"Jesus, Jay, you never have to thank me for that."

"Good luck with your set. Maybe sometime I'll catch the show."

"Yeah. Sometime. I should go. You gonna be okay?"

The lies just seemed to get easier. "Sure. Of course. I, uh, I'm flying to England soon. Asylum convention. Genevieve's going to be there. And Misha and Jim. Should be fun."

"I heard you were hanging out with Genevieve a bunch."

Jared wondered exactly how Jensen had heard this. He tried not to read anything in the other man's tone. It would be so easy to crave jealousy and just as easy to make up what wasn't there. "Yeah. She's a great gal. We hit some clubs in L.A. We're just friends, you know." He stopped. Why did he need to volunteer that part? It wasn't any of Jensen's business any longer.

Curiosity flooded Jared. "How about yourself? Catching up with old friends?" The image of Aaron's perfectly spiked hair swam before his eyes.

"Some. Mostly Chris and Steve. A few others. Nobody I've really missed."

It got quiet. Jared couldn't say anything real and was out of make-believe anybody would swallow. He was a good actor, but not that good. "I'm going to let you get back to the band. Tell Chris I said hi and … to take care of you."

Jared wasn't sure Jensen was going to say anything more. He wondered if he'd just hang up the same way he'd walked out of his life – in silence.

"Bye, Jay."

And the line went dead.

**Chapter 10**

"Jensen, there's video on YouTube of your playing with Kane. You looked good, sounded great – well, what I could hear over the screaming." Jensen heard the doctor chuckle softly. "How did it feel?"

Rachel's voice soothed. He was glad she'd worked out these telephone sessions. There was no way he wanted to start with someone new. Truth was, he'd gotten used to talking to her. Although over the phone he knew he was able to fool her way more easily. He hadn't realized until his sessions with her that his face was quite that transparent. Sure, he used his face, his eyes, when performing. But that was different. That was intentional. She seemed to see everything no matter what he actually told her.

Only one other person had been able to read him that way.

"It was a blast. I had a great time. The crowd was hyped. Chris was Chris. It felt … good."

"I'm glad. Sounds like you had a good experience." She paused. "Have you followed up with the cognitive center in L.A.?"

"Yeah. I had a new evaluation. My memory scores were higher." He was really happy about this. They'd conducted some fresh tests and he'd had his first objective improvement in weeks. It had given him hope that maybe he wouldn't have to give up his profession forever.

"Has this figured into your thoughts about continuing acting?" Of course, even over the damn phone she read his face.

"I guess. Maybe it's more possible than I'd thought before. Not quite ready for stage work …" He laughed. "But I could probably handle a commercial."

They both snickered at this. Then sobering she asked, "Have you spoken to Eric again?"

"No. He's been giving me space. The network called my agent. She's being noncommittal and I guess everyone's just waiting on me. I have to decide soon. If we do this, we'd have to start shooting by August at the latest."

He heard her breathing softly. "So it seems like _Supernatural_ is back to being a possibility. Last time we spoke you were dismissing it outright."

"Oh, don't get me wrong. I still think it's impossible."

" _Impossible_?"

His lips twisted slightly. "Unlikely."

He could swear he heard her smile.

– – –

Jensen stared at the slightly fuzzy photo until his eyes could barely focus on it any longer. He was in the checkout line of the grocery store when the small inset photo on the cover of _OK!_ magazine caught his eye. Jared with Genevieve. He was leaning down into her and she was smiling up at him, his arm was draped possessively around her shoulders. The caption read: _Jared_ _Padalecki_ _'_ _s_ _Demon_ _Encounter_ _Across_ _the_ _Pond:_ _New_ _Love_ _for_ _Jared_ _and_ _Genevieve?_ Jensen grabbed the magazine and paid for it along with his groceries. He was wearing sunglasses and a cap and was almost unrecognizable. Almost. The cashier smiled up at him with a familiar _I_ _know_ _who_ _you_ _are_ look. But this was L.A. and celebrity sightings were everyday, and she was cool and merely said, "Have a nice day" as she packed his bag.

In the apartment he unpacked the food items slowly, leaving the magazine untouched on the counter. When everything was put away and the grocery bags tucked into the plastic bag holder he kept under his sink he couldn't stop from picking it up.

Inside were a series of photos from the same photographer, obviously taken in quick succession. Jared was leaning in to say something private to Genevieve. She stared up at him with a look that could only be interpreted one way. Jared was smiling broadly, teeth shining, dimples on display. It was classic Jared and seeing it again reminded Jensen of how long it had been since he'd seen Jared smile like that. Reminded Jensen of how much he'd taken away from Jared.

The gruff voice from the doorway surprised him.

"You get the beer?"

Jensen looked up startled. Chris must have just woken up. He was in his ratty t-shirt and old sweats and his hair was sticking up in more directions than Jensen knew existed. It would normally have made him laugh.

Chris took a look at him, walked in the room, and slowly pulled the magazine from his hand. "Shit."

Jensen turned away. Walked to the refrigerator to pull out a beer and hand to his friend. Although how someone could have beer be the first thing to enter their system upon waking up was beyond him. Even if it was three p.m.

Chris took the bottle but didn't open it. " 'M sorry, Jenny."

"No. Don't be. This is good. It's what I wanted."

Chris looked at him dubiously. "C'mon man, this is me. You've had the hots for Jay forever. And the Yeti told me himself that-"

"Yeah. I wish he hadn't. Nothing to it now anyway." Jensen looked at his friend. He didn't know what Jared had said. It seemed that when Jensen'd been in the hospital everyone suddenly seemed to know they were a couple. Wasn't very smart of Jared to blurt it out so publicly.

"What happened between you two in Vancouver?"

"What do you mean? I thought you said Jared already told you."

"No, he didn't. I mean, yeah, sorta … but not with words. After the accident, when you were recuperating, I got the impression—did you two break up?"

Jensen tried to comprehend what he was hearing. "What do you mean 'not with words?' I thought he came out to everyone while I was still unconscious or whatever."

"Nah. He never spoke to me about it. I dunno, maybe he said somethin' to your folks or Mac, though."

"Then how did you …?"

Chris gave him a look Jensen couldn't read. "Jenny, he was out of his freakin' mind, man. You don't get that way unless you love someone."

The incongruously sentimental words coming from his normally sarcastic friend's mouth left the room suddenly silent.

After a moment Jensen said, "But that was all before I woke up."

Chris stared at him, blue eyes getting darker. "I don't know what happened before you woke up. Me and Steve only got there afterward. Padalecki was a mess. You thinking he was your brother didn't help much. But when you told him you'd go home with him - it was like the kid could breathe again. Steve and I had been real worried about what he'd do if you decided to go anywhere other than home with him."

"I thought … I thought he was being nice, you know, because we were friends."

"You think what you want. I'm just tellin' you what I saw. Been around long enough to know what friendship looks like, Cowboy. That ain't it."

Chris handed Jensen back the magazine. Jensen's eyes drifted back to the photos. "I told him to do this."

"Huh?"

"Find someone else."

"Oh. I see," Chris drawled, making the short words linger in the air. "Was _your_ idea. Good to know it won't bother you, him following your advice."

Jensen was too busy staring at Jared and Genevieve to notice Chris' smirk.

– – –

She was funny and pretty and smart … and interested. Covered his top three requirements easily and the last, well, was also rather important. She was familiar and holding her small hand in his reminded him of Sandy, of the dozens of girls he'd dated over the years. Reminded him how it felt good to be so much larger, bigger, how it brought out his protective side. He ignored the small voice that complained. There was no such thing as too soft, he convinced himself. That was ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as the lingering desire to feel protected himself.

He'd flown early to England so that he could relax a few days in London before heading to the Asylum Convention in Birmingham. Neither he nor Jensen had been able to make it here last year and so this year the crowds were ecstatic that he'd kept his commitment. Originally, Jensen was supposed to attend as well. But all his convention appearances had been cancelled after the accident.

Asking Genevieve if she wanted to do some sightseeing with him in London was a spontaneous decision. They'd been hanging out, went out to dinner, for drinks. Nothing extraordinary. But he was aware enough to know she'd be game for more. And he liked her. Had liked her since her stint as Ruby on the show. He'd been disappointed when he read the final script and saw she wasn't going to make it. Jensen had said at the time that it was best for the story.

Jared wondered now if she'd been flirting with him even then. In retrospect, he guessed she was. He couldn't help but wonder if Jensen's reaction to her character's death wasn't jealousy. It was really satisfying to think this. Except he just couldn't be that self-delusional. Lately he'd been awakening to a bunch of things. The biggest of which is that it might have been something other than shyness that kept Jensen from saying 'I love you' back to Jared.

This meant it had nothing to do with the accident. Meant maybe it had never been there at all.

– – –

They'd gone out to dinner and shared a couple of bottles of wine. Jared was buzzed and warm and had the giggles. It had been a long time since he'd felt this loose. They returned to the hotel and he was positively bouncy. She laughed at his mood and said it was really good to see him this way again. It sobered him a moment that she'd noticed, had seen how melancholy he'd become. Mostly because he really thought he'd covered that up pretty well. But then she'd smiled at him, putting her whole self into it and it all felt good again.

Genevieve invited Jared to her room and they flipped satellite stations for a while and settled on a Benny Hill rerun and Jared went from giggling to cackling, and before he knew it to kissing.

Her lips were soft and small, just like the rest of her. There wasn't one hard edge, but he pushed that thought down deep and focused on enjoying the moment. She kissed harder, was hot and hungry and pushed him down on the sofa, covering him with her body. She felt lighter than air, insubstantial like a feather and he pulled her closer trying to give her more weight, craving that feeling of strength surging against his own.

She shifted slightly and he eased up, scared for a moment that he'd hurt her. She was so little, so … fragile. It had been a while since he'd had to curb himself. He'd gotten used to just _taking_. He let his hand roam over her back while he explored her mouth leisurely. Her tongue was warm and pulsing in his mouth. The wine made him drowsy and untethered. Swallowing her lips with his own he murmured _Jen_ without thought.

Genevieve lifted up at this, eyes glazed, still smiling. "You never called me that be—" Brown eyes met his, suddenly growing huge. "Oh god."

Jared didn't try denial, there wasn't a point. He sat up and ran his hand through his hair and thought about apologizing but knew that if he said even one word he'd lose it. She sat next to him, her head nodding as if agreeing to something. She ran her fingers over her mouth and held them there a second, looked at him with an unreadable expression.

Finally she spoke. "Does he know?"

The question jarred him. Of course. Didn't he? And then it killed him that what should have been the most obvious answer in the world was now unknown to him. Jesus, he didn't even understand the question anymore. He had no idea of how he'd gotten here. But the ache he felt just wouldn't let him go. He forced his eyes back to hers. She deserved that he look at her. "Genevieve, I'm sorry."

She smiled softly. "Hey. It happens. My friends do call me Gen. You can, too, if you want."

He nodded but didn't say anything. She was a class act and he was grateful beyond measure. He could tell her that maybe he just needed time but said nothing. That much of a bastard he could never be. In fact, it was one of the only things he gave Jensen credit for in this whole fucked up mess. Say what you will, but he never led Jared on.

– – –

Aaron was still an airhead but he had the roundest, highest ass you could possibly want. Jensen gave it a small squeeze as they worked their way to Aaron's bed. Aaron crushed his mouth with his own and started pushing his tongue inside in these small, sweet little bursts. Jensen wasn't happy with this – didn't want soft and easy or anything resembling _loving_ gentle. Never was much for kissing too long. He shoved the smaller man down and started biting at his lip, his jaw, his neck with reckless abandon. Meanwhile he roughly ground his erection against Aaron thinking of how good it would feel to plow into his tight …

" _Ow!_ What the fuck, Jensen? You're hurting me."

Dammit, he'd forgotten how freakin' delicate Aaron was. Besides having the IQ of a gnat, this was part of the reason he'd never given him a second thought when Aaron'd moved out of Vancouver. He wanted someone who could take him, make him feel. He'd wanted smart and fun and dimples. _Fuck_. He pulled back, breath shallow. "Fuck. If I wanted a girl I woulda gone out with one."

Aaron stared at him with hurt eyes that almost penetrated Jensen's frustration. "You were always a bit of a dick but never quite this much of one. Look, if you want a brick shithouse like Padalecki go fuck him … don't take your frustration out on me!"

Jensen's breath caught. "He has nothing to do with this."

Aaron snorted. He stood and started straightening out his clothes. "Right. That's why I thought he was going to tear me a new one when you and I went out that last time. Fuck, even when we were _dating_ you'd rather stay in and watch football with him more times than you wanted to go out with me. I knew even then, man. You wanna fool yourself, be my guest. I know you think I'm a dumb blonde. And maybe I am, thinking I ever had a chance … but at least I know what the hell is right in front of me. Which is more than I can say for you."

– – –

It felt good being with the fans again. They energized Jared. Fueled his self-esteem, and his sense of play. He tossed candies out and laughed delightedly at the happy squeals. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the convention handlers smiling indulgently at him. Poor folks were trying to contain the chaos. Not easy when he was center stage. He returned to the stool and perched on it again, knee bouncing with leftover energy. Maybe he shouldn't have eaten quite that much candy.

He took another question. The woman was small and nervous. He flirted with her and calmed her and purposely misunderstood her question enough times to have the audience roaring, and their laughter lifted him, made him feel like he was floating on a sea of good cheer. Finally, he answered her, tapping on memories from the show and pushing away any uncomfortable ghosts. They didn't belong here. He refused to let them get between him and these good people who wanted nothing more than to peek behind the scenes at the working of their favorite program, glimpse the real person behind Sam Winchester.

This audience considered itself quite lucky. Eric and the network had agreed to show _When_ _the_ _Levee_ _Breaks_ in its entirety for the con, well before it was to be broadcast late summer. This sneak preview was the most anticipated thing in all the fandom. Jared hadn't seen the completed episode. He didn't intend to.

A sip of water, some more questions, he tossed more candy. It was business as usual and going well. Another young questioner rose and Jared smiled as she said her name was Karen. "Hi Karen, what do you want to know?"

"Do you believe in the _Supernatural_ Curse?"

The crowd buzzed like a swarm of bees racing to the hive. Jensen Ackles was off limits topic-wise. Nothing about the accident was open for discussion. At the very start the handlers made an announcement that Jensen was with his family in Texas and that reports said he was doing well. Then they said that no questions would be accepted about Jensen or the accident. None. The moderator's tone of voice should have made this crystal clear.

 _Curse_. Jared hated that phrase with a passion. He remembered the fan site that replaced it with 'gift'. He flashed back to Jensen on the gurney, awake. Confused. Thinking he was Dean. It had scared, terrified him. But those frightened green eyes, open, staring at him, were the most wonderful thing he'd ever seen. He tamped down his anger at her question. The woman was young, a teenager. The moderator came out quickly from the side of the stage and took his microphone. "I want to remind everyone that questions about the accident will not be—" Jared grabbed the mike back from her.

"Wait. I'm going to answer that one. But only that one." He turned first to the young woman, but then directed his answer straight out to the entire audience. He moved his eyes slowly over the crowd, a sea of anxious faces. He kept his voice steady and strong and knew he sounded more Sam-like than he'd ever been in front of fans. But it wasn't Sam that was speaking. "No."

When a crowd that large is all silent at once it sucks all the sound out of a room, leaving behind a cavern where even the merest whisper could be heard. So the soft, unmiked voice that said, "Neither do I." vibrated into the farthest reaches and struck like a punch to everyone's gut.

And then the crowd erupted.

Jared stared open-mouthed as Jensen walked across the stage toward him. Thinking ceased as two quick strides brought them together. His mike fell with an uncomfortable thud but he didn't hear it because his arms surrounded Jensen and brought him closer and arms that he'd missed more than breathing were holding him back, squeezing his heart back to life. The only thought – _how?_ – was lost in the warmth and strength of Jensen's hug and later, when he could think about it, he knew that anyone with eyes had to see it all, but at the time there was nothing but _this_.

Slowly they pulled apart but Jared kept his hand on Jensen's back as Jensen fought not to recoil from the sheer level of thunder rolling out of the audience. Everyone was on their feet. Jared staggered under the emotional outpouring. The first few rows, where he could see individual faces, were crying openly. They clapped and bounced and shifted, stopped a moment to swipe at their eyes, and then went back to acknowledging the man that had appeared out of nowhere.

The moderator came out beaming and announced Jensen's name and incredibly the applause got even louder. Jared's ears hurt from the sheer volume. Jensen finally pulled out of his grip and reached down to pick up the microphone. Jared stared stupidly, having lost all ability to speak when he'd first laid eyes on Jensen walking toward him.

The mike hovered near Jensen's lips. "Miss me?"

The audience went bonkers.

– – –

Normally it was hard for Jared to stick to the stool on stage. Being high on sugar made it harder. Jensen settling on a stool next to him and agreeing to stay a few minutes … well, Jared was pretty much a kangaroo on speed. He tried to concentrate on the questioners but his gaze kept going back to Jensen who was regarding him comically.

It seemed to take days for the crowd to quiet enough for questions to resume, but the fans respected the rules and directed everything to Jared. Of course, they stared at Jensen all through Jared's answers. When the Jensen ogling became a bit too obvious Jared jumped up again and gave the crowd an exaggerated pout.

"Hey, didn't y'all miss me, too?"

He heard Jensen chuckle behind him and fought back the urge to grab and kiss him on the spot. He didn't really know what it meant that Jensen had come to England to surprise him. But it had to mean _something_.

Needless to say the audience expressed their love of Jared with his own standing ovation. He bounded across the stage and accepted some gifts tossed at him, gushing appreciatively though the T-shirt a woman had given him was clearly way too small. This led to teasing about showing some skin and followed by striptease jokes until Jensen jumped up and stopped him from disrobing laughing, "Nobody needs to see that."

At which point the audience actually booed Jensen, and Jared laughed so hard he was afraid he'd pop a button for real.

He held onto Jensen's shoulder until he could breathe again. Jensen mumbled, "Just how much sugar did you have, dude?"

This set Jared off again.

The questions continued. Drama over comedy? Favorite scene? Tell a story about Jensen. That should have been easy and fun except he blanked and started rambling about the time early on when he'd gotten in some trouble at a bar and Jensen came back and stood up for him and he freakin' almost lost it right there on the stage remembering that, except Jensen realized it and lightened the moment by calling him a giant wuss in full-out Dean mode.

But their eyes connected and off-mike Jared whispered, "You remember that?"

And Jensen nodded yes.

When Jared had about fifteen minutes left to his panel, Jensen caught his eyes between questions and leaned into him stool to stool. "I'm heading out."

Then Jensen stood up and told the crowd he had to go.

The _aww_ mantra started almost immediately. A girl midway back with lungs that must have been as big as a refrigerator if her yell was any indication shouted, "Jensen, will there be a final season?" This broke the dam free and the shouts emerged.

"Jensen, are you coming back?"

"Jensen, will they kill off Dean?"

"Jensen, will there be a season five?"

"Jensen, will the show have an ending?"

_Jensen. Jensen. Jensen._

It was fast and sudden and almost violent and even Jared, who never spooked at these events, took a step back and instinctively stood in front of Jensen, shielding him.

The moderator came forward and tried to calm the crowd but it fell on deaf ears. Because in the end this was the only question anyone had. It was all they cared about. Would they get a conclusion to a show they'd invested in for four years? Or would it just disappear and they'd be left hanging?

Jared felt Jensen's strong grip on his shoulder.

"It's okay, Jay," he said walking in front of him and putting his arms out to quiet the crowd. He held a small bag in one hand that Jared hadn't seen before.

He walked to the front of the stage and Jared quickly followed as did Clif who stood on Jensen's other side.

The crowd was still emotional and yelling and on the far side of wild. Jensen reached into the bag he was holding and threw something small into the audience. Was he nuts? Surely he didn't think candy was going to placate this bunch? But Jensen did it again and again and again.

And someone screamed _Omigod._ _Omigod._ _Omigod._

And someone else shrieked _It_ _'_ _s_ _salt._

Jensen put his microphone back to his lips. "See you in the fall."

And the crowd went insane.

Jared turned to him, eyes huge. Jensen nodded once and whispered. "I really have to go." It didn't take much to see that the commotion was getting to him and Jared immediately put an arm around his shoulder and led him offstage with Clif behind them. They stopped right out of sight of the audience.

Jared turned to Clif meeting the man's eyes so there could be absolutely no confusion. "Take care of him."

Clif nodded and suddenly Jared panicked now that Jensen was leaving. He knew how his voice sounded and didn't care. "Will I see you later?"

Jensen smiled shyly. "I'll leave the door open."

Jared let out his breath. They always had adjoining rooms at the cons. And they always left the door open so they could wander back and forth and hang out. It had never led to anything because they'd never allowed anything to happen. Until Jensen changed everything. Jared never did know why Jensen finally changed things between them. He always thought he'd have time to ask. Until time stopped.

Most of Jared's remaining time on the stage was drowned by the parting applause for Jensen.

– – –

Jared was a patient man. Especially when it came to the fans. But by the second full hour of signing autographs he really was done. He hadn't been able to get off stage at the panel because they wouldn't stop clapping. And shrieking. Finally, he interrupted asking if they wanted to watch a new episode of _Supernatural_.

That led to fifteen more minutes of applause.

But he was shepherded offstage by the convention handlers and taken to a table where he spent the next two hours saying, "Yes. I'm really happy we're coming back." Before signing his name. A million times.

While in his mind all he could think about, see, hear, was Jensen.

Who'd flown to England.

Was it really only to announce his return to _Supernatural_? Wouldn't a press conference in L.A. have accomplished that more efficiently? Jared knew he was acting like a lovesick teenager but his head kept spinning that it had to be _more_. Why else would Jensen have come?

The woman in front of him handed him a copy of _OK!_ magazine to sign. He'd signed T-shirts, books, posters, toys, caps, DVD boxes. Basically if it could handle a sharpie he was all over it. A magazine was mundane. But the sweet, middle-aged woman handing it to him said the darndest thing. "I think you two make a lovely couple."

His eyes flew down to examine the magazine's cover and there he was. With Genevieve. He scanned the date. A week old. His heart felt like someone had replaced it with a rock.

– – –

Jared fought to steady his hand as he slid his key card in the door. He was exhausted. After the autographs he'd been given a food break and then the photo sessions started. He towered over the fans and his back hurt from stooping to fit next to their ecstatic faces. It wasn't easy being a Sasquatch.

The door between their rooms was closed. If the door was locked from Jensen's side then all Jared's assumptions were for nothing. He held the knob, hesitated … It turned easily and Jared stepped into the adjoining room calling out Jensen's name.

The room was a mirror of his own. A smallish living room and a small bedroom. A flat panel TV inside an armoire. Hotel rooms in the UK were always miniscule compared to their American cousins. He didn't see Jensen but then heard the sound of water running. Jared paused, thinking he should step back to his room. Maybe also grab himself a quick shower before …

The bathroom door popped open and whatever thoughts Jared had vanished as he gawked at Jensen, wearing only his glasses and a towel slung ridiculously low on his slim hips. Jared's mouth went dry and his dick immediately hard and aside from gaping and squirming and thinking _breathe_ _breathe_ _breathe_ , he was pretty much useless.

"Jared. I … didn't hear you. Give me a minute to get dressed." Jensen colored slightly before disappearing into the bedroom.

 _God,_ _don_ _'_ _t_ _go_ , Jared thought, wishing to take in Jensen's perfect body a little longer. He'd forgotten how drop dead gorgeous Jen was. He adjusted his jeans. As long as that image lingered behind his eyes they'd stay uncomfortable for some time.

He distracted himself by pacing, counting his steps absently from the window to the door and back to the sofa. He thought about sitting down but then Jensen was back and he froze again.

It should have been easier now that Jensen was dressed. He wore faded old jeans and a dark emerald sweater. No more glasses. Must have put in his contacts. Jared struggled to produce enough saliva to swallow.

"Jared? You okay?"

Jared forced his mind away from how in the incandescent light Jensen's eyes glowed like a moonlit meadow. First thing he'd ever noticed were Jensen's beautiful eyes. In particularly honest moments he knew he'd be content if they could be the last thing he ever saw.

" "M fine." Jared swallowed, smiled. "So, Sam and Dean are back?"

Jensen smiled shyly. "Yeah. I called Eric after I got back to the room. He'd already heard. The Twitter heard around the world."

Jared laughed. "That was something, what you did." He paused. He had to know. "Is that why you came here?" _Is_ _that_ _the_ _only_ _reason_ _you_ _came_ _here?_

Jensen didn't answer. He walked over to the mini-bar and searched inside. "Want a drink?"

Mini-bar parties at the cons was one of their things. It was what they did. Together.

"Sure."

Jensen took his time sorting through the tiny bottles. "I don't have any ice. Want me to go get?"

"Nah. Don't bother. Just give it to me straight up."

"You could use a bit more hair on your chest."

"Liar." Jared knew Jensen's preference for clean-chested men. He'd known that way before they'd ever hooked up. Another night with a mini-bar and them laughing and watching bad TV and staying up way too late and inappropriate confessions that left him feeling lightheaded. There were things he'd told Jensen that he didn't even tell himself.

The light-hearted accusation caught Jensen's attention and Jared watched his back tense. He grinned. Good to know he wasn't the only one aware of the tension between them. Of course that tension had been in place for two fucking years and Jensen did nothing about it, seemed to live with it just fine. So fine that Jared had convinced himself that it was one-way, well not exactly that – but uneven. That he wanted Jensen more than Jensen wanted him, and so it was only Jared's problem. Until Jared had been thrown up against a wall.

Jared watched quietly as Jensen tossed the two little empty J&B bottles in the trash. He added spring water to each glass and handed Jared his drink.

They faced each other, still standing. Jensen raised his glass. "Um, to Sam and Dean."

"To Sam and Dean," Jared repeated bringing the scotch to his lips.

Wordlessly they settled on the sofa. Jared picked up the tinge of almond in the air. Jensen always travelled with all his favorite toiletries. Like a girl, was the way Jared teased him in the past. Secretly, Jared loved this quirk of Jen's. And always ended up borrowing the vanilla almond body wash. Was way better than the little bars of soap most places offered. They tended to dry out his skin.

Jensen would always balk. "Why don't you bring your own, dude?"

"Because then I couldn't hear you bitch. Bitch."

The memories made him smile.

"What? Jensen asked breaking the spell.

"Nothing. I … smelled almond, and, vanilla."

Jensen blushed, color rising quick on his cheeks. Jared could have laughed but didn't. " 'S nice. It's you."

"Jay …"

"No. I … I'm sorry. I shouldn't … Tell me what made you decide to do the show."

Jensen seemed to welcome the change of subject from the way he smelled. Jared took in one more quick breath. _God_. Delicious.

"Had another round of testing. Scored higher than ever. I thought … I think … well, I hope, I can do this."

"You can do this." Jared saw Jensen's eyes fly up to his, saw the doubt. "Absolutely … _we_ … can do this." Suddenly aware of how that sounded he added. "Sam and Dean, right?"

Jensen smiled. "You're my brother. There's _nothing_ I wouldn't do for you."

Jared stared incredulously. That line was a few years old. And … "That was my line."

"I know. I just … always really liked it. And you really sold it."

 _It_ _was_ _true,_ _you_ _idiot_. Jared stayed silent. There was nothing safe he could say.

When the silence lingered on too long Jared found his voice again. "Maybe before we start filming we can run lines. You know, like we did before we shot the pilot."

Jensen smiled. "In bars, so that the folks around us think we're crazy devil worshippers?"

"Hey, I've got my triple six tattoo close to my heart."

Jensen laughed, his eyes crinkling. Jared tried to stop himself from melting. It wasn't fair, was it? Couldn't Jensen just be ordinary good looking, or even better, goofy looking, like he, himself, was? Did he really have to look like …

"Jay? You're staring at me again. Do I have a zit or something?"

Jared laughed. A zit wouldn't dare land on that face. He laughed again as Jensen continued pondering him.

"Were you drinking before I got here?"

Jared downed the last of his drink and waved the empty glass back to Jensen. "Nope. First one. And on my way to number two. What are we opening next?"

Still pondering Jared oddly, Jensen went back to the mini-bar and bent down to look around. Of course that gave Jared a really good view of Jensen's ass which did nothing to get his mind off the hard-on that really hadn't quit since seeing Jensen in that towel. No thinking about the towel, he chastised himself.

Or Jensen's perfect ass.

"How 'bout Crown and Coke?"

"Sounds like a plan."

Jared sipped his second drink. Sweet. "I saw you on YouTube. Couldn't hear worth a damn through all the screaming. Jeez, Jen, it was like the Beatles or something."

Jensen tightened again. "You saw that."

Jared smiled. "Yeah. Chris record it?" He was pretty sure Kane recorded all his concerts.

Jensen nodded.

"Think you can send me a copy?" Watching Jensen on stage was one of Jared's not-so-secret pleasures. And hearing him sing was up there with him wearing his glasses. And nothing but a towel. Bad thought. Not now.

"Sure, if you want." Jensen smiled but Jared couldn't help but think there was something on his friend's mind.

Taking another sip of his second drink, Jared thought he'd have been better prepared for Jensen's next question.

He wasn't.

"So. You and Genevieve, eh?"

Jared sputtered, "What?"

"I … caught some photos of you two. Hard to hide when you're ten feet tall, dude."

Damn magazine. "It's …" Jared was going to say it was nothing. But then he stopped. He wanted to understand what Jensen was really asking and if it really was what the other man wanted. He carefully measured what he said. "We went out a few times." He took another swallow and met Jensen's eyes. "How about you? Did you get to … have some fun in L.A.?"

"Yeah. I, well, with Kane, you know. And, um, I met up with old friends."

 _Aaron_. Jared saw the blonde man stammering in front of him, saying he fucking lost Jensen, when Jen was still so confused. So vulnerable. He fought down the irrational anger. The words were out of his mouth before he could stop himself. "You see Aaron again?"

Jensen dropped his eyes and Jared felt punched. Okay. So Jensen flew here to announce to the fans the show was back. He downed the drink and let out a fake yawn. Being a goddamn actor came in handy for some things.

"I'm beat. Smiled so much thought my face would crack. I'm gonna turn in."

He got up quickly.

"Jared … I thought … since you …"

"No. Hey. It's cool. Really. Just like you wanted. Like you said, was only one weekend, right? Which only one of us even remembers." _So_ _it_ _'_ _s_ _like_ _it_ _didn_ _'_ _t_ _fucking_ _happen._ Why did it feel like his heart was breaking all over again?

"What about Genevieve? I thought …"

He stopped to look at Jensen. How was it possible Jensen could be this stupid? "I called her 'Jen.' "

"Huh?" Jensen's brows furrowed. "I think her friends call her that, I don't …"

"Jesus Christ, you're an idiot."

With a last flustered look, Jared left before his hurt led to anger and then to words he'd never be able to take back.

**Chapter 11**

Jensen stared at the closed door and put down his glass because really he had no idea what just happened.

Clearly, Jared had been jealous about Aaron but that was unexpected since he was dating Genevieve. Shit, even girls couldn't be this much trouble.

He ran a frustrated hand through his still damp hair and swallowed the last of the Crown and Coke. The soda had gone a bit flat and the sugar felt like it burned in his stomach. Probably was getting acid reflux or something. Showing his age. Great.

What the hell was he supposed to do now? He'd flown five thousand miles to see Jared and, well, talk to him. Although about what exactly he still wasn't sure. One minute he'd been lying in bed, not sleeping, hearing all these voice swirling in his damn head. Chris and Mac and Rachel, and Jared on the phone … scared and breathing hard and it felt for a second like something was stealing his own breath. Until he realized that Jared was fine, it was only a nightmare. The nightmare.

And then they were joking and snarking and it was more than familiar. It was them. For a few moments it felt like he was … whole. He remembered hanging up. Trying to say goodbye.

In L.A. he'd busied himself with performing, and hanging out with Chris, which was its own kind of insanity. Except Chris was crazy in that fox sort of way. When he'd told Chris he was going out with Aaron he'd gotten this deep stare.

"What? He's hot."

"Wanna get laid, Jenny? Might be better off just payin' instead of hooking up again with that clingy Kato Kalin wannabee."

"Fuck you. It's not just about that."

Chris had laughed his whiskey laugh, "Cowboy, you are twisted up in fifty kinds of knots. Why don't you just call him?"

Jensen hadn't needed to ask who Chris was talking about. He chose to ignore the question.

Until he was laying in bed examining a ceiling crack like it was Michelangelo's Creation of Adam.

By five the next morning he was on his laptop booking airline tickets to England.

His plan, such as it was, was to let Jared know that he'd decided to complete the fifth season. This was very rational. Surely it wasn't fair to leave Jared hanging - unsure if he should be accepting new opportunities or not. He knew Jared wanted to finish the show. So it was only right to let him know. He shushed the little voice that said that phones worked pretty well internationally these days.

And the fans had been so receptive. Okay, they were a little scary, too. But Jared had been there.

Dammit. Could he have one solitary thought that didn't circle back to that man?

He flashed to the too-hot-for-words look Jared had given him when he came out of the bathroom in his towel and sighed. Seemed like the answer to his previous question was, no.

And if he'd spent three more seconds in that room the towel would have given away more than either of them was ready for. Jesus, but Jared was _hot_. All lean muscle and legs and shoulders that never quit. So fucking tall.

He'd never had a thing for tall guys. He considered this. Every guy he could remember dating had been his height or shorter. He allowed himself an inner chuckle. Yeah, worked for his inner control freak. But Jared was different. He was like the shortest tall guy in the world. Never made Jensen feel smaller. Maybe it was their age difference. Or maybe it was just Jared.

Who'd last looked like he wanted to slug him.

Jensen glanced at the door between their rooms. He hadn't locked his side. He could just test and see if Jared had locked his. Wouldn't have to go in or anything. Could just see. If it was locked, well, that would settle this, wouldn't it? Meant that Jared had taken his advice and moved on. And if it was open? Could just mean he forgot to lock it.

Before he could reconsider he moved to the door. Hand shaking, he turned the knob and pushed slightly. It gave effortlessly. Once it was open a half inch he froze. Hadn't really thought this through. What the hell would he say?

"Jen?"

The door swung open and Jensen fell into Jared with the momentum. Large hands steadied him. His chest pressed against a hard, unyielding mountain.

Jared glanced at him quizzically.

 _Think,_ _Jensen_. "I, uh, wanted to say goodnight."

Jared released him and took a step back. "Goodnight?"

Jensen met Jared's eyes. Those brown blue gold _hazel_ eyes. It felt like forever since he'd gotten lost in them. Why was that? "I, um, yeah."

"Okay."

Jensen studied the small cleft on Jared's chin. Matched the dimples. Hey, he could see them now because Jared was smiling at him like Jensen'd said some sort of joke. Maybe he'd made one and forgot? Memory was still a bit off. "What?"

"I said, okay."

Folks thought Jensen had high cheekbones but he thought Jared's might be higher. Fuck, he was lost.

"Okay, what?"

A soft laugh escaped Jared. "Okay. You can say goodnight." When Jensen continued standing there unmoving Jared added, "Want a goodnight kiss with that?"

That broke through Jensen's haze. "But … what about Genevieve?"

"We're just friends. Anything that might have been pretty much ended when I called out your name."

Jensen stared at him. _I_ _called_ _her_ _'_ _Gen_ _'_. Oh. "Oh."

"Yeah."

"Nothing happened with Aaron." Jensen blurted quickly. He took a deep breath. "Kinda the same reason."

The gold in Jared's eyes darkened a little but he said nothing. His face was uncharacteristically still. Jensen felt like his own face must be transmitting like a radio tower but he kinda didn't care. "I do."

At Jared's puzzled face, Jensen clarified. "I do want a goodnight kiss."

Jared smiled. That deep, beaming, full-out dimple smile that lit a room. Jensen stepped in and brought his face closer. Jared's lips felt as soft as he last remembered. Full and rich and so inviting. Didn't take but a second for Jared's mouth to open and Jensen poked his tongue along the edge of Jared's gums, teeth, seeking entrance inside to sweep and suckle into his mouth.

The heat was instantaneous and he thrust his hips forward to grind into Jared's groin. Groaning because the reaction was clearly mutual, he reached up to touch Jared's cheek and realized that Jared had shaved since returning to his room. Strange thing to do before going to bed. Not that he was complaining as he ran his lips along Jared's clean jaw line, nipping and tasting and sucking along the way.

Jensen pulled back to get a good look at Jared's kissed out face. His breath caught. "You are so gorgeous."

Jared laughed.

Jensen stared at him. "You always laugh when someone tells you that?"

"Only when that someone is you, Jensen."

Through the fog of lust Jensen saw what Jared meant. He shook his head and put one hand on each side of Jared's face. "You are so blind. Always have been. I look like every other pretty Hollywood boy. You. Are _so_ hot."

Jared blushed.

Jensen laughed and quickly reclaimed Jared's lips with his own. It was hotter, if that was possible. And wetter. And growing ever so quickly out of control. So easy to just take. One touch and they'd be lost. But there were things he didn't know. Things he didn't remember.

Using the last of his wavering strength he pulled away and took a deep breath. Jared immediately turned serious.

"Too much?" he asked cautiously.

"No. I mean. It's not that. Exactly." He stepped further into Jared's room and tried to curb his raging desire. He had to know what was what before …

"Jared. The last thing I remember. About you and … I know you fooled around a little with guys. But you'd said it never went past a hand job. I don't remember … what we did."

Jared turned away. Jensen didn't know what to think except maybe he'd hurt him. Jared's voice was barely audible. "I forget you don't remember."

"I'm sorry."

Jared turned abruptly. "No. No, we're not doing that again. I'm not sorry. It is what it is. We can build new memories. I'm not looking to live in the past."

Jensen tried to read Jared's face. "It's just that I need to know—"

"I'm not a virgin anymore."

Jensen stared at him, mind swirling with questions.

Jared held his gaze, chin rising slightly. "Look. I'm no expert. It was all pretty new to me. But. I bet there isn't much we didn't try."

Jensen's mouth opened slightly, breath catching. "In one weekend?"

"It was a really good weekend."

Jared's gaze never totally left him. Even when he seemed to be looking elsewhere Jensen still felt that warm feeling of want. The kissing stopped. Somehow talking about having sex seemed to still the desperation that Jensen feared was getting out of hand. Shit, he really didn't know what he was doing. What he wanted. Okay, he knew what he wanted. Just didn't know if he should get it.

For the first time he felt envy at Jared's memories. They sounded pretty darn good.

They continued their mini-bar party. Only this time in Jared's room. They started on the tiny Bacardi bottles.

"Coke?"

Jensen nodded. "Sure." He hoped all this alcohol and sugar wasn't going to make his stomach churn again. Jared wouldn't even feel it. He consumed sugar like others consumed water. And yet, look at him. Jensen shifted on the sofa, trying to distract himself from the thoughts that would not quit. He'd fucked Jay. And didn't remember it. That was _really_ unfair. This led to a new question. Not that he'd never done it, but it had been a long time since …

The drink was obnoxiously sweet. Maybe he should have asked for Diet Coke.

Jared settled across from him, back to the armrest, long legs bent at the knees. Okay, clearly this was a new kink since the accident because suddenly he really didn't want anyone smaller than six foot four. His previous thought swirled back. Been years since he'd bottomed. He'd been a teenager the first time. Felt okay, well, after a while. But he quickly discovered he liked the reverse better. Liked keeping the control if he was honest. And if he really dug deep he could admit he'd felt awkward being that vulnerable.

His eyes drifted back to Jared and the innate gentleness inside that large frame, the way he held him when they kissed, a heady combination of tender and firm that didn't make sense, but was Jared. What would it feel like to have Jared draped over him, inside him, rocking into him …

"You okay?"

Jensen looked up from where he'd been studying the bubbles rising in his glass. "Yeah. Just thinking."

" 'Bout what?"

Jensen bit his lower lip and tilted his head before looking up. "Myself actually. I know, pretty narcissistic."

"Well, I don't know about narcissistic but you got the 'pretty' part right." Jared smirked at Jensen's blush. "And adorable."

Jared really needed to stop saying stuff like that to him.

"It was the first thing I thought," Jared's smirk was replaced by an expression of sincerity.

Jensen looked at Jared questioningly. "What was?"

"When we first met." Jared's voice had dropped low. "That you were breathtaking."

Jensen didn't know what to say to this. He struggled with how absurdly good it felt to know Jared thought this. He offered back, "I remember you smiled at me. And then you laughed. An' I laughed back because … because you just made people do that. Still do."

Jared leaned forward, hands draped over his bent knees. "You mean in Eric's office. You remember that?"

"Yeah. Old stuff all came back. Well, I think it did, wouldn't really know what I can't remember. But meeting you. Yeah."

Jared stared at him with nothing short of wonder. "You know, I've missed a lot of things. But this … just, us, hanging out. Being friends. I don't want to give that up."

"Me neither."

Jared smiled and rose, going back to the mini-bar. "What's next?"

"I think maybe I should switch to water."

That earned him a laugh. "Lightweight."

Jared flicked on the television and they surfed channels for a while.

Somewhere along the way Jared commandeered the sofa and ended up with his feet on Jensen's lap. It was a while before he realized how comfortably familiar this was. They must have settled on a sofa like this hundreds of times. And how many of all those times Jensen had looked at Jared and watched the play of light against his skin from the television and felt something warm curl low in his belly.

And did nothing.

"Jared? How … that weekend, the one I can't remember, how'd we end up, you know?"

Jared lifted his legs off Jensen and sat up. Jensen immediately missed the warmth, the weight. "I don't know."

Jensen stared. "What do you mean? I'm the one with the amnesia. You were there."

"Yep. I was there. But damn if I know what happened." He paused, looked at Jensen intently. "Actually, best answer I can give is that _you_ happened."

Jensen processed. Was Jared saying … "You mean I'm the one who … ?"

"Oh yeah. You were definitely the one who."

Jensen did not know what to make of this information. He realized Jared was staring at him, not blinking. "Jen? Why did you come here? To the con?"

"Wanted to let you know about the show." _Wasn_ _'_ _t_ _that_ _the_ _reason?_

Jared continued to study him. The intensity was making him squirm. They were closer on the sofa and he wasn't sure how that happened. Jared's eyes just weren't letting him go and his face seemed to _burn_. Or was that Jensen who was burning?

"I came for you."

The words hung there for a moment until Jared burst into a sunshine smile and the world glowed behind Jared's eyes. Jensen's body grew hotter and not touching became painful.

He didn't remember moving. Couldn't say how they ended up horizontal, panting, devouring. He needed Jared - needed to taste him, feel him, fill him, right then, right there. Now.

They tangled legs and arms and lips, open and searching and clinging wildly. Jensen ran his tongue over Jared's smooth, angular jaw as he had done before, but now he was not going to stop and he nipped at the soft skin of Jared's neck while grinding into him from above, feeling his dick pulse as it mashed against Jared's through their jeans. Fuck, he tasted so good and felt so hard. Jared brought his hand around and cupped Jensen's ass and pushed them closer together and the feel of those large hands right there …

"Jay?" he murmured into Jared's mouth. "Wanna know … did you … fuck _me_?"

Jared's pupils widened impossibly wide, leaving only a sliver of hazel as he pulled back and inhaled sharply. "Yes." He licked his lips and continued in a syrupy voice. "I sucked you. I licked you _all_ over. I fucked you. You came so hard you burst a blood vessel."

" _Fuck._ "

Jared chuckled before attacking Jensen's mouth again. Jensen plunged his tongue deep inside and danced it slowly against Jared's, sucking slowly, tasting, nibbling … _wanting_ _wanting_ _wanting_ … "Want to taste you, fuck, please …"

He fumbled with Jared's belt buckle, hands feeling stupid and clumsy through the haze of lust controlling every cell in his body. Jared pushed back gently until Jensen was up on his knees on the sofa. Eyes never leaving Jensen's face, Jared stood and started undressing slowly while Jensen watched paralyzed. Once his tee-shirt was off Jared finished the work on his buckle and opened the button on his fly. Jensen found his mind again and dove forward to bring Jared's zipper down in one hard tug and pulled the jeans down Jared's slim hips.

Jensen touched Jared's erection through the thin boxers, palming the shape of Jared's dick and smiling at what he found.

"Your turn," Jared said, taking a step back.

Jensen undressed quickly, turned back naked to Jared and smiled at the appreciative stare he was getting. "What? Not the first time you've seen me."

Jared sucked in air and stood stock still as Jensen finally disposed of Jared's boxers.

"Whoa. Hard to believe I'd forget this." Jensen shivered as he brushed a hand along Jared's inner thigh.

Jared colored and then moaned softly as Jensen took him in his hand. Squeezing gently, Jensen looked up. "Don't have to even ask if I blew you. Wanted to forever. Imagined my lips around your big, gorgeous cock, filling my mouth."

Jared's dick jerked in his hand and for a minute Jensen feared Jared would lose it before he even got to taste and he couldn't have that. Pressure to the base and a gentle push to sit Jared back down on the sofa before Jensen settled between those long legs and gave in to a craving he felt he'd had for fucking ever.

He took a few minutes to taste up the long length, feeling the weight against his tongue and licking up the drops of pre-come gathering at the head. Jared squirmed and let out begging moans until he leaned forward and gripped himself, pointing his cock toward Jensen's mouth. The sheer hotness of that threatened to undo Jensen right there and he opened his lips and let Jared slide his cock inside. Jared shuddered and his hand fell away to drop by his side as he slid back against the cushions. Jensen snuck a look up and the look of molten pleasure on Jared's face went straight to his own cock.

He sucked in his cheeks and took Jared deeper, feeling him tease the very back of his throat as he breathed in through his nose and ran his hand over the hard flesh with each upstroke. He worked his mouth and lips and hand over Jared's cock for a while before licking his finger and teasing gently at the skin beneath his balls, moving his hand lower to tease inside. Jared jerked against his hand and Jensen smiled.

He stretched up for a quick kiss, and smothered against Jared's lips he whispered, "You gonna let me fuck you?"

He returned his lips to Jared's dick before he heard the answer but the immediate frantic thrusts made Jensen think the answer might be yes. He knew Jared was close as shuddering wracked his body and he cried out _Jen_ _Jen_ and Jensen began to pull away, never usually swallowed, but Jared tasted so good and felt so good and was so hard and pulsing. Jared broke with a loud fevered moan and Jensen swallowed convulsively, feeling the salty, hot taste in the back of his throat and thinking how easily he could get addicted to this.

When Jared was able to speak somewhat coherently again he smiled lazily at Jensen and mumbled, "You have no idea how much I've missed you."

Jensen kissed him again, feeling Jared lick his taste out of Jensen's mouth with long languid strokes. Jensen assumed that Jay was talking about the blow job but as the kiss intensified and Jared held on with a vise like grip it felt … it felt like more. He put his hands on Jared's shoulders, and pulled back. "You okay?"

Jared met his eyes a second before closing his own and burying his face into Jensen's chest, pressing so hard it was almost uncomfortable. Jensen held on tight, letting whatever was happening to Jared pass. Jensen felt a flutter of nerves ripple through his belly. Maybe Jared was missing _him_. The Jensen he knew from before. The one from that weekend.

Voice hoarse he spoke into Jared's ear. "I'm sorry if it's not the same. I don't know what to do differently. Don't know how to be him."

Jared jerked free at that. "What?"

Jensen saw moisture in Jared's eyes and felt his heart sink. "You miss him, old me. I get it. It's why I … because it can't be the same. Jay, I feel like I stole something from you. You look so sad sometimes."

Jared grabbed his face as he had earlier, one large palm on each side, thumbs rubbing his cheeks. "You really are brain damaged, aren't you?"

Jensen wasn't quite sure he heard right. Jared's voice was ferocious.

"I was sad because you fucking left me, you idiot. Because you told me to go find somebody else. The only person I want is sitting right here."

"But you said you missed-"

"You. I missed _you_." Jared poked him in the chest. "This you. Right here. Who can't remember breakfast but remembers watching the Cowboys with me, and how wrecked I was filming when you die and who makes fun of my gassiness and laughs with me even when I'm not funny and makes me implode in bed and rides out my sugar highs. Who gives the same amount of dedication to a scene whether it's his or not." He stopped like he'd run out of steam and breathed harshly. "You," he repeated. "My best friend. My lover."

Jensen just stared because he was afraid he might cry if he tried to speak.

"Jen, if you hadn't come to me, I woulda come to find you."

Jensen searched for his own reflection in Jared's eyes. Seeking the man Jared saw. He felt for the first time since waking up as someone else in a strange foreign place that maybe he'd come home.

Like he'd been found.

Staring into Jared's beautiful eyes, a fresh swirl of desire flared down deep in his belly. He couldn't keep the flirt out of his voice, "And what would you have done, when you'd found me."

The spark passed between them. Jared leaned in and pressed his lips to Jensen's. "This."

Didn't take long for them to be back where they'd been before. "Bed," they murmured simultaneously.

They fell together in a sweaty muddle and only pulled apart long enough for Jensen to find Jared's bottle of lube and condoms. He spent more time preparing Jared than he ever remembered with anyone else because whether they'd done this before or not it felt like the first time for Jensen and hurting Jared was out of the question.

He started with his mouth which drove Jared so crazy Jensen found himself almost chuckling. By the time he worked his way up to his fingers Jared was writhing and straining beneath him and looked so fucking hot Jensen thought he might come before he ever got himself inside. And then Jared started to beg, calling his name and pleading for more, for Jensen, and going as slow as he could Jensen pushed himself inside. It was so tight it hurt and Jensen asked Jared over and over if it was okay, if he should stop. Until Jared reached down and tugged Jensen's hips forward mumbling, "Fuck, you did the same thing last time … I'm fine … just _fuck_ me already."

The rest blurred into a mix of heat and tightness and mind-blowing pleasure. Jared reached down and fisted his palm around his dick and Jensen joined him moving their hands together, thrusting his hips and plunging into Jared in ever faster strokes. Jared came first, hot, streaming bursts, coating Jensen's stomach and mouthing Jensen's name and _love_ _you_ in a breathless whisper. Emotions old and new vibrated through Jensen and he shattered into Jared, releasing into him, seeking his lips, and breathing his name into his tongue.

Once the orgasmic shudders subsided Jensen found just enough strength to discard the condom and wipe each of them off with some tissues before collapsing partly on Jared, his heartbeat steady and comforting beneath Jensen's ear as they both drifted off. For now.

– – –

Jared roused first that morning and immediately indulged in perusing every inch of Jensen sprawled out so invitingly on his stomach. Jensen's hair was a mess, although never to the Padalecki level of hair ridiculousness. The light filtering in through the curtains highlighted the freckles on Jensen's cheeks, on his arms, one draped across Jared's chest. The sheets were a disintegrated mess. Jared smiled. He'd missed that. Missed this.

Jensen was on his stomach, which really gave an amazing view. Strong, muscled back curving down into the best ass Jared had ever seen. Now it was true that his close proximity to male butts was somewhat limited. Still. Round and pert and … okay. He was really up now. Hee.

He shifted his gaze back up to suddenly meet a pair of inquisitive green eyes.

"Were you checking out my ass?"

"Absolutely."

Jensen smiled but went to try to reach the blanket or top sheet or anything. After a few minutes of grabbing at air he gave up and turned over on his back. "What happened to the bedding?"

Jared laughed, full and rich. But then he noticed, the view just got way better. "It's around." He licked his lips.

Jensen noted where Jared's eyes were now locked and started to pinken. "There were sheets here last night, weren't there?"

"Mm, probably." He rose to hover over Jensen. "Fuck, Jen, do you have any idea how fuckable you look right now?"

Jensen's face reddened and his pupils grew larger and Jared held back just a second to take in the details because he wished he could store each and every one in a big locked box and keep them forever. He pressed himself over Jensen, smashing their bodies together and felt Jen's returning groan as a shudder against his throat.

Firm thighs spread apart letting Jared rest between them. He slid down and put his ear to Jensen's heart. Best sound in the world. Jen ran his fingers through Jared's hair, lingering at the soft hairs along his nape. Suddenly Jared had to know something. "Jen … you remember last night, right?"

Jensen lifted his hand away and Jared's neck felt chilled. For a split sickening moment he thought Jensen didn't even know what he was talking about but then warm hands were locked on his arms, urging him up so that they were face to face.

"C'mere." Jared inched back until he was staring at Jensen's incredible eyes. "Every second, baby."

The words took Jared's breath away and he sank closer capturing Jensen's mouth with his, sucking in air and letting those amazing lips warm his soul. Jensen kissed him back, instinctively wrapping his thighs tighter against him.

The sudden shrill peal of the alarm Jared had set made them both jump.

"Fuck."

Jensen laughed. "Not till later."

Jared rolled off reluctantly. They both sat up. He turned back to Jensen, feeling pretty certain he knew the answer but having to ask. "You're staying today, right? Flying out tomorrow like I am?"

"We're not on the same flight because I'm going back to Texas and I assumed you're returning to L.A. but, yeah, tomorrow."

Jared's smile lit the room.

Jensen rose and took a few steps toward the bathroom, then turned back. Jared followed but stopped to admire Jensen's naked body one more time. Jensen was uncharacteristically unselfconscious. He hoped that meant that some of his reserve might be diminishing. But Jensen's eyes were wide and his face puzzled.

"Huh."

Jared looked around at the explosion of sheets and pillows and blankets and bedspreads, radiating out from all directions from the bed like a crazy octopus.

Jensen looked at him. "I don't remember doing _that_."

Jared burst out laughing.

– – –

Jared approached the stage for his second and last full session with a definite spring to his step. He wasn't quite singing but he was getting there. Jared had made it down to his smaller breakfast session that morning a little late. Wasn't his fault, he just needed an extra long shower that morning given last night's activities. And, well, some shower-related activities.

The convention administrator had smiled brightly at him. "You're chipper this morning." And Jared had felt an honest-to-god blush heat his cheeks.

The day afforded little time to see Jensen. After the morning session he had a photo session and then a lunch break. Then came another autograph session. Jensen hung out with Misha and Jim and Clif. Jared would not let Clif away from Jensen given the over-the-top reaction the day before to his presence.

"But when you're on-stage, he should be with you, Jay. That's always the way it is. We're not changing that now." Jensen had a stubborn streak that a mule would envy. Of course, Jared knew how to dig in his heals as well.

Finally they compromised and Clif stuck with Jensen while Jared was at the smaller breakfast session. But for the much larger afternoon one Clif would stay with Jared. But only if Jensen agreed to also be there offstage so that Clif could keep an eye out for him. Jensen said he didn't want to come onstage again and Jared could respect that.

Under the best of circumstances Jensen didn't like the sometimes overwhelming fan attention. The explosion of the previous day had left him spooked.

Jared, however, was feeling really good. He knew Jensen was near and safe, even if he stayed hidden from sight. He got to feel the love in the room directed at him. At the show. At Jensen even if they couldn't see him, didn't know he was there.

The moderator opened by introducing him and then shouting to the crowd. "Did you like _When_ _the_ _Levee_ _Breaks_?"

The applause was thunderous. Almost matching yesterday's intensity and he couldn't help but feel pride because _Levee_ was his episode. He was almost in every scene. Hadn't worked harder on any other episode.

But it was a hollow pride. Because Jensen had been hurt.

He fought it away and smiled at the crowd, shouting, "So y'all liked that?"

Eventually everyone settled down and normal questioning resumed. He was mindful to not repeat any stories he'd told yesterday although some from this morning came back around. Someone shouted asking where the candy was and he made a big show of pouting at the moderator saying she didn't give him any.

A huge bag appeared and the show began.

There were a ton of questions about season five. Jared knew what he was allowed to say from the brief early morning call with the producers, which wasn't much. Plus he really didn't know all that much. They usually only told Jensen and himself what to expect for maybe two episodes.

He was permitted to disclose that the brothers would indeed see each other again before the season premier was over. That it was only in the last few minutes that this happened he figured was best left out of the answer. If he didn't like it, he could imagine how the fans would feel.

The time flew fast as he kept his answers lively and funny, tossing out candy to those he thought asked the wackiest questions. He liked a lot of British expressions. Like nutters for someone a little, well, nuts. How great was that? And absobloodylutely, which had to be the best word in the universe. After a questioner used it they went back and forth before he asked his question, Jared latched on to this and much to the audience's amusement, worked it into every answer after that no matter what they were about.

A woman rose and took the mike and started not with a question but a compliment.

"You were absobloodylutely brilliant in _When_ _the_ _Levee_ _Breaks_."

Jared and the audience hooted appropriately at her using his adopted expression. Then she followed up innocently, "Have you seen it?" Her eyes drifted up.

Jared kept his smile and was about to reply simply, 'not yet,' even though the truer answer was 'not ever' when he noted her eyes and followed her gaze to the tremendous screen above his head.

Jared stopped laughing as if ice had been poured down his back. He took in the mammoth scene playing out above his head. He was tied to the cot in the panic room and Dean was standing over him, vicious, dismissing him. _You're_ _nothing_ _to_ _me._

A chill crawled down Jared's spine. The scene from _Levee_ disappeared and suddenly he saw himself clutching the mike tight. He jerked his face away and shut his eyes. The image of Jensen flying across the wedding suite played in slow motion behind his eyeballs, floating and then suddenly slamming … the thud, like a bowling ball falling into a hard mud.

"N-no … I can't …" His voice broke and the pressure of hot tears burned behind his eyes and he couldn't fucking breathe.

The audience got quiet at once, almost like they were taken over by a collective mind meld.

Jared sensed something changed when the volume shot up like someone threw a switch, but then an arm was on his shoulder, while another pushed the mike down and away. "Jay. It's okay."

He latched onto Jensen and murmured. "I'm gonna fucking lose it, man, right here."

Jensen put an arm around him, and turned him away from the audience. "No. You're not. I'm here. I'm fine. Look at me." Jared met his eyes. "I'm gonna stay and answer the last questions with you."

Jared tried to pull himself together. "No. God, they're going crazy already. Go back to Clif. I'll … not sure what … just didn't expect it. Never realized they were running clips like that … I'm okay now. Go back offstage. You don't have to stay here." He tried to steady his voice but wasn't able to control the leftover tremble.

"Shut up," Jensen replied before squeezing his shoulder one last time and pulling him closer. "The _Levee_ clips are gone. I made Clif find the handlers and they stopped them. Now introduce me."

Jared swallowed hard and took in as much air as he could before lifting the microphone and speaking his best friend's name.

**Chapter 12**

There were twelve hundred miles and a two-hour time difference between Dallas and Los Angeles. As Jared turned in his bed for the umpteenth time he thought it might as well be the distance between the Earth and the moon.

He'd only been back to sleeping alone for two days. And given that the cumulative number of days he and Jensen had shared a bed still could fit within the fingers of his hands, you'd think he'd be more used to it than not. Except. He missed him.

Okay, time to give in to his inner thirteen-year-old girl.

Jared picked up his cell phone and started pecking.

–––––––––––

From: JPad

To: JAckles

U up?

–––––––––––

From: JAckles

To: JPad

Yep. U2?

–––––––––––

From: JPad

To: JAckles

No. Im sleep typing :D

–––––––––––

From: JAckles

To: JPad

LOL

–––––––––––

From: JPad

To: JAckles

Miss u

–––––––––––

From: JAckles

To: JPad

Me 2

–––––––––––

Jared turned to glance at the clock and quickly added some hours. It was two a.m. in Texas. He suddenly wondered why Jensen was still up. Usually when visiting with his family he tended to keep tamer hours.

–––––––––––

From: JPad

To: JAckles

Late 4 u. How come u r still up?

–––––––––––

From: JAckles

To: JPad

Thought I answered that already.

–––––––––––

Jared's heart sped up. Another message from Jensen came in quickly.

–––––––––––

From: JAckles

To: JPad

What r u up 2? Chad still a douche?

–––––––––––

From: JPad

To: JAckles

:D :D :D

Always. Thought Id try to crash early. But I couldnt sleep.

–––––––––––

From: JAckles

To: JPad

Bet I could help u sleep. :)

–––––––––––

From: JPad

To: JAckles

Hey, u emoticoned.

–––––––––––

From: JAckles

To: JPad

What?

–––––––––––

Jared laughed at the reply. Jensen never texted much. And when he did, he never used smiley faces. Pretty much ever. Jared pondered this. Was it some sort of aftermath of the accident? The need to add emoticons to text messages? He laughed again because of all the absurdities he'd experienced of late, this just might be number one.

–––––––––––

To: JAckles

From: JPad

I know u could.

–––––––––––

To: JPad

From: JAckles

U high, dude? Could what?

–––––––––––

To: JAckles

From: JPad

Help me sleep ~~

–––––––––––

To: JPad

From: JAckles

**smile**

Whats ~~ mean?

–––––––––––

To: JAckles

From: JPad

Im waggling my eyebrows at u.

–––––––––––

To: JPad

From: JAckles

U know u r crazy, right?

–––––––––––

To: JAckles

From: JPad

About u.

–––––––––––

Jared stopped after he hit send. A moment of worry tingled his stomach. He'd been aiming for light, but was suddenly scared he'd come off too strong. He felt like their relationship was on this tight wire. And if Jared pushed too hard one of them was going to fall off.

–––––––––––

To: JPad

From: JAckles

:)

–––––––––––

Jared stared at his phone and couldn't stop smiling. It took a second to realize that another message had come in.

–––––––––––

To: JPad

From: JAckles

Jay, I should go 2 sleep. Going riding early tomorrow.

–––––––––––

To: JAckles

From: JPad

Yeah. Have fun. I'll call u tomorrow.

–––––––––––

To: JPad

From: JAckles

U better. Gnite Jay.

–––––––––––

To: JAckles

From: JPad

Gnite Jen.

;*

means kiss

–––––––––––

Jared stared at his phone rereading their thread of text messages, savoring their connection and trying to still his overbeating heart when one last message came in.

–––––––––––

To: JPad

From: JAckles

;**

–––––––––––

And Jared fell that much more in love.

– – –

"Okay, so why can't we just skip ahead to the 'they lived happily ever after' part?"

"Um, because you live in the real world?"

"I had a feeling you'd say that."

Kate smiled. "But it's been good for the most part?"

Jared looked at her. "Well, he doesn't vomit any more when I kiss him," he joked.

This drew a chuckle which Jared felt compelled to join. "When do you start shooting again?"

"Two weeks. Jen is coming back a week from today."

"I can tell by your smile how happy that makes you."

Jared crossed one leg over the other and leaned forward a little. "Yeah. Been a long three weeks."

"Last time you were together was in England?"

"Yeah. It was amazing how he surprised me there."

Kate smiled. "It was a very sweet gesture."

Jared could only smile in reply. He'd left Los Angeles and come back to Vancouver early with his dogs. As much as he loved his friends he knew he was a bit of a wet blanket around them because he missed Jensen like crazy. It was hard to explain to everyone. They all knew how much time he and Jen spent together when shooting. And since they'd be shooting again soon they pretty much didn't get it.

But this hiatus was extra long and the uncertainty about the future of the show made it feel like forever. Nothing matched the experience of Jensen walking across that stage. It was when he realized how not alive he'd been all those weeks. It was when his heart woke up.

"Does Jensen start shooting in two weeks, too?" Kate asked into the silence.

"Well, might be a little longer for Jensen because they've worked around him a bunch – trying to give him as much prep time as possible. I'll be … but that's okay. It's good. It's all good."

Kate's eyebrow rose as she read between the lines. "You being overworked is all good?"

"I didn't say … Yeah, I'll have some crazy hours but the show is back and we'll be bringing Sam and Dean full circle. I can handle the extra hours."

"Still, it could get stressful."

He flashed her a smile. "That's why I have you."

She smiled back. "How's Jensen doing with his memory?"

"Better than he gives himself credit for. He still gets frustrated, but not as much. He's started keeping journals. One at home and a smaller, portable one."

"To help with the memory loss?"

"Mostly. I mean, it's one of the techniques like the post-its. But I guess maybe it helps him in other ways as well." He smiled. "Very Winchester thing to do, the journal. Kinda ironic."

Kate returned his smile. "Have you considered a journal for yourself?"

"I kept one with dreams like you suggested. I could add some stuff in there, I guess."

"You seem hesitant."

"Just afraid it'll end up a cross between a bitchfest and the diary of a thirteen-year-old girl." He smiled at his own assessment.

Kate grinned back but then asked softly, "And if it did?"

He looked at her and conceded her point. "I guess you're right."

"There are unpleasant feelings, Jared, but no bad ones."

He shook his head because this 'accept your feelings' theme was Kate's favorite. And he'd gotten better at it. Even better at expressing them to Jensen. A little. Too much and he was afraid that Jensen would want to leave him again. And he didn't even want to know what Kate would make of that.

– – –

Jared stood watching the luggage carousel turn.

In the distance there were some giggles. He'd been recognized. No surprise. He really hoped Jensen wouldn't be angry that he'd decided to do this. They hadn't planned it. In fact, Jensen had pretty clearly said he'd see him at home and that he'd arranged transportation home. Hopefully that transportation could also hold him as he'd taken a taxi to the airport.

Jared bounced on his soles anxiously. It's not like he could grab Jensen here in public and ravish him like he'd like. He smiled. God, he'd missed him. The first thing he'd added to his now expanded dream journal was a countdown to Jensen's return. Yep. Just like a chick's diary.

A camera flash went off. That didn't take long. He smiled and waved. Someone asked who he was waiting for. He stayed quiet. Maybe this was a mistake. Jensen wouldn't like the attention. He looked around. Maybe he should leave.

Some luggage started pouring out of the opening and a few folks appeared coming down the escalator. Out of the corner of his eye he caught the initials JRA on a driver's sign. Had to be Jensen's ride. Maybe he should ask the guy where his car was parked and go wait …

"Jared?"

Jensen stood in front of him.

Jared couldn't speak for the overwhelming feeling constricting his chest.

"Hi Jay?"

Cameras flashed and murmurs abounded and Jared heard nothing. Just looked. Until it hurt. And then Jensen stepped closer and hugged him.

It was quick. And one-armed, manly. But, god, it felt good. Jared finally managed, "Missed you."

"Me, too."

Jared smiled. The camera flashes were nonstop now. And Jared sensed Jensen's tension like a wire.

He put his hand on the small of Jensen's back and steered him toward the man holding the JRA sign.

The driver approached. "Mr. Ackles. Do you have luggage?"

Jensen nodded no, nothing beyond the carry-on. He eyed Jared. "Jay, did you drive?"

Jared looked sheepish. "Um. No. I kinda need a ride."

Jensen smiled.

They'd almost made it to the exit when a reporter was suddenly in their face and Jensen had to stop short.

"Jensen … Just a few questions? Will you be resuming filming right away?"

Jared answered to draw her attention away. "We start next week. We're not going to say any more now. Okay?" He started pushing Jensen onward. Damn. He wished Clif were here.

"Jensen … it's been reported the accident has caused you memory damage? Is that so? Will it impact your ability to play Dean?"

Jared scowled. "No comment right now, please." He pushed Jensen around the woman so they could keep walking.

She kept after them.

"Jensen—did you watch the accident on TMV? The injunction stopped them from airing it again. But it's still on the Web. How do you feel about that?"

Jensen stopped. Turned. Dean Winchester glared until the reporter's head dropped and her face reddened. When they resumed walking she didn't follow.

Jared kept quiet in the limo, worried about whether Jensen could let it go. They were close to home and Jensen's jaw was still tight.

"Hey, talk to me."

Jensen just shook his head.

"Jen, I'm sorry. I should've waited at home, I just wanted … I missed you."

At that, Jensen's tight face relaxed a little.

"I know, Jay, not your fault. Gonna have to get used to having a more public profile. Be good for the show, I guess." He ran a hand over his face tiredly.

And he'd only been back less than an hour, Jared reflected.

As the door opened they were greeted by a very excited Sadie, and as Jensen squatted down to scratch behind her ears Jared could see his tension ease. Harley sauntered over for some loving as well. It was so good to have Jensen home.

Jensen rose and Jared moved to him, held his face and drew their lips together. Finally. They ignited like a kerosene dipped torch. Drowning in the heat he wondered if it could really always feel this way. Every time. But then Jensen's tongue was in his mouth and all wondering ceased. There was only this. Only him. Only them.

Jared pulled away slowly for air, to see Jensen, to touch his face. "Hey."

Jensen's eyes looked glazed. "Hey."

"Thank you."

Jensen lifted his eyebrows in question.

"For being here." _For_ _coming_ _back_ _to_ _me_. Jared couldn't talk any longer and took Jensen in another kiss.

Later, Jared sat on Jen's bed as he unpacked. He hesitated but then spoke his mind. "Do you maybe wanna leave some things upstairs? I could, you know, clean out a drawer. An' part of the closet."

Jensen turned at that. " 'S not such a big deal to walk down a flight of stairs to get dressed in the morning." Jared forced himself to hear only the good. If he'd be walking down stairs then … "But I could do with one drawer."

Jared's dimples sprung into view.

Later, they ordered Chinese takeout and played video games. Jared tried to keep his eagerness at getting Jensen back into his bed under control. The memory of their kiss by the door still burned. Take it slow, he reminded himself. After losing at Guitar Hero three times in a row to Jensen, Jared surrendered.

"Movie?" Jared asked, walking over to their massive stack of DVDs. He idly thought they really should get a cabinet to store them all in. Maybe some sort of shelving system that could hang on the wall.

"Was thinking of going to bed."

Jared's back was still to Jensen. He bit down on his lip and squashed his disappointment. "Oh. Yeah. You must be beat. Flying always tires me out no matter how short the flight. I, um, I'll keep the volume down out here, okay?"

A hand suddenly wrapped around his shoulder, drawing him back up. He turned around slowly. Jensen's eyes razed into him. "Was thinking of going to bed with you."

Jared swallowed at the heat emanating off his lover. All parts came to attention at once. " _Fuck_ ," he muttered before sinking into a kiss.

They never made it upstairs. The sofa was closer as the kissing took over Jared's senses and before he knew it they were dry humping like teenagers and sliding their hands down each other jeans and he came all over himself with a shuddering cry. Jared swallowed his name from Jen's lips as his hand gave a final tug and took Jen over the edge, too.

When they could breathe again Jensen murmured, "So _fucking_ hot."

Jared laughed.

Jensen rose up to catch his eyes. Something indecipherable floated in their depths and Jared wondered what he was thinking about. "Was it—like that the first time?"

"Yes. First time. All the time. Jensen, you fucking own me."

The seriousness retreated from Jensen's eyes and they crinkled into a sly smile. "My very own Padalecki sex slave?"

"At your service."

Jensen looked down at himself and crinkled his nose. "Hmm. Could use a shower." He put on a mock stern glare. "Wash me, slave."

Jared answered quickly. "With my mouth?"

He smiled as all the play left Jensen's face and his eyes darkened with instant lust.

Jared took Jensen's hand. "Upstairs," he said firmly.

Jensen complied silently. Seemed Jared rendered him speechless. Clearly, the ownership was pretty mutual.

– – –

The network wanted Jensen to go public and agree to an exclusive interview. Eric jumped on the bandwagon about this and even though he told Jensen he'd support whatever decision he made about an interview, his desires were crystal clear. The show would benefit greatly from the exposure.

Everyone wanted Jensen – from Oprah to Walters. His publicist spent hours consulting with his agent and presented a narrow list for Jensen to choose among.

His and Jared's mothers made the decision at the end. Both Donna and Sherri liked Katie Couric. Not that they knew her. But everyone felt like they did, he guessed. That, he understood in spades. He hoped her sweetheart reputation was deserved.

Jared asked him repeatedly if it might not be better if they did the interview together. But the truth was Jared didn't have the time. CBS was going to send a crew to ask some questions of Jared and a few others on set. Filming had resumed on the new season premier episode and the schedule was crazy aggressive. There were some rewrites to the original script which gave Jared more scenes and Jensen less. Consequently, Jay was working insane hours. Jensen had hardly seen Jared and evenings consisted of Jared collapsing into their bed. After seeking out Jensen for a quick snuggly kiss, he'd be dead to the world.

The night before Jensen's interview Jared staggered into the house at two a.m. but hadn't fallen straight asleep, having reached that point of exhaustion that shifted into wired. Jensen laid quietly as Jared wriggled beside him, knees and feet and hands in jiggly motion. Motor mouth running.

"So it was a good day?" Jensen asked even though Jared's enthusiasm was obvious.

"Yeah. _Real_ good. Worked with Gen all day. She's just such a great girl. Well, you know from last year but she's gotten even better if you can believe it. Still hate that she was written out. We had pages of dialogue and it could have been a nightmare but she nailed all her scenes in like two takes. Kripke was thrilled with her performance. Bet he's feeling sorry he decided to kill her now."

Jensen broke in while Jared sneaked in a breath. "But that moment, when Sam holds Ruby and Dean kills her with her own knife – it's a great scene, Jay."

Jared nodded reluctantly. Jensen could see they weren't on the same page on this. Felt odd. "I guess," Jared mumbled. "It's just, I like having her around. Gonna miss her."

Suddenly the bed felt too enclosed. Jensen jumped up and dashed into the bathroom.

Earlier that evening, waiting for Jared, he'd been writing in his journal. He also reread old passages. Was part of the memory techniques. He knew that Jared had dated Genevieve briefly when they'd been apart during hiatus. Entries relating to his time in England with Jared relayed the relief he'd felt when Jared confessed that it hadn't gone anywhere. That Jared missed Jensen. He hadn't even had to read that. Jensen remembered everything about that first night in Birmingham.

He ran warm water over his face, let it drip into his too-dry, tired eyes.

A knock startled him. "Jen?"

Jensen turned off the tap. What was wrong with him? If Jensen could count on anything it had to be this. Them.

But the devil in his mind wasn't letting up. Jared had been into girls pretty much exclusively. He'd been with Sandy for four years. Was going to marry her. Sure, he was bi. That was obvious. But what if deep down he just enjoyed women better?

 _Nailed_ _all_ _her_ _scenes_ _in_ _two_ _takes_. Must have been nice to work with a professional again. Someone at the top of her craft. Not forgetful and fumbling and useless. No wonder Jared had had such a great day. Jensen hadn't been on set. _Damn_.

He flicked the water back on cold this time. The chill spilt down his neck and trickled down his chest freezing everything in its path.

The knock got louder. "You okay?"

Jensen swiped a towel against his cold skin and opened the door almost bumping into Jared who jumped back. "Yeah. Fine."

"Jen?"

Ignoring Jared he worked his way back to the bed but stood staring at it. _Gonna_ _miss_ _her_. He turned his head to the door. He really wanted to head downstairs. Wanted to sleep alone. Couldn't … couldn't handle Jared's over-the-top solicitousness right now.

"Jen, what's wrong?"

Sighing deeply, he turned. "Nothing. Just got the interview tomorrow. Thought maybe I'll go down to my room. Let us both get some sleep."

Jared visibly paled. "Shit. Couric is tomorrow. I'd forgotten. Jen, I'm sorry. I'm an idiot babbling about myself. You should have—Don't go … I won't talk anymore, I'll be quiet. Let you sleep. I promise. You don't have to—"

He met Jared's eyes because even through the blackness creeping inside him he knew he owed him that much. "It's not you. I—just need a little space. Good night, Jared."

The broken eyes that met his threatened to unravel him completely so he turned quickly and walked downstairs before Jared could even return the goodnight.

– – –

The morning was rushed and awkward. Jared came down just as Jensen took his first sip of coffee. He glanced at the time and realized how late Jared was running. Clif would be knocking in minutes.

Jared looked like shit. Eyes rimmed red with dark crescents shadowing beneath. Jensen instantly felt like a first-rate jerk.

He put the cup down and took Jared in a hug. " 'M sorry."

Jared accepted the hug and didn't say anything other than squeeze back harder. The knock on the door made them both jolt.

"Clif's here," Jared said.

Jensen nodded. He pulled out a travel mug and poured coffee into it for Jared to take on the road. Jared opened the door and asked Clif if he'd mind waiting in the car, that Jared would be right out. Something silent must have been communicated because the normally teasing Clif said nothing and left after giving Jensen nothing more than a quick nod.

Jared took the coffee, tried to smile. It didn't reach his eyes, which remained wary.

Jensen looked away, fighting down guilt. That sometimes repressed but ever hovering feeling of _Jared_ _deserves_ _better_ stood front and center now. "Jay, I …"

"You have nothing to be sorry for. I was an ass."

"No, you weren't. Don't say that. Like I said, it's me."

Jared crept closer, touched his arm first and then when their eyes met he cupped Jensen's cheek. His voice was swishy, like sand in an hour glass. "I just want to be there for you."

"I know. Sometimes I … need space. Gotta fight my demons alone."

"Like Dean?"

Jensen grinned. "Like Dean." Jared's palm felt warm on his face. He'd been leaning into it. Moved off when he realized it. He was being an idiot yesterday, jealous over nothing. Jared would never …

"I gotta go. Good luck later. I hear she's a sweetheart. Just be you. She'll love you." Jared laughed. "Probably try to steal you from me."

The joke hit Jensen hard given where his head had been. "Can't be done."

Jared blinked and Jensen could see when the words floated into sense. Something shifted behind his eyes and he leaned in for a goodbye kiss. Jensen let himself get lost in the heat. Everything always made sense when they were like this. He trembled slightly when they parted and Jared left with the first smile of the day that really lit his face.

Jensen stared at the closed door. He couldn't really imagine the senseless universe that no-Jared represented.

– – –

The crew from CBS news was friendly and solicitous and as far as reporters go Katie Couric was as tame as Jensen could possibly expect. Didn't stop his heart from racing.

He'd been nervous on the drive over to the hotel suite they'd set up for the interview. Unable to sit still he'd fiddled until he found his pocket journal. Thought it might help. There was a note sticking out between the back cover and the last page.

Jared's kid-like scrawl wrote out "You'll be great." It was signed with a crudely drawn heart and then, "J."

It was impossible not to smile.

His publicist Ruth met him in the lobby and pep talked him all the way up. At some point her hovering started to irk. It's not like he didn't remember ever doing an interview before. And okay, Katie Couric wasn't exactly the gal from the CW Source, but an interview was an interview. He had his standard answers, he had his smile. He was an actor after all.

" … the accident."

Ruth's words broke through. "What?"

"I said that CBS insisted on no restrictions on the questions. They can ask anything. But you don't have to answer anything that you don't want to. Just look earnest and say, "I really can't talk about that." Deflect with humor. You know how good you are at that. And, of course, answer partially or answer something else, if at all possible, so nobody will even realize you deflected. But you're an old pro. You know all this."

He swallowed and nodded. The sweat pooled on his back. Piece of cake.

Jensen smiled at Katie. He had to give her credit – her reputation was carefully honed. From the moment she'd shaken his hand she'd smiled brilliantly at him. She looked him in the eye with honest care at all he said. Her blue eyes gleamed with warmth.

He was on autopilot at first. Familiar. Father was an actor. Middle child. Jensen started on _Days_ _of_ _our_ _Lives_ at eighteen. Working with James Cameron on _Dark_ _Angel_. _Supernatural_ _'_ _s_ success surprised everyone. He took a long drought of water as they took a short break. They were about to get to the accident and he knew all questioning would be harder from this point forward. Ruth stood behind the cameras and smiled at him encouragingly.

Jensen excused himself and stood to stretch. Impulsively, he pulled out his phone and turned it back on. He glanced at the time. Jared would be working most likely.

To: JPad

From: JAckles

U there?

He waited a few minutes but there was no reply. An assistant producer was waving him back and he felt like an idiot for sending the message. He shut his phone back off.

The lights were warm as he returned to his chair. Katie came back and took the seat across from him. She smiled broadly and said he was doing great. Part of him bristled at what could be seen as condescension but he fought it. Her face seemed sincere.

He smiled back.

The producer called for the taping to resume.

Katie leaned in, "Jensen? May we speak about your accident?"

He nodded.

"What do you remember?" Katie's body was tilted slightly toward him, her face radiating concern and interest.

"Nothing about the accident itself. In fact, my memory from right around that time was pretty much wiped out. Doctors don't expect it to come back."

"Is it true you were very disoriented when you first woke up? The doctors said you were in a coma for about twenty minutes."

"Yeah, you could say that." He took a deep breath. Nobody knew he was going to do this. "I woke up thinking I was Dean Winchester."

Katie's jaw visibly dropped and she let out a breathy, "What?"

He met her eyes, he just gave her the headline to this story. "They don't know how, but, probably because of the circumstances surrounding the accident some wires got crossed in my brain. Well, that's the layman interpretation in any case. I came to in the middle of my MRI. I thought I was in a coffin digging my way out. Back from hell."

He rendered her speechless. The producer asked if she wanted to keep rolling. She recovered quickly and motioned yes.

"Do you remember what happened then? What you did? What you were feeling?"

He rubbed the arms of his chair. "Some of it is fuzzy now. I remember being frightened. Panicked. Punching up and yelling until suddenly I was out. Then … I remember Sam."

"Jared Padalecki who plays your brother Sam on _Supernatural_?"

"Yes. They brought him to me. Only I didn't know him as Jared, as an actor. I thought he was my brother."

"That's—" Katie composed herself again. From the corner of his eye he saw Ruth. Couldn't make out her face with the lights on him but she seemed very still. "Did you believe in the mythology of the show? Did you believe in ghosts and demons and that the apocalypse was upon us?"

"At first, yes."

"Did Jared go along? Did he pretend to be Sam?"

"He must have right when I woke up. Because I let them resume testing. After that it was a blur of tests and exams. Eventually, my neurologist told me my name and profession and how Dean Winchester wasn't real."

Katie stared at him. "That couldn't have been easy. To be told you essentially don't exist."

Jensen was surprised at her immediate insight. Even those who love him didn't quite see this. "Yes," he answered softly.

She held his gaze a long moment and then moved on. "Clearly, you know who you are now. You've even returned to work. When did your memories start to return?"

"Pretty quickly. At first I remember thinking everyone was crazy. That the angels were controlling some sort of alternate reality. But then, things got clearer and I started remembering things from my childhood. I remembered my parents and brother and sister."

"Did you remember your colleagues from the show? Did you stop thinking of Jared as Sam?"

"Eventually, yes."

She shook her head at the incredulity of the story then moved her eyes back to his. They were as bright as Misha's and equally intense.

"Jensen. TMZ got a hold of tape of your accident and broadcast it, and then posted it. It's been pulled down from their site but it was on the internet for several days. The truth is that anyone who wants to, can still obtain it. How did you feel when you learned this?"

 _Shit_. He hadn't counted on that question. He and Ruth had discussed most possibilities. They'd overlooked this one. In retrospect that was naïve. Maybe Katie wasn't as sweetheart as all that. He knew his anger about this lay close to the surface. Fought it down. Aimed for neutral. "They shouldn't have posted it. I'd ask people to respect my privacy and not seek it out."

Katie nodded as if in agreement. But she didn't let it go. "Did you see the video?"

Sweat dotted his forehead. He wanted to swipe at it but knew better. He felt fucking naked. "Yes."

Katie waited, clearly expecting more of an answer. He met her stare with a Dean Winchester glare. "I don't have anything further to say about it."

They locked gazes but she blinked first. She asked him if he'd like another break. Without answering he stood and walked away to the sideboard with the bottled waters. He downed it quickly letting the coolness vent his inner heat. Nobody came near him.

When they resumed, she drifted into more detailed questions about his treatment. He took the time to speak openly about brain injuries such as his. The treatments, the ongoing frustrations, the post-its. The light at the end of the tunnel. He'd prepped with Rachel for this and spoke of the latest developments in cognitive training. How folks with injuries such as his and even those more severe had hope now and shouldn't give up.

Katie was sensitive and patient and let him serve the greater good. He felt stripped bare. But this was why he agreed to this public outing. He and Rachel had spoken about it and she'd been surprised he'd wanted to do this. She knew what a private person he was. Told him to do what felt best. That he needed to remain his own first priority.

But something like this happening to him had changed his priorities. He didn't feel lucky. Lucky would have been not having the accident at all. But he still felt a sense of debt that his privileges got him such fast, excellent care. That it gave him back his life. This interview. Opening people's eyes to brain injuries and treatments. It was going to be a part of his life now.

They took one more quick mini break and Katie concluded by asking some questions about the show and current filming.

"So you are back as Dean Winchester. Only imaginary this time."

He laughed. "Yeah. He's a character."

She laughed back. "I'll say. She waited for their shared funny moment to pass. "Your onscreen brother has started filming already, correct?"

"Yes. Jared resumed earlier this week. We're filming the season five premier."

"That episode was originally scheduled to be the season four finale, correct?"

"Yes. But after my injury it was pushed into this season."

"I know you can't spoil us, but there is buzz that there will be very interesting reveals."

Jensen gave a shy smile. "It will be a surprising episode but that's all I can say."

"Jared Padalecki has been spotted shooting in various locations in Vancouver with Genevieve Cortese, who was a regular last season playing the demon, Ruby. Fan support has been mixed for her character. Seems like your female fans don't want anyone messing with you boys." She chuckled.

He felt color blossom on his cheeks. "Yeah. Our fans are very loyal, very protective of our characters. I … they saved the show. We have the best fans in the world."

"You made quite a splash by showing up unannounced at a fan convention in England a few weeks ago. You caught up with your costars Jared and Genevieve, correct?"

"Yes. I announced my intentions to return to the show."

She smiled at him, clearly they were winding down. "Did you get to do some sightseeing in London with Jared and Genevieve? There were photos circulating recently. They make a nice couple. Do his girl fans have reason to worry?" Her voice lilted in an almost giggle and clearly she was joking and wasn't expecting an answer.

He gave her his most sincerely enigmatic interview smile.

Katie switched to professional and did the leaning in thing again. "Jensen. Thank you so much for taking the time during filming to speak with us. Your story is incredible and inspiring. I wish you all the best in _Supernatural_ and what follows. I'm sure we'll be seeing great things from you. We'll be putting up that Mild Traumatic Brain Injury resource information you gave us at the end of the show."

The producer stopped the taping and the blaring lights flickered off. Katie rose and squeezed his hand warmly in hers. "Thank you so much," she gushed.

Jensen blinked at the lack of lights. The coolness felt exceedingly good after sitting under what felt like a hot lamp for hours. "Thank _you_ ," he answered back.

"Your candor about your injury. Your therapies and ongoing struggles. I know it's not easy to share so much about something so deeply personal. You're a remarkable young man. Thanks again."

Her people were edging closer with each word and as soon as she was quiet they ushered her away. The producers came over and praised him as well and finally he stood in front of Ruth who just stared at him, eyes wide.

"I didn't know."

"Very few people did."

"That was very brave, Jensen." He stared at her. Her eyes were filling with tears. Suddenly awkward he put his hand on her upper arm and squeezed lightly.

"Hey, it's okay. Let's—let's get lunch, okay?"

She fought for a smile. "I'd like that very much."

In the car on the way to a restaurant he turned his cell phone back on. There was one text message waiting.

–––––––––––

To: JAckles

From: JPad

Im always here. <3

–––––––––––

Jensen glanced toward Ruth but she was occupied listening to voice mail messages. Thinking he wouldn't be rude he indulged himself a reply.

–––––––––––

To: JPad

From: JAckles

Whats <3 mean?

–––––––––––

He didn't expect an answer and so was surprised when his phone beeped a minute later.

–––––––––––

To: JAckles

From: JPad

Look sideways, dumbass.

Gotta return to set. Later ;*

–––––––––––

Jensen tilted his head until he made out the small heart. The image wiped out the lingering weirdness from last night. Jared really did make loving him exceptionally easy.

**Chapter 13**

Jared finally had an afternoon off. He wanted to sleep and not wake up until Clif arrived to shuttle him back to work the next day. Except he was scheduled to see Kate. After Jared's fuck up of a few night's ago, things were back to normal with Jensen. He'd returned to sleeping upstairs and they hadn't spoken about it again.

He'd told Kate what had happened with Jensen – letting himself admit how much it had hurt when Jensen slept downstairs. How guilty he felt at not realizing how nervous Jensen was about his impending national interview and how he'd blathered on about silly things.

Kate accepted what he said but gently guided him back toward acknowledging that Jensen's feelings were his own. That Jared was not responsible for Jensen's sudden mood swings. She reminded him that this was part of the injury and while they might lessen, they may never go away completely. Jared knew he had to just deal with it. Didn't mean it was easy.

Jensen was scheduled to return to set tomorrow. Not for filming as it was Sunday, but extensive rehearsals with Misha and Kurt and Jared. Jared didn't mind this at all. It was always a pleasure to work with Jensen. Jensen, however, was embarrassed by the extra considerations he was being given.

No matter how many times Jared tried to say that he needn't be, it made no difference. Kate advised he simply accept Jensen's self consciousness about this. Reminded him that all feelings should be validated. Sometimes he felt like he'd be coming out of all this with an honorary psych degree.

Jensen had had a session with Rachel that afternoon, too. Upon entering the house, Jared noted that Jensen had beaten him back.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"How's Kate?"

"Same. All feelings are good, blah blah blah."

Jensen laughed. "Rachel says the same thing. It's a chick thing. Maybe we should find ourselves some testosterone-filled counselors."

"And then we could sit around all session scratching our balls and belching obnoxiously."

"And this differs from your normal behavior, how?"

"Screw you, Ackles."

Jensen leered at him. "Later."

Ooh. A flirt. He leaned over Jensen who'd been laying on the couch reading and whispered into his mouth, "Didn't your momma teach you not to make promises you don't intend to keep?"

Jensen pulled the back of Jared's head lower while reaching up with his lips for a kiss. A few glorious sigh-inducing moments later Jensen breathed into his mouth, "My momma raised me right."

Jared loved how in certain moments Jensen's drawl was on full display. Those moments usually involved activities leading to states of undress.

He smiled and his eyes fell to the script Jensen had on his belly. _Lucifer_ _Rising_. Eric had retooled the script somewhat lessening some of Jensen's part. One thing that didn't change however were the number of scenes he and Jensen had together. The brothers were separated except for the last few moments. Jared really didn't like that. He didn't think it was just ego; Jensen remembered his lines better when working opposite Jared.

He lifted Jensen's legs up and took a seat on the opposite end of the sofa, bringing them back down on his lap.

"You have some great scenes with Kurt and Misha," he said, idly leafing through the script.

Jensen nodded, face turned inward. "Yeah. Nice and wordy."

"You'll be fine."

"Right. If you don't count the fact that I couldn't even tell you what we had for dinner yesterday."

"I'm pretty sure our meals aren't in the script."

Jensen gave him a look. Jared sat up and inched closer, folding one leg beneath himself. "You're worried about this, aren't you?"

Silence answered him and Jensen took back the script but didn't open it, just held it. "I really wanted this." Jensen tilted his head back on the sofa pillow and met Jared's eyes and suddenly Jared wasn't totally sure what they were talking about any longer.

"I wanted this, too," he answered softly. "C'mere."

He pulled Jensen back into a soft kiss. "Tomorrow's rehearsals will help."

"You've been putting in long days and nights all week. You shouldn't have to come in on your one day off—"

"Jen, I _want_ to do this. I love working with you. Misha, Kurt, they're your friends, they understand. It's not a big deal."

Jensen still looked doubtful. His eyes blazed with frustration and Jared hated seeing him this way.

"Mighta just been better if they replaced me. Maybe brought Jake back as Adam. Doesn't matter that he's dead, made no difference for Dean, right? Nobody has to stay dead. That way the fans would get an ending and Sam would still have a brother and—"

"Stop. I wouldn't—there is no show without you. Without Dean. You can do this. You'll have Jim and Misha and Kurt. And me. I won't disappoint you."

Jensen stared at him oddly. "Disappoint _me?_ I think you have this backward."

Jared took a deep breath, slowed his racing words down so Jensen would understand. "No. I don't. For the past four years you've been the best partner an actor could hope for. There were more times than you could imagine when I felt lost. Unprepared. When I thought I'd blow it, or was tired, or felt off. And every one of those times you were there for me, man. Giving that extra yard so together our performance could be stronger. Why do you think Sam 'n Dean is like a single word with the audience? You're not alone. And it's not just me. Jim, Misha, Katie, Gen, Kurt, they've all told me how much you give … how good it is to play off you. It's not just about saying lines. We'll figure out how to make you remember. But the rest? That's all _you_. There's only one Dean Winchester. And there is no _Supernatural_ without him."

Jensen never broke his gaze and Jared watched the emotion soften his friend's eyes like a watercolor left in the rain. He swallowed and said, "Thank you," in a smoky whisper.

Jared leaned in again until they were breath close. "Wanna make out?" He waggled his eyebrows exaggeratingly.

Jensen laughed and brushed Jared's lips. "Certifiable." But he parted his lips and let Jared sweep the world away.

Hours later, Jared woke up sated and achy and stupidly happy. Jensen breathed steadily near his ear. His arm was tossed across Jared's chest.

He shifted in bed slightly so he could look at Jensen. Watching Jensen sleep was one of his guilty pleasures. Unfortunately, it didn't happen nearly enough. Usually, Jared slept until the alarm went off. Or his stomach grumbled. Whichever came first. And Jensen would already be up , or at least awake before Jared. Not that Jen would ever be considered a morning person, but the early rising was new since the accident.

Jared let his eyes drift over Jensen's still face. He looked so young this way. Vulnerable and open and innocent.

Beautiful.

He smiled. Really was time to start thinking up new adjectives.

Turning again he smiled at the slight ache in his ass. Last night was the first time they'd fucked since the convention. This brought his grand total of gay sex, well, including penetration, to four times. And one of those times was six months ago. Jen wasn't hesitant last night but Jared couldn't help thinking there was something he wanted and wasn't saying.

Jensen's lashes fluttered and sleep-glazed eyes opened to meet Jared's. Jensen leaned forward and brushed their lips together. The sensation was so gentle, like a butterfly against Jared's mouth.

"Sorry I woke you," Jared whispered.

"You didn't. 'M still asleep."

Jared chuckled softly. "I see. Does that make me a dream?"

That earned him another kiss, slightly warmer but still light enough to feel ethereal. "Yeah baby, a really good dream."

His heart pulsed at the endearment. Jared knew he was guilty of using them at times, couldn't help himself. But it was one of those things Jensen didn't do, didn't like. Was on the list. Jared smiled.

Jensen's eyes were closed again and from the soft breathing he'd fallen back asleep. "I love you," Jared murmured before swinging his arm over Jensen's torso and pulling him closer. He assumed it was only the hug that made Jensen's body shudder slightly against his own.

– – –

Jensen had to admit that coming back for the first time in months on a Sunday definitely had its advantages. There were very few people about. He still remembered the stun of so many eyes gaping at him the last time. Now, he and Jared worked their way toward the sound stage surrounded by nothing but silence.

They'd noted Misha's and Kurt's cars in the lot. Jensen stopped Jared before heading inside, pulled him over against the wall.

"Wha—"

Jared's question was cut off by Jensen's lips. Misha knew about them but Kurt did not. He might suspect but Jensen had enough on his mind without having to worry about coming out in front of the other actor. So basically it was now or never. He pressed harder into Jared, emotions running over him. Words, images, frustration. Genevieve didn't need extra rehearsal time. She got it in two takes. He shook it away. Jay was with _him_. He kissed him again with intensity just this side of punishing. Jared gave back as good as he got.

Sometimes it felt like this – the combustion between them – was the only thing Jensen understood.

Jared held him tight, ran his hands over Jensen's back, instinctively giving as was his way.

"It's going to be fine. I promise."

Jensen looked down. "I … _fuck_ , I have to get myself together!"

"The rehearsal will help. Remind you how good you are. We _already_ know. Just need you to catch up."

Jared smiled at him. Warm words floated in Jensen's heart but he couldn't let them out. He swallowed and took a step back, keeping his hands on Jared's upper arms. "Inside, we can't …"

"It's okay. I know. Let's come up with a code."

"A code?"

"Yep. An I-need-some-lovin' code."

Jensen laughed.

Jared continued. "I'll text you."

"You'll be standing right next to me. Not too subtle."

Jared pondered this. "How about the nose swiping signal from _The_ _Sting_?"

"You want to pick your nose to indicate you want to kiss me? Smooth, Padalecki."

Jared's bark of a laugh echoed loud in the relative quiet.

The door opened and Misha eyed them curiously. "Yo, Winchesters. We got work to do."

– – –

They began with the first scene inside the angel Green Room. Art department wasn't done with it yet but Jared said he'd seen some sketches and it would be fantastic. They hadn't blocked out the scene yet but they improvised. Jensen'd been studying the script for days. He shut his eyes.

When they reopened he was Dean. He looked surprised at Zachariah and Castiel.

"How 'bout this? 'The suite life of Zach and Cas' " He let the sarcasm ooze. Kurt and Misha stared at him owlishly from across the room.

"It's a ... never mind. So, what is this? Where the hell am I?"

Kurt stepped closer. His voice took on his Zachariah smirk. "Call it a Green Room. We're closing in on the grand finale, here. We want to keep you safe before show time." He waved as if pointing to something. "Try a burger. They're your favorite. From that seaside shack in Delaware. You were eleven, I think."

Jensen stared at the spot Kurt had pointed. He paused a moment as if studying the food. "I'm not hungry."

"No? How about Ginger from season two of 'Gilligan's Island?' You do have a thing for her, don't you?"

Jensen met Kurt's stare. Let consideration fill his eyes. "Tempting. Weird."

"We'll throw in Mary Ann for free."

A quick lust-filled gaze and then reality returned. "No, no. Let's bail on the holodeck, okay? I wanna know what the game plan is."

Kurt raised his smarmy factor up. "Let us worry about that. We want you... focused, relaxed."

Jensen lost a little more of his temper, reined it in, kept it barely under the surface. "Well, I'm about to be pissed and leaving, so start talking, _Chuckles_."

Jared and Misha both burst into spontaneous applause. Kurt narrowed the distance between them and patted his back. "What were you worried about, son? You were fantastic. You do that next week and we'll get it in one take."

Jared dimpled.

Jensen blushed.

Maybe he could do this.

– – –

It was Jensen's first official day back on set. He was anxious but he'd done everything he could to prepare. Yesterday they'd rehearsed every one of Jensen's scenes. Jim couldn't make it on Sunday and Jared had stepped in. They'd even rehearsed Jensen's one solo scene, which was a voice mail to Sam. One look at Sam's eyes and the words stuck. Jared had promised to be there when they shot that.

Last night, Jensen stilled his nerves by slowly exploring every delicious inch of Jared's Greek statue-worthy body. They'd shared a bed every night since his wig-out a week before. Jensen had admitted that he had better dreams with Jared there. Jared understood about that. He told Jensen that he hadn't had his nightmare since that time he'd called him.

Jim approached and gave him a huge hug. "Sorry I couldn't meet up with you boys yesterday."

Jensen shook his head. "Don't mention it. Jared read your part. Got so into it he spent the rest of the day mumbling 'idjit' under his breath.

Jim laughed. "Wanna run the lines?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

Jensen was glad that scheduling ended up with this being one of the first things he shot. It was the one he was most worried about and getting it over with was a good thing. Going back into Dean's head felt like a mixed blessing. On the one hand, he was back in Dean's head. On the other hand, Dean's head wasn't always a pleasant place to be.

The rehearsal went well although there were a couple of lines he kept stumbling over. Seemed to always go that way. His brain just locked over some things. Finally, everybody was at their marks and they were rolling. Like all first days things went wrong but Jensen wasn't solely to blame.

Eric called action on their fourth take.

Jensen faced the dirty interior window of Bobby's living room set.

Bobby bellowed, "Dean? Dean! You listen to a word I said?"

Dean turned around slowly. "Yeah, I heard you. I'm not calling him." Jensen allowed the weight of a bone-crushing tiredness smother the words as they came out.

Jim built Bobby's frustration slowly, from humorous threats to stale appeals.

"Don't make me get my gun, boy."

"We are damn near kickoff for Armageddon, don't you think we got bigger fish at the moment?"

"I know you're pissed. And I'm not making apologies for what he's done, but he's your—"

Dean exploded. "Blood? He's my blood, is _that_ what you were gonna say?"

Bobby softened his voice. "He's your brother. An' he's _drowning_."

Dean's patience was gone. "Bobby, I tried to help him, but ... but— _fuck!_ " Jensen had no idea what he was supposed to say next.

"Cut."

Renee, the script supervisor, read out the rest of Dean's line. "Bobby, I tried to help him, but look what happened."

Eric looked at Jensen who silently indicated he was ready.

It started fine. Perfect. Then he stopped again. Same spot.

Eric came over and asked if Jensen needed a break. His voice was calm but his eyes betrayed his anxiousness.

Jensen nodded no. He took a sip of water and read the words over slowly one last time.

They went again and he kept his eyes on Bobby, willing him to understand.

This time he got it right.

Bobby pushed more. Said it's never too late. But Dean was tired, exhausted. Had no more to give.

"No, dammit! No. I gotta face the facts. Sam never wanted part of this family. He hated this life. Ran away to Stanford the first chance he got. Now it's like déjà vu all over again." Losing steam he sank into a chair. "Well, I am sick and tired of chasing him. Screw him, he can do what he wants."

Bobby looked at him disbelieving. "You don't mean that."

And the sadness sunk Dean's shoulders down. "Yes I do, Bobby. Sam's gone. He's gone. I'm not even sure if he's still my brother anymore." He dropped his voice. "If he ever was."

"Cut. Jensen, perfect," Eric's grin filled his face.

Jim flashed a toothy smile and slapped him on the back. They needed to move the cameras for the next shot and Jensen exhaled at finally not screwing up his lines. It was easier, he realized, working with someone he trusted, like Jim. Having Jim to react to triggered the words. Rachel could undoubtedly explain this to him with multi-syllables and brightly colored brain scans.

Mostly, Jensen was just glad they'd gotten through this in seven takes and not thirty.

– – –

By their afternoon meal break, Jensen was spent. The scene with Jim was intense and freaking wordy. Damn Kripke. Did he have to give Dean that much to say? The acting was fine. Saying the lines as written? Not so much. Still, all in all, it had gone better than he'd expected.

Jared was still out on location so they couldn't have lunch together. He received a text message with one of those cryptic symbol thingies. But this time he understood it.

–––––––––––

To: JAckles

From: JPad

((Jen))

–––––––––––

To: JPad

From: JAckles

Hug back. Where u at?

–––––––––––

To: JAckles

From: JPad

Lunch with Gen

–––––––––––

To: JPad

From: JAckles

Poor girl. Got her gas mask?

–––––––––––

To: JAckles

From: JPad

:D :D :D

Hows it going?

–––––––––––

To: JPad

From: JAckles

Still employed

–––––––––––

To: JAckles

From: JPad

Jim said u rocked!

:D :D :D

–––––––––––

To: JPad

From: JAckles

Spying on me?

To: JAckles

–––––––––––

From: JPad

o.O?

To: JAckles

From: JPad

Know whats scary? I got that :)

–––––––––––

To: JAckles

From: JPad

:D

We have to head back

C u later

;* <3

–––––––––––

To: JPad

From: JAckles

Not if I c u 1st.

–––––––––––

Jensen stared at his phone a long moment. _Lunch_ _with_ _Gen_. He shook his head and pecked out a last message.

To: JPad

From: JAckles

<3

– – –

The angel Green Room was a stunning set. Jensen walked around feeling Dean's bemused wonder as he took in the wall moldings and paintings and brick-a-brac. He smiled. Very different from the over-the-top kitsch of their motel room sets. The art department had done an extraordinary job. Very surreal and _angelic_. He'd be shooting several scenes here the next few days, some with Misha and Kurt or just with Misha.

But for now, he was alone. Well, not counting the crew of course.

Eric was harried. He needed this to go quick because they needed him in the writer's room. As always he was pulled too thin. They were filming Dean leaving a message on Sam's voicemail, apologizing for what he'd said and telling Sam that they were still brothers. Unfortunately the message was going to be changed – Eric never said whether it was changed by the angels or the demons – and Sam would hear Dean call him a monster one final time, which would be the push that sets the end in motion. Jensen had read his lines with Jared a few times the day before, and the plan was for Jared to be present, off-camera, so Jensen could say the lines to him. Even though they wouldn't make eye contact, Jensen knew having Sam there would focus him.

But a last-minute schedule change had Jared and Genevieve on location filming their roadside chat where, ironically enough, Jared would be listening to what he thought was Dean's message. Jensen's gut twisted. Nothing he could do about it. Last minute changes were par for the course in this business. That much he did remember.

Admiring the neat stack of burgers, Jensen quickly got out of the way of the electric and sound crews making their final checks and sat down to reread his dialogue.

A new, young PA came over cautiously. Jensen didn't remember him. But of course that didn't mean they hadn't met. He pulled out his notebook from his back pocket but there were no notes about a new PA. Damn.

He forced a smile.

The boy stuttered. "Mr. Kripke's not here yet. He's running a little late. And … you're … early. I mean. On time. Yes. I … can I get you anything?"

Jensen's smile reached his eyes and he touched the boy's arm. "I am early. Just wanted to get a feel for the set. 'S something." He paused, put out his hand. "I'm Jensen."

The PA stared at him mutely. After a second he took Jensen's hand in the world's quickest shake. "Paul. I just … started."

Yeah. Jensen figured that. He quickly jotted Paul's name down in his notebook. He looked up to see Paul's eyes staring down at the notebook. Jensen flushed slightly.

"Couldn't believe what happened. Must have been so hard. I saw you on Katie Couric. What you went through. Wow. That was … I admire your work so much, Mr. Ackles."

"Call me Jensen. And, thanks."

Paul started to loosen up. His enthusiasm was contagious and Jensen started to relax and look forward to this quick shoot. In a distance he saw Eric approaching. Serge was adjusting the cameras. Yeah. Felt good.

"Have you been working since we resumed?" he asked Paul.

Paul nodded vigorously. "Yes. It's been so cool. I met Mr. Padalecki, um, Jared, last week. And Ms. Cortese. He's … so good. They both are. And fun, you know. I mean … he was so busy it's not like I got to talk to him or anything. Not like … it's really nice of you to …"

Jensen interrupted. "I'm sure Jared would enjoy getting to know you. Gen, too."

Paul beamed and leaned toward him just a little, eyes bright and friendly as he spoke. "I know. They're both great. Remember in the interview when Katie asked you about Jared and Genevieve? I think … well, you probably already know being best friends and all. But when I saw them … I thought so, too, you know? It looked like the real thing. Was really sweet."

Paul's smile was sunshine bright.

And Jensen felt his words like a squeeze to his entrails.

The kid had to be wrong. Jared had said the thing between him and Genevieve was over. But he was so excited about working closely with her once more. He'd said more than once he'd wished she could have been signed on for this season. Said he'd miss her. _Fuck_. It was getting all mixed up again and his head felt like someone stuffed it with cotton and he wasn't sure what was the truth.

Paul's innocent face filled his vision. Kid was speaking the truth. There was no guile in him whatsoever. But … would Jared lie about this? Why? To let him down easy? It just … didn't seem like Jared to lie.

 _Shit_. He really needed to clear his head. Review the lines. Paul had to go.

"Look. I need a few to go over this." When he didn't keep himself in check, Jensen's voice could be as coldly dismissive as a slammed door.

Paul blinked and jerked back. Jensen was immediately sorry, he hadn't intended to be that abrupt. But Paul was scurrying back. "Yes. Of course. I'll … " And he ran away.

Shit. Now he'd gone and been rude to the new PA and that wasn't …

Eric walked over and put his hand on Jensen's arm, face tired but grin plastered on his lips. "When you're ready. Can't imagine this will take long."

He barely heard Eric's voice, didn't notice him walk away as Jensen's eyes skimmed the brief lines on the page. He was used to saying them to Jared. Jared, who was on location with Genevieve.

– – –

They were on the ninth take. Still working on the wide shot and Jensen hadn't hit the lines right once. Or even equally wrong twice in a row. He just couldn't fucking remember them. He looked around and wondered why it seemed everyone looked new to him. He didn't think his amnesia had gotten that worse, that fast, they musta paired him with mostly second unit folks he never normally saw. Great.

Eric walked over, chin a little higher this time, smile still tight. "Wanna take a few minutes and then shoot it again. It's not very long. I'm not trying to rush you but I've got a conference call with Ben and Sera and, well, we should wrap this up."

That wasn't the first time Eric had insinuated how simple this scene was. How it really shouldn't be taking this long. He knew Eric was stressed. That everyone needed him and in any other circumstances this nothing scene would have been relegated to an AD in the first place. The only reason Eric was here was Jensen.

And all Jensen was doing was screwing up. He wanted to punch a wall. Instead, he forced a smile and uttered thanks, returning to his chair to read his dialogue again. Was just a few lines. This was ridiculous. Yesterday with Jared he'd gone through it fine. It's not like Jared had said anything. He'd just stood there.

They tried again. And again. And again.

They were on their third hour and eighteenth take.

He missed it again and stopped when he noticed his own error. Eric called 'cut.'

The sky darkened.

Eric said it was enough. _Good_ _enough_. Jensen couldn't hear that. It wasn't right. He'd never gotten it _right_.

"Jensen. We have what we need. Had it some time back. You're making yourself nuts over nothing. This scene isn't that important. I'm calling it a print and we're moving into your close up."

Jensen wanted to argue more. Didn't like the thought of how much compromising was happening already on his behalf. He wasn't hacking it. Wasn't good enough. Not like everyone else. Jared. And Genevieve. Got it in two takes. He saw them together laughing. Shook it away. Not here. He was working. Had to get it _right_.

They reapplied his makeup because he was sweating so much. Dean paced the angel Green Room, looked frustrated – no acting required – and muttered, "Ah, screw it," pulling out his cell phone.

"Look, I'll get right into it. I'm still pissed and … and I … _fuck_."

"Cut!" Eric's long suffering sigh was clearly heard and Jensen simultaneously wanted to disappear and go postal. Eric stood up but didn't come closer. "Jen? Please. Let's call it a night. It's fine. The other takes are fine. I can work with it. Go home and rest. You did great today."

Jensen erupted. "Don't you patronize me! I haven't hit the fucking words right yet and you know it! Fuck, everyone knows it. This is … "

Eric was staring at him, clearly restraining his own temper. Jensen turned around, put his back to Eric and made the mistake of looking in the pitying eyes of a tired grip.

Jensen turned back slowly and aimed Dean's eyes at Eric. "Let's go again."

Eric looked pained, but relented."Pick it up from the phone at your ear. Action."

"Look. I'll just get right to it. I'm still pissed … and I owe you a serious beat down. But … I shouldn't have said what I said. You know, I'm not Dad. We're brothers. You know, we're family. And … no matter how bad it gets, that stays the same—" Jensen stopped.

"Cut. Jensen, it was fine. Why did you stop?"

"No. It goes 'that doesn't change' not 'stays the same,' " Jensen corrected. "I fucked it up."

"Didn't you say 'that doesn't change'?" Eric's voice had risen to shrill squeak.

He glanced over and the script supervisor nodded no. Jensen knew this. He knew he'd gotten it wrong. Knew he hadn't gotten it right yet. Because he _couldn_ _'_ _t_ do this.

Eric looked down at his watch growing both more anxious and frustrated by the minute. "Shit, I gotta be … this is ridiculous-it's fifty fucking words!"

The sudden hush alerted Eric he'd gone a step too far.

But it was too late.

Jensen walked over and loomed over the shorter man. "You wanna say something to my face?"

There were moments when Jensen and Dean were one. Some in the past and some very recent. Like now.

Eric was breathing hard. "Hey. I didn't mean … We coulda wrapped this ages ago. You're the one … " Eric swiped at his shaven head. " _Fuck._ "

Jensen glared. "Say it," he dared.

Eric met his eyes. "Fuck it. We've been at this for _hours_. Anyone else and this woulda been over. I'm trying, Jensen, to give you what you need … but we were done here hours ago."

"No. We're done when I fucking say we're done!"

"I don't have to put up with this! Nobody. Nobody is fucking irreplaceable, Ackles." Eric ran his hand over his head again. "Dammit." He took a deep breath. "I didn't … Jensen, please, we'll talk later. I have to go. Can you finish with … "

Rage flooded Jensen in spurting lava bursts. "You got somewhere more important to be? Good. Go. Because I am _so_ out of here."

He shoved his hands in his pockets to keep from hitting something and walked away. He'd never walked off a set in his career. For a moment he stopped. But then, behind him, he heard Eric ranting into a cell phone.

 _His_ _fucking_ _head_ _is_ _all_ _screwed_ _up._ _Three_ _fucking_ _lines_ _and_ _we_ _'_ _ve_ _been_ _here_ _all_ _day._ _Yeah._ _Yeah,_ _I_ _know._ _I_ _'_ _ll_ _talk_ _…_ _I_ _will._ _Just_ _let_ _him_ _cool_ _off._ _We_ _don_ _'_ _t_ _have_ _time_ _for_ _this._ _Never_ _had_ _to_ _deal_ _with_ _this_ _shit_ _before_ _…_ _Yeah,_ _I_ _just_ _don_ _'_ _t_ _know_ _…_ _I_ _'_ _ll_ _be_ _there_ _soon_ _…_

The echoes of Eric's words smashed into Jensen's back as he lowered his head and walked faster.

Stomping across the lot, eyes seemed to track him, mock his movement, stare too closely. _Fuck_ _up_ , they shouted in his head. _Loser_. Brain damaged worthless has been who can't do this anymore can't keep his man can't remember _isn_ _'_ _t_ _good_ _enough_ … He slammed the door to his trailer and turned the lock.

This was such a fucking mistake.

He looked up at the walls and stared at photos of himself. Publicity shots and personal photos. Confident and poised. Him and Jared. Except the picture blurred and he saw another image, Jared leaning into Genevieve, whispering something in her ear _._ _It_ _looked_ _like_ _the_ _real_ _thing._ _Was_ _really_ _sweet._

He remembered telling Jared to move on. Not to wait for him. Nobody could wait that long. Wait forever.

The photos started laughing at him. Ringing in his ears. He pulled first one, then another off the wall and smashed them down. Glass splintered around his feet. He stood in front of a _Supernatural_ poster. Early promotional one from the start of their second season. Those memories he had. Watching their father's corpse burn. Working with Jared and Kim. Fuck, he missed Kim. They'd done some good work that season.

Killer clowns.

It had been a ridiculous and classic _Supernatural_ episode. Sam confronted Dean about their father's death. Because Dean was most definitely not dealing. Not feeling. And when his brother had walked away something exploded. And Dean had smashed the Impala so hard Jensen remembered the ache in his arms still, could feel the tremor of each blow. He'd filled Dean's skin completely in that moment. Because sometimes only pain is real.

The dark background of the poster reflected his face superimposed over Dean's.

Dean stared at him, all cocky and sure. Jensen wasn't the only one who'd died in the set accident. Dean died, too.

Fucking has been. Worthless. _Fifty_ _fucking_ _words_ _and_ _we_ _'_ _ve_ _been_ _here_ _all_ _day._

He didn't feel himself make a fist. Didn't consciously raise his arm.

He pounded into the poster hard, not noticing the blood, not hearing the noise. The grunts were deep and hoarse and guttural - somewhere between human and primitive. Harsh, punishing hits into his face, into Dean. Into Sam, who didn't keep him out of hell. Jared. Who didn't want him. Who was fucking someone else. Because who could want who could want …

The Plexiglas didn't shatter, wouldn't break. He hit it harder, threw his entire body to fucking destroy it, finish the job, make that smug, sure look disappear and leave a torn, empty hole behind. A cry tore from his gut, up his throat, to spew like snake venom off his tongue. Using both hands he yanked the poster off the wall. Spun around to the table on the other wall and smashed the mockery down.

Again. Until the plastic chunked off in large dull pieces and he pulled at the paper, hands slippery from blood, sliding against the edges of the frame slicing into his skin.

There was a knocking noise. Like an echo of the pounding he'd done before. Then in sudden quiet his cell phone rang but he could tune it out.

The hanger on the back of the poster was undone and the wire end spiked sharp and wild. It painted a brilliant red stripe on his arm. His eyes fixed on the bubbles of blood forming on his forearm. He _felt_ that. It broke through the numbness, the empty. So he did it again.

And again. And again.

Because pain was real. Dean knew this. Dean's always known this. If Jensen felt this, at least he was real.

**Chapter 14**

The location shoot had gone smoothly. They got through their takes quickly and Jared fell into the easy camaraderie of working with Genevieve. She was fun. Quick to laugh but professional when the cameras were rolling. He thought he worked better with her than most other guest stars. And as much as he'd liked Katie last year, Jared thought his chemistry with this Ruby was better. He felt bad the fans hadn't taken to her that well. But then again, the fans didn't want a regular female character. They wanted the boys. He smiled inwardly. Can't really resent the hand that feeds you.

They were finally back on the lot. He needed to head to wardrobe. As much as it had been fun, the day felt long.

"Whatcha thinking about?" Genevieve asked catching his eye.

He smiled at her. "Thinkin' I'm gonna miss you. Wish you coulda been a regular this season, too."

She smiled brightly back up at him and he reached down to drag her into a hug as she whispered that she'd miss him, too.

A PA suddenly grabbed Jared's jacket sleeve. Jared moved away from Genevieve, adrenaline immediately coursing through his body at the young man's harried appearance. That panicked look - same as the day of Jensen's accident.

"Wh-at's wrong?" he managed to force through his closed throat.

The boy, Jared fought to recall his name, stared open-eyed at him. Genevieve squeezed Jared's arm but it barely registered. "P-Paul, right? Where's Jensen?" he uttered, voice an octave deeper.

"I was asked to come get you."

"Is he okay? Did something happen? Another accident?"

"No. I … don't think-I mean, I was told to tell you he isn't hurt. He's in his trailer. Please, Mr. Padalecki, Jared, I was just told to fetch you. They didn't tell me anything m-"

Jared didn't stay to hear whatever else the boy was mumbling, he ran toward the trailers, pulling out his cell phone to call Jensen along the way.

– – –

A crowd stood around Jensen's trailer murmuring. No sound came from inside. Jensen hadn't answered his phone.

Phil was there. Someone said Eric was in a conference. Phil said Jensen was locked in his trailer and wouldn't open the door. He'd stormed off set, which was very not Jensen, but since the accident, who knew … Jared had stopped him at this. Wouldn't hear another word.

"Jensen is as professional as ever."

Phil took a step back at the deadly serious tone. But there was no way whatever the fuck had happened, that this was going down as some sort of actor temper tantrum.

He spotted Clif. "What happened? Is he okay? Why won't he open the door?"

Clif's normally cheerful face was strangely perturbed. "Jensen couldn't remember his lines."

Jared waited for more.

Clif continued. "I asked around before you got here. He and Eric … it got kinda nasty. I heard they shot more than enough coverage. Eric said they coulda taken care of some flubs in post. But Jensen wasn't letting it go. Wouldn't quit. Don't know why. And Eric hadda go. Some writer's meeting. And he lost his patience … Guess they both did."

"Then what?"

"Jensen walked. Stormed off is how they described it. When I got here it sounded like he was smashing the hell out of the trailer. Things were crashing. I was about to break the damn door in but then it got quiet. Been that way for the past five minutes. He answered once that he's fine. To please go away. I knew you were coming so I let it be."

Jared nodded. The almost violent mood swings he was used to. Been some things tossed and broken at home. But he'd never imagined it would happen here. Clif looked like he wanted to say more. "What is it Clif?"

Clif looked at him hesitantly. "You two … you okay? I mean, I've been hearing … but I know better. Just wanted to hear from you that you two were okay."

Jared studied his friend's concerned face. "We're fine. I don't—we're fine. I have to go in."

Jared's hand vibrated as he turned the trailer door's key. He forced his voice calm. "Jen. It's me. I'm coming in. Just me, okay?"

Jared entered slowly. The room looked like it had been hit by a cyclone. Glass littered the floor, a poster was demolished on the table, which also had chunks missing. Drops of red colored everything. His heart leapt into his throat. "Jen, god …"

Jensen stood toward the far end of the trailer, his back to Jared. He didn't move as Jared approached. Didn't say anything as Jared gently touched his shoulder and turned him around.

Jared stared blankly at Jensen's bruised, bleeding knuckles. Immediately, Jared was reminded of watching the dailies from last season's opener. Jared hadn't been there when Dean rose from the grave. Jensen had this huge opening sequence in which he barely had two lines of dialogue and as usual gave a performance of such heart wrenching depth Jared had watched the small monitor with a sense of awe.

His eyes skimmed up to the cuts on Jensen's arms. The blood was starting to dry. It looked like the fake stuff as it darkened but there was enough bright red that Jared knew how very real this was. He couldn't swallow past the pain in his throat. He tried to catch Jensen's eyes. Dry and blank.

Empty.

"Jensen," Jared managed to squeak out. "Why? … Never mind … c'mon, let's wash these cuts."

He led Jensen to the small wet bar sink and ran the water warm. Jensen automatically put his arms under the running water, still not saying a thing. Jared had the scary thought that Jensen didn't even realize Jared was there. He left him at the sink and ran into the small bathroom to retrieve a clean washcloth and the first aid kit.

Gently, he blotted at Jensen's arms. He wasn't actively bleeding any longer and every cut was shallow. Some were just scrapes. Relief flooded through Jared when he realized it looked worse than it was. He pulled out some antiseptic and apologized in advance that it might sting. Jensen's arm twitched but other than this there was no visible reaction. Jared pulled out some gauze and wrapped Jen's arms carefully. He left his hands alone because they were mostly scratched and bruised. Cleaning them should be enough.

First aid done, he walked Jensen to the bed and sat him down. The silence was causing Jared's heart to thunder in his chest. Physically Jensen was all right.

But Jensen was far from fine.

He tilted Jensen toward him, one finger barely touching his chin. God, it hurt to see him this way. "Talk to me, please."

Jensen blinked as if suddenly aware of a body in his personal space. He looked down at his bandaged arms, flexing them in front of him. He met Jared's eyes and they went from blank to wild in a millisecond.

Jensen jumped up. "No! Take these off-want to feel it. Want to feel …" He started pulling at the bandage.

Jared froze a moment, not having expected to hear Jensen speaking but then he realized what was happening and grabbed Jensen's hands, stilling him. "Stop. Don't. You'll hurt yourself."

Jensen fought back, trying to disengage from Jared's grip. "Let me go. I _want_ it to hurt."

"What are you talking about? Why would you want to hurt yourself? Jensen, stop, please."

Jared took Jensen in his arms. He held on through the initial stiffness and waited patiently as Jensen's muscles slowly relaxed against him. But his heart didn't resume its normal beat until Jensen's arms pulled up and squeezed back.

Tight against his ear Jared heard a soft, "Jay?"

"Right here. I got you. Always."

"Couldn't do it. Screwed up the scene. Can't do it."

Jared caressed the back of Jensen's head, running his fingers through the soft hairs. "Yes you could. You did. Earlier today, Jim said you were fantastic. Eric said so, too." He pulled back slightly, led Jensen back to the bed. They sat facing each other, Jared holding the top of Jensen's arms, unwilling to break physical contact. "Talk to me. What happened here? Why did you want to hurt yourself?"

"Pain is real."

It was spoken so low Jared wasn't sure what he heard. And then it clicked and he felt his eyes well because if Jensen wasn't feeling real then some of that was Jared's fault because of the way he'd fucked things up after the accident. Not accepting. Wanting someone else.

He started babbling. "God Jen, I'd give anything to have been smarter after the accident. I just didn't … didn't understand. You _are_ real. If we met yesterday I'd fall for you all over again. You don't have to hurt to be real."

Jensen stood up suddenly. Looked around at the mess as if he hadn't seen it before. His eyes lingered on two remaining posters still hanging. He stared at Dean and Sam.

"This was a fucking mistake." He turned to Jared and pointed up at the poster. "Dean doesn't exist. He died with me."

"You didn't die, Jen." Jared couldn't stand that Jensen was saying this again.

Jensen's face twisted with anger. "Twenty-six takes! For fifty fucking words. And I still couldn't get it _right_. You want to work with _that_? Really? Cause it'll take a month to film one episode and no matter how much salt we throw at them I don't think they're going to agree to that kind of budget." Jensen inhaled. In a swift motion the second poster was pulled from the wall and thrown across the room. Jared cringed from the bang. His cell rang immediately. He answered quickly and told Clif they were fine. To clear the area and wait for him to call.

"Jared just go! Go back to Genevieve and have a nice life. You're right. I'm not dead." He snorted. "So just leave me alone to lead whatever the hell of my life is left."

It didn't take much to see that Jensen's anger was now redirected to Jared. He channeled his inner Kate - was this some sort of projection? And what the hell did Genevieve have to do with this?

"I'm not going anywhere. Not without you. Jensen, I know you're frustrated. But Eric … he can be an ass sometimes. And you … you need to know when to let go, too. It didn't have to take anywhere near as many takes. You both lost your tempers. It happens. Hell, we all get into pissing matches. Calm down and see this for what it is."

"Are you fucking Genevieve?"

 _What?_ "What? No! Why would you-?"

"Look, it's okay. I told you before to find someone else. Someone not … Gen's a great girl, you said so yourself. Whatever happened with us before, it shouldn't rule your life anymore." He looked down, then around at the debris. "You don't want this … _shouldn_ _'_ _t_ want this. Want me. I—I understand why you wanted to move on. It's best Jared. You should leave."

Jared had fought for control since the PA came running. But this had gone too far. He didn't intend to get as loud as he did. "You do _not_ get to do this! Not again. Not fucking ever. I'm not some toy you can take down and play with and then throw back on a shelf. Stop setting me up with Genevieve. Stop telling me what I should or shouldn't want. Stop treating my feelings for you as some sort of leftover relic from before the accident.

"I fucking love you! Did then. Do _now_. Why is that so hard to understand?"

As quick as it flared Jared's anger cooled. Thoughts swirled back upon themselves. "Why did you think I was seeing Genevieve? I told you in England that nothing happened with her. That we are just friends. Did you forget that, Jen?"

Jensen looked away, face red. "You were so excited, so happy to be working with her again. And then earlier—on set. The new PA, the kid, said he saw you together. Said you were a sweet couple. Fuck … _everyone_ _'_ _s_ been saying it. Even Katie Couric asked me about you two. And, like I said, it's okay. Why shouldn't you … Jay, I'm not—I'm not worth it."

 _Fuck_. Had he been too handsy with Genevieve? People were gossiping. There were those damn photos in the magazine. Even Couric asked about this? Jared didn't know this, hadn't seen the interview yet. He should have. He wished Jensen had said something.

Jared slowed his breathing. They both needed to cool down. Get out of this trailer. "Jensen. I'm sorry I yelled. Genevieve is a friend. She's fun to work with. But … she's not the one I want to share my life with ... You and me? I'm yours. _Nothing_ is changing that."

Jensen sucked in air, seemed to pull himself tighter. "God, Jay, why? Why do you put up with me? I'm such a fucking mess."

It stung that Jensen still had to ask this. Almost made Jared angry all over again. Until he looked into Jensen's lost, sheen-filled eyes. How do you explain how much you love someone? If this blasted accident had taught him anything, it was that his capacity to love was greater than he'd ever imagined.

And that was a gift.

He held Jensen's gaze until it hurt. Tried to find words that made sense of his feelings. Instead, a question burst out in a voice so weak he could hardly recognize it as his own. "Would you leave me?"

"What?"

Jared's pitch gradually strengthened. "If it had happened to me. An accident. If it damaged my brain. Left me confused. If my emotions were all over the place and I couldn't remember things the way I used to. And people who know nothing were gossiping and got it all so wrong. If I trashed my trailer and fought with Eric and tried everyone's patience trying to be fucking perfect. If I asked you why you were still here. Would you be? Would _I_ be worth it? Would you leave me?"

It was suddenly very silent in the trailer. Jared heard his own harsh breathing and Jensen's seemingly lack of breath. He didn't totally understand why he'd asked this. Why it suddenly was all about him, when Jensen was the one who …

"No."

Jared was pulled into Jensen's arms in a rush. He felt moisture against his neck and wasn't sure for a second who was crying. But then a soft shudder rattled against his chest and he held on tighter and rubbed his hands against Jensen's back and wished with all he had he could absorb his lover's pain into himself.

They stayed like that a while.

Eventually, Jensen pulled away. Red eyes stared into Jared. "I'm a mess," he said swiping at his nose with his sleeve.

The child-like act put a small smile on Jared's face.

He palmed Jensen's cheek. Jensen leaned into it slightly. "I wouldn't, you know, leave you."

"I know."

Jensen took a deep breath. Jared could tell the worst was over, could sense the calm returning, the emotions slowly receding to normal levels. "Kripke gonna rethink this whole thing?"

"He'd better not. You both lost your tempers. I'm just so sorry I wasn't there."

"Not your fault. If … I hadn't had all this other stuff floating in my head I coulda handled it better. Stormed off set. Never did that before."

"Not even in the middle of the Alba-Weatherly show?"

This drew a smile from Jensen. "They had some doozy fits. But no. Not even then."

"Hey, after nearly twenty years in the business you were due one fit. I stalked off once during _Gilmore_ _Girls_."

Jensen stared at him surprised. "You?"

Jared looked sheepish. "Yeah. Similar situation. Too many takes and some jerk said the wrong thing and I just knew I was going to blow and in the end thought it better to just walk away."

Jensen smiled at this, but then his face turned serious. "What do I do now? I'll tell Eric I'm sorry."

Jared turned to Jensen. "You'll go see Rachel, talk through what happened and put it behind you." Jared tried to smile. "But first I guess we'll have to clean …"

Jared stopped. The emotional roller coaster caught up to him.

His eyes roamed the ravaged trailer. Imagined the inner pain to cause such damage. The spots of blood floated before his eyes … Jen's blood. On his hands, arms, jagged stripes ripping through the soft blonde hairs.

He'd thought it was over. That he was past crying, but … _dammit_.

"Jay?" Jensen asked softly.

Jared swiped at his eyes and waved him off. "Just don't ask me to leave you again. I couldn't—"

Jensen pressed him close and leaned his forehead against Jared's. "Never," he breathed into Jared's mouth. "Never leave me." He pressed his lips in for a feather soft kiss. "Love you."

Jared's heart pounded like a drum. He pulled back to meet Jensen's eyes. "I love you," Jensen repeated.

Jared knew he was tearing up like a fucking girl and grinning like a stupid idiot but it wasn't every day the love of your life tells you this for the first time. "I love you, too."

"Shoulda said it sooner."

"No. You should only say it when you feel it."

"Felt it for a long time, Jay."

Jared grinned wider. "Then you're right, you shoulda said it sooner."

They both laughed. Jensen looked down at his bandaged arms, took in the violence around him. "I'm still a fucking mess."

"Yeah. But you're _my_ fucking mess."

Jared pulled Jen in for a kiss. A tiny part of him thought maybe it was too soon for kissing but Jensen's hands were threading his hair near his neck and the gentle swirling of tongues was more soothing than anything else.

Jensen eased back and locked eyes with Jared's. They got darker the longer they stared.

Jared smiled. He loved the promise in Jensen's eyes. "Later. We've got time. Already established neither one of us is going anywhere." He stood up after planting a dry, brisk kiss across Jensen's lips. "Let's clean this up and go find Clif. I am so ready to go home."

He held out his hand just to symbolically pull Jensen with him. But then, fingers entwined, he shut his eyes, brushed Jensen's hurt knuckles gently with his lips and whispered a silent thanks.

– – –

The crowd had dissipated by the time they went back outside. Only Clif and Phil were left. Jared walked toward Clif allowing Jensen a moment of privacy with Phil.

Clif pulled him closer. "He okay?"

Jared met the other man's concerned gaze. "Yeah. He'll be fine. He's gonna talk to Eric and apologize. Then I just have to talk to Misha and Jim and Kurt, see if I can get them to cover for me when I can't be on set. Jensen works better when there are people he trusts around him."

Clif wrinkled his nose at this. "He's going to hate it if he thinks you are babysitting him."

Jared chuckled. "You so don't have to tell me that. But I think it'll be okay. That was his only solo scene anyway. All I'll have to do is make them stick around for close shots. They're good enough actors to pull it off without it being obvious. Kurt doesn't know us as well. But there's nothing Misha or Jim wouldn't do for Jensen."

"Me, too. You need me for anything … just say the word."

Jared squeezed the big man's arm. "Thanks." He looked back at Jensen for a moment. He was still huddled with Phil but must have sensed Jared's stare because suddenly those eyes were on him. It took a moment to break away. "Oh and Clif." The big man looked up. "What you heard. Not true. Jen and I …" he stopped. Didn't know what to say.

But Clif understood. "I know, Jay. I know."

– – –

Back home, Jensen sank into their sofa with a tired huff. Days just didn't get longer than this.

Sadie jumped up to put her head in his lap. Automatically, he sank his hand in her soft fur. He glanced across the room to see Jared kneeling in front of Harley on the floor, accepting a face full of doggie love. A grin crossed his face. Watching Jared with his dogs never failed to move him.

He remembered the first time he'd met Jay's 'kids.' The way Jared's eyes danced as he introduced them proudly. His full, seal-like laugh when the dogs checked Jensen out and after a few tentative sniffs declared him acceptable with their wagging tails.

Sadie wriggled her head to get Jensen to rub near her ears. He did so and was rewarded by her suddenly bounding up and giving him a doggie kiss as well. Jared laughed from where he was now on the ground, wrestling with Harley. Sadie turned her head then, eyeing the roughhousing going on. She turned back to Jensen as if asking permission to go join them. "Go on girl, go join the fun."

Sadie bounded over and soon Jared was buried in fur. Jensen's smile widened as he watched. Playing with his pets Jared looked all of thirteen. Well, a rather huge thirteen. His ribs felt tight in his chest. God, he loved him.

The weight of the day crashed back and Jensen fisted away the moisture tracking down his cheek. Sadie whimpered and suddenly Jared was there, strong arms taking him in, grounding him.

A soft voice whispered in Jensen's ear, "Been a long day. We should go to bed."

Jensen was already in bed when Jared came out of the bathroom. He lay back on Jared's seemingly endless amount of pillows and clutched the shooting script tight in his hand. Outside the trailer, Phil had called Eric and they discussed what happened openly and honestly. Jensen admitted he was putting expectations on himself that weren't necessary. He apologized for his behavior and assured the producers he was fine and ready to go. That he'd have it together by the next day.

Production was going to resume.

He felt the weight of the scripted words in his hands.

_Last chance, Ackles._

The bed shifted as Jared crawled in. Jensen looked over to see Jared eyeing the script distastefully. "Thought we agreed to keep Sam and Dean out of our bed."

Jensen shook his head, "I don't remember that." But he placed the script back on the bedside table.

Jared looked sheepish. "Okay. We didn't actually ever agree to that. But I'm sure we would have."

Jensen had to laugh at this. "Good idea, given they're brothers. I mean, yuck, right?" Jared got quiet. Jensen turned to look at him. "What?"

"How much do you remember from right after the accident?"

The question surprised him. "Fair amount, I guess. I have fleeting memories of the hospital. Feeling lost. Confused. Dean was all I knew. Seemed like I was angry all the time." Jared remained still, seemed to be waiting for something. Jensen wasn't sure what he wanted. "I remember you."

Jared stirred at this. "Maybe I shouldn't have brought this up. Don't want to bring up bad memories."

Although it had gotten quite fuzzy, Jensen remembered the sickening confusion of not being able to distinguish Jared from Sam. He realized, too late, that he shouldn't have said what he did about them being brothers. Only … there was so much more to that time than just that. He didn't know what he would have done if Jared hadn't been there.

"It's not all bad. Because you were always there." He ducked his head a little, unconsciously pulling inward. "When I was scared I'd … I woke up, and everything was wrong, but then I saw you. Just there. Made it-made it better."

Jared stared at him, face slightly flushed, eyes going liquid. Voice rough. "Thank you for telling me that."

Jensen nodded.

"We should get some sleep." Jared flicked the light off.

The room was quiet and dark.

Jensen snuggled against Jared. Got a warm, strong hug in return. He hadn't known it was possible to feel this way, this much, about anyone.

The miserable day receded and he let his mind wander on its own.

Jay's body was warm and firm behind him, a faint pressure pressed against his ass. He returned to last night, thrusting into Jared, eyes midnight with pleasure, watching him break beneath him.

He was too tired. But it didn't stop the want.

"Jay?"

"Mmm?"

"Before all of today's craziness, I wanted … I mean, I keep wondering about that weekend."

Jared tensed slightly. Jensen knew he didn't have to explain further as to which weekend he was talking about. Truth was, every time he and Jay had sex, he kept wondering … "How'd it go when we … when you, with me, the other way?" He felt Jared's chuckle vibrate behind him at his fumbling. Told himself to stop being a girl. "When you fucked me."

Jared's voice was honey rich as he answered near his ear. "You were nervous asking for it then, too. Said it had been a really long time. And I said we didn't have to-that I didn't care. Enjoyed feeling you in me. Was new and … amazing … and I didn't _don_ _'_ _t_ need anything else."

"I said I wanted you to."

"You-you remember-?"

"No. I'm sorry, I don't." Jensen turned and touched Jared's cheek, hating the disappointment he sensed. "It's just that I want you to now." He chortled softly. "Well, not _now_ now … but when I'm not such a headcase." He looked deep into his lover's eyes. "I don't want there to be a before and after any more. Just this really hot now."

Jared kissed him slow and deep. "Soon," he promised into his mouth.

Smiling, Jensen turned again, pulling Jared's long arm around himself from behind.

He felt another more noticeable nudge against his ass. He turned with eyebrows raised to see Jared waggle his own. How could you not laugh?

They settled down again. The pillow felt soft under his cheek. He was so tired.

" 'Night, Jen. Love you." Jared nuzzled into the back of his neck, holding on like he was never going to let go. It was the most loving thing Jensen had ever felt.

"I love you, too." Jensen held tight to the arm surrounding him knowing Jared was smiling even though he couldn't see him.

– – –

Filming continued.

Jensen's confidence steadily improved since what had come to be referred to as the 'voice mail scene.' He was grateful that Eric had taken his share of the responsibility. Privately he knew that wasn't totally fair, Jensen'd been the one that had screwed it up. He'd walked off the set.

Jared understood. He knew how Jensen prided his professionalism. There might be some things he'd never get back from his pre-accident life. But he'd be damned if that was one of them.

Eric must have avoided caffeine and sugar because he was calmer and more laid back than Jensen had ever seen him. They spent days in the angel Green Room and no matter how many times Jensen stopped mid-stream and slammed his hand against his thigh, Eric just calmly said, "Let's go again." And when Eric said they were done, Jensen accepted it.

In the end, as long as he kept his eyes locked on his fellow actors, the words came to him. Mostly.

Today, Jensen was shooting one of his longest scenes and he was nervous. He'd read the words until his eyes hurt. They imbedded in Dean's brain. He'd even discussed some changes to the dialogue with Eric and was surprised by the writer's quick acquiescence.

"You don't have to—"

"Jensen. It's better. Consider it done."

And Jensen had smiled.

Jared wasn't shooting and could have taken a much deserved half-day break. But he insisted on watching Jensen film. Usually Jensen would have objected to the special treatment, but today … he just told him a quiet thanks.

In this scene it was just Jensen and Misha.

Dean confronted Cas – insisted he take him to Sam. Called the angel on his cowardice. It was pure Dean. The essence of all he valued laid bare. When they'd covered Misha, Jensen stayed in character and stared at Jared. Locked eyes as Jared morphed into Sam. Who'd hurt him terribly the last time they saw each other. Who was his brother. All he had.

Castiel pleaded with Dean. "Try to understand - this is long foretold. This is your... "

"Destiny? Don't give me that 'holy' crap. Destiny, God's plan ... It's all a bunch of lies, you poor, stupid son of a bitch! It's just a way for your bosses to keep me and you in line! You know what's real? People, _families_ – that's real. And you're gonna watch them all burn?"

Cas pushed back one more time. "What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion. In paradise, all is forgiven. You'll be at peace. Even with Sam."

"You can take your peace ... and shove it up your lily-white ass. 'Cause I'll take the pain and the guilt. I'll even take Sam as is. At least it's _real_. It's a lot better than being some Stepford bitch in paradise. This is simple, Cas! There is a right and a wrong here, and you know it."

Cas turned away at this.

Dean let didn't him hide. "Look at me! You know it! You were gonna help me once, weren't you? You were gonna warn me about all this, before they dragged you back to bible camp. Help me - now. Please."

Eric called cut. The smile he gave Jensen didn't need words. Misha patted his back. Seemed like everyone lacked words.

They called a break as they adjusted the cameras.

He spotted Jared in a darkened corner, smile white and eyes dark. Jensen walked over.

More silence.

Finally, Jared said, " _You_ _'_ _ll_ _take_ _the_ _pain?_ I don't remember that from the original script."

Jensen looked sheepish. "Eric accepted my rewrite."

Jared held his gaze, voice amazed. "Tell me you have a clue how fantastic you were."

Jensen blushed. Looked down. Answered simply, "Felt like Dean."

"Who'd do anything for his brother."

He looked back up, forced the words past the tightness in his throat. "Yeah."

– – –

Atypically, the last scene they shot was also the last scene of the episode.

Lucifer was rising.

Dean finally reached his brother, albeit too late.

The huge door of the convent set burst open and Sam met Dean's eyes.

Ruby growled at Dean that he's too late and Sam gripped her from behind and held her still while Dean got his revenge on the demon that stole his brother from him.

It went quick after this. There wasn't much dialogue.

Sam apologized, still stunned at the enormity of what he'd done. What he'd set free.

Dean didn't respond in words. They clutched each other's jackets, gaping at the spot where Lucifer's rising light would be added in post.

"Sammy, let's go."

Jared clutched Dean's jacket tighter at this. Jensen accidently added the 'Sammy'. The script just said 'Let's go'. Jared stayed in character but waited to see if Eric would stop them.

The cameras kept rolling.

A beat later, Sam sputtered, "Dean … he's coming."

They raced toward the door just as it slammed shut against them. Both turned back a final time in terrified anticipation of what was coming.

And just like that, the first episode of season five wrapped.

Eric thanked them both. Told them to have a good weekend. And be back Monday morning to start prep for _Sympathy_ _for_ _the_ _Devil_.

Jared smiled. Beside him, his partner exhaled.

He and Jensen walked slowly to wardrobe.

Clif was chatty on the ride home. Asking questions about the episode's final shoot.

"Went well," Jared answered.

"Only had three lines," Jensen added.

"You stabbed Ruby?" Clif asked.

"Yep."

Jared noted Jen's happy little sneer but chose to say nothing.

Later they sat on the sofa, beers in hand. Jared flicked stations on the TV but kept the volume muted. This silent viewing was one of their things. Had been for years.

"One down," Jensen said taking a swig.

Jared turned to him. "Shaky start. But how'd it feel, working again?"

Jensen fingered the condensation on the beer bottle. Examined the shape he'd drawn. Smiled inexplicably. "Good. I … I felt like I was back."

Jared's gut twisted. He'd prayed for that so hard, for so long.

Suddenly, Jensen held his bottle up to Jared, showing him what he'd drawn on the glass. It looked like a little sideways heart. He faced Jen's shy grin. Took the bottle from his hand and drew one back.

"Jen?"

"Mmm?"

"You never left."

Jensen smiled.

And Jared's world was complete.

**Epilogue**

"Oh, what a beautiful mornin' … Oh, what a beautiful day …"

"Dude. Show tunes?"

 _Damn_. How did Jensen always catch him?

"Want something more appropriate?" he called out.

"Shower appropriate? Tell me you're not gonna burst into Singing in the Rain?"

Jared laughed. "No. Scrooge." He burst into Jingle Bells, instead.

"That's worse. Go back to Rodgers and Hammerstein."

Jared yelled out, "Grinch" and sang louder.

He couldn't help feeling amazing. Today was the first day of the final work week before their Christmas break.

First Christmas he'd be sharing with Jensen.

Didn't get better than this.

Jensen handed him coffee as he entered the kitchen. "Are you sure?"

Jared took a sip, petted the top of Harley's head and looked at Jensen. He sat at the counter, newspaper open, cereal bowl on top of it, mug in his grip.

Ooh. A sweater. He walked over to pet his arm. Soft. Jensen looked up. "Jay?"

"What? I'm going to need more information before I can answer."

Jensen rolled his eyes. "Christmas?"

"Um, yeah, December twenty-fifth this year, same as ever." He ran his fingers against the soft fabric. Cashmere. "Did I buy you this?"

Jensen looked down puzzled. Jared studied the sweater further. It was a deep red. Not anything Jensen'd ever get for himself. The more Jared looked at it the more he was certain he'd bought it.

"Your eyes are so green wearing that. Like nuclear green."

"Jay. C'mon. Are you sure about Christmas?"

Oh for goodness sake, was _that_ what this was about? "Yes. We'll see my folks Christmas Eve, then drive to Dallas. Win-win. What's the problem?"

"That you won't be with _your_ family on Christmas Day."

"Sure I will."

"But-"

"I'll be with you."

Jensen's eyes let out a radioactive glow. He didn't say anything.

Jared asked, "So we're good?"

"Yeah. We're good."

"One more week and then three weeks off."

Jensen picked his mug back up. "Man, can't come quick enough. Don't want to memorize one more word."

Jared laughed. "Did you read the next episode script yet? I get to time travel into the future!"

"Yeah. Real cool."

"I know. No flying cars … but, I get to meet future badass you."

"And you also get to play Lucifer. Know you've been chomping at the bits for that."

Jared thought Edlund's script was wickedly clever. Nothing would make Sam more motivated to get Dean to agree to hunt with him again than the knowledge that if Dean didn't, Sam would say yes to Lucifer. And ultimately … "I kill you."

Jensen looked back up from his paper. "Future me."

Jared stared into his coffee cup. Sometimes he wondered who was having an easier time getting past the accident. He or Jensen.

His chin hit cashmere. "C'mere." Jensen stood and wrapped his arms around him. "I didn't die."

Jared thought his immediate _thank_ _god_ , but didn't say anything.

After nine months the pre- and post-accident line was like a faint indentation in the sand. Jared could go days forgetting about it. Then Jensen would get frustrated, almost always related to a memory issue and his temper would blow. Jared was in the way more often than not.

But these were rarer. And no matter how far inside himself Jensen disappeared, he always came back to him. Jen still asked him, occasionally, why Jared bothered with him. He'd taken to giving the same answer. _Look_ _sideways,_ _dumbass_. And Jensen would smile. And it would be over.

Jensen kissed his jaw. "Okay?"

Jared tilted his head symbolically giving himself his own advice. Jensen followed suit quizzically.

Jared burst into laughter.

"You laughing at me, Padalecki?"

Jared didn't answer and went in search of breakfast.

"Dammit, we have no cereal again."

Jen stared at him. They were supposed to go grocery shopping this weekend.

They hadn't quite made it out of the bedroom. Again.

Jensen pushed his half-finished bowl over to him. "Here, I saved you some."

Jared inhaled the soggy flakes. He'd eat again at the studio.

"You know, we can't fuck at my parent's house."

Jared put the spoon down. "What?"

"Seriously, Jay. I've never … not when they were around. Too weird."

Jared thought to argue, debate. Point out that Jensen's parents probably did it when he was home. How exactly did he think Mackenzie came to be? But what was the point?

He added it to the list.

"Your parent's house, either."

Jared laughed.

There was a knock and Jensen let Clif in. "What's so funny, Jay?"

He looked at the absobloodylutely gorgeous man he planned to fuck from Christmas eve through Christmas night. Well, they'd break for meals. And presents.

Jensen pondered him oddly, but his eyes twinkled like holiday lights.

He copped a last feel of the feather soft sweater before it disappeared into Jensen's jacket.

And burst into Jingle Bells on the way out.

__  
**fin**  


**Author's Note:**

> Beta: borgmama1of5


End file.
